Naughty and Nice

I don't know if Santa would know what to leave for me if he knew what was going on in my head most of the time.  

Sir and I have spent the last few days surrounded by my family and Christmas festivities.  I love Christmas and I love my family and Sir, so for me this has been the best combination of all things.  And yet, that extra naughty little part of me keeps seeping into things, tainting the wholesome holiday fun (and by tainting I mean making it extra awesome).  

Christmas Eve morning we were visiting family and opening gifts and I was told how much they all approved of Sir (this being the first time he's met most of my family).  All I could think of was how the night before this 'nice guy' had handcuffed me, fucked me in the ass and choked me while I sobbed and begged him not to.  It kept slipping into my mind and I spent a lot of time daydreaming about our sex life.

 Christmas Eve night I was with my immediate and extended family playing games and being festive and I kept finding excuses to sit on the floor next to Sir's chair.  It was a reasonably easy task, I usually like sitting on the floor anyway and I used the fire as a reason.  And partly, it was true.  Mostly however I wanted to be sitting at his feet.   I wanted to experience that submissive feeling that I've been craving more and more, and this was the most subtle way of achieving it.  Granted Sir probably couldn't have stroked my hair all night or held me by the back of the neck the way I love without it looking odd, but the occasional hand on my shoulder was enough to make me feel like his little sub.  

Christmas Day he teased me a bit in the kitchen when my mum was out of the room, and allowed me to cum later in the shower.  I spent most of the rest of the day craving physical attention from him but had to keep the PDA down to a level suitable to the occasion and company.

Tangent: I'm increasingly craving physical contact with Sir.  And not even sexual contact, just some form of physical connection.  If I'm near him I want to be touching him, or more importantly, I want him to be touching me.  I'm finding that even a hand on my leg can give me that feeling of ownership or belonging that I seem to want.  Someone once told me that true subs and true slaves become desperate for the attention of their Masters, that they become almost pathetic in their desire for more.  He didn't mean this in a negative way, but I remember thinking to myself that I would never allow myself to get there.  That I would never allow myself to be in the vulnerable situation of constantly wanting attention and connection and being a 'desperate' slave.  And yet, now I'm beginning to understand what he meant and I find myself in a position I hadn't expected.  And I'm fighting it, as always, despite being so content when my cravings are met.  

Tangent over.

My holidays were both extra wonderful this year because I was able to share them with Sir, and extra surreal.  I was the doting daughter, the accommodating niece and cousin, and the entire time I was thinking about being pushed into the floor and having Sirs cock in me.   I've been able to keep my social and sexual lives pretty separate up to this point, but I have a feeling things are going to get weirder and weirder as my dynamic becomes more of my actual life.  Poor Santa's not going to have a clue which list I go on.

Loaned Out

One of ideas that Sir and I have been discussing has been the act of 'loaning me out'.  For him the attraction is in the total display of ownership that this entails.  For me it's the slut factor combined with the idea of pleasing him, and also a little of that confirmation of ownership thing.

I've talked about Giggles before and how we've had a few threesomes but I've never actually done anything with her.  The only way for me to get over my shyness was to be ordered to do things, and so the plan was created.  We decided with Giggles to meet her at a dungeon party that we were attending, after which he would give me to her to do as she wished, and when she was done he would come in to top us both.  

Before the party was an event in which stations were set up with different kinks that people could try and explore.  You had the guy renown for fire, the violet wand guy, the caning guy, ect.  Giggles and her friend went around trying everything but I stayed back, mostly watching the flogging station.  I've been flogged before, a bit, but I wanted to try it again.  The woman running the station had been at a different party and I'd seen her basically destroy her sub (in a good way) and she has a very good reputation.  I was fascinated.  The problem was that this was in public and I don't play in public.  At first I was worried that I'd have to take my shirt off like the other people and I'm not comfortable enough with myself to let other people see me naked.  Then I was worried about other people watching me be submissive in any way, shape or form.  Apparently I'm still not comfortable with that either.  And then I worried about them both together, until the woman noticed me staring and all but dragged me over.  She was really nice and comforting, Sir wanted me to and I was allowed to keep my shirt on, so I agreed.  

It was awesome :)  It only lasted about 15 minutes, and at first she was going really easy on me.  I stood at the cross, staring at nothing and just taking in the sensation and the rest of the room just fell away.  She checked in with me a couple of times to see what I wanted to try and then picked things up until they were just starting to hurt.  It was great.  I was so proud of myself for "playing" in public for the first time, and so pleased that I had made Sir proud.  The demonstrators slave kept commenting about how hot my reactions to the pain were and Sir said that a crowd had formed and watched my little demo.  I had actually been the center of attention as a sub and I hadn't minded!  I was a bit embarrassed afterwards, but mostly I couldn't stop smiling.  Yay babysteps!!!

We hung around for most of the party and then hurried home where I was given over to Giggles.  She likes to use implements, and so most of this time was spent with me laying down being flogged, paddled and caned.  I had welts on my thighs for days and I know for a fact that she wasn't hitting anywhere close to what she was capable of.  It was both brilliant and painful.  Sir had decided to remain in the room and at times either held my hand or kept me still.  The comfort of his presence at moments when the pain got intense was all I needed to keep going.  Afterwards we all played together and I had my first experience of sex with a girl.  It was a lot less messy than I'd expected.  

The hardest part for me in all of this was using the title 'Sir' in front of her.  She knows what our relationship is and she's been on the scene for a fairly long time.  She's even in a triad with a master and his slave and so there was no danger of judgement, and yet I kept trying to get around it.  This prompted a bit of a public reminder from Sir which was also pretty embarrassing, but I understand why it was necessary.  As always this is a game of trust, and I have to trust that he'd never put me in a situation where I'll be judged or made to feel badly about what I enjoy.  I have to trust that it's ok for me to act in this way and that others understand and accept it.  So far everything that I was afraid to try ended up being worth it and I have to trust that those are the places he's taking me.  And I do, or I wouldn't have ended up on that cross or in that room eating someone out.  

What's next?  Who knows.  D/s elements are starting to creep into our normal lives very slowly and it's an exciting and interesting process.  Those are thoughts for another day though.  For now, goodnight and may you all have sexy dreams.

Acceptance

From day one of truly discovering kink I have sworn that I would never go 24/7.  I would not become a slave, I would not have an owner.  I would not have to ask permission to do perfectly normal things and I would not have to do things I don't want to just because someone else tells me to.

Oh how naive I was.

Sir has been saying since we met that I'm much more submissive than I think I am.  I always balked at this, both because I didn't want to admit it and because I didn't see how you can be more submissive or less?  You just... are.  I can see how people have varying degrees of bottoming, allowing someone to top you while never truly giving yourself up to them.  Submission though, no matter what shape it takes in your relationship I figure you're either in or you're out.  

So now, these many months later, I'm trolling the internet for articles on slave/master dynamics (though those titles really grate on me for some reason).  I'm admitting that I would find it both degrading and hot to be put on a leash and kept by his side in the house.  To have to ask permission to be allowed in bed.  To be made to sit in the corner if I've done something wrong.  This is ridiculous!  The old me would be smacking this version of me upside the head and sitting me down for a talk about self control.  So why the change?  Why am I contemplating this new way of living that, lets face it, would lead to a 24/7ish dynamic?

The first thing, I think, is that I'm becoming more confident in myself and more trusting of Sir.  I'm believing that it's ok to want to be treated in a certain way if Sir and I enjoy it.  I'm believing that wanting to be treated this way doesn't mean Sir actually looks at me as nothing but a pathetic slut.  Another reason is that having exposed myself to many different people in the community and all of their experiences, I'm realizing that 24/7 or 'master/slave' doesn't have to be done just one way.  I think I always had an image in my head of a woman who does all the chores, brings her Sir blankets and drinks, and is expected to just go along with whatever her Dom says.  And that is very much not me.  If Sir is cold, he knows where the blankets are.  And if I'm doing the dishes I don't want to also have to do the sweeping, cleaning, laundry, dinner, ect ect.  He has legs and arms and is a fully functioning human being capable of all of those things.  What I'm accepting now is that if we do go down this road, we can shape it to fit our personalities and life style.  I can be his sub and still tell him the cats need to be fed and the garbage put out.  

This was also just natural progression.  When we first met, all of our sexual encounters were very physically aggressive, almost violent.  For the first few months this worked for us since we only saw each other a couple of times a week and limits were being sought out.  Now we live together and we can't live up to the physical and emotional toll that beating the crap out of me every night would require.  So to keep the dynamic in a softer but just as meaningful way, these other elements come in.  Any of the things I mentioned a couple of paragraphs ago require just as much submission from me as the physical stuff, if not more in that I'm willingly allowing him to dictate, as opposed to him having to force me.  And lets face it, the derogatory nature of most of this really does something for me.  It always has.  To be reduced in such a way now and then is enough to fuel the spank bank for weeks.

And finally, on a very basic level I just want to be his little sub who he takes care of and who pleases him.  I can't tell you how much I've come to love being told that I'm a good girl, or receiving his praise or approval.  Normally I get off thinking about something degrading happening to me, the last time I was with him I got off while thinking of the fact that I was being good.  The warm fuzzies that I get when he calls me 'pet' or even 'my little slut' are addictive.  It's an incredible state of mind to be in, and I wouldn't mind being there more often.  I've actually asked him for a collar, which is something I never imagined myself doing.  One for home for those fun bits of degradation and play, and something that I can wear all the time.  I'm his, I really am, and I want a reminder of that throughout my day.  I want him to know that I know it.  

I'm scared, a bit, but we're starting slow.  At the moment he's told me that I have to start addressing him as Sir at certain times when before it was only ever in regards to sex.  We'll build from there and I'm sure that as with everything else, I won't realize how far we've come until I'm on the other side.  Who knows, maybe we'll get to the point where he can lend me to his friends who will beat me until the welts last for days.  Oh wait... 

The Other Boy and the Bad, Bad Timing

Ok so I suck at this blogging thing recently.  What can I say but I'm sorry.  Once again, life has just taken over.  Plus I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks and it's effecting my desire and ability to do anything when I get home from work.  Also, the xbox is up and running...

Enough excuses however.  As promised, there are several things I want to talk about.  I did my first taste of public playing the other day, followed by an evening of being topped first by Giggles, and then both Giggles and Sir.  I can now officially say I've had sex with a girl :)

Before that though, there's the matter of humiliation play that I've been discovering and really want to discuss.  Before that though, (or maybe as a part of that) there's the deeper dynamic that Sir and I are realizing we're going to reach and all of the things that come along with it (possible 24/7ish.  Emphasis on the 'ish') .  Before that though, is the big change we've been dealing with lately, which is the addition of sexual and dating partners to my life.  This is where we must start, and I promise promise promise that those other topics will be discussed shortly.

So just over a month ago, I went out on a date with OB (the Other Boy).  Now I haven't done a lot of dating in my lifetime, but even I'm aware that it was a pretty awesome date.  I thought he was cute right off the bat, the conversation went really well over dinner, the drinks afterwards were fun and there was a great chemistry.  We had a lot in common on a platonic level and now that I'm a much braver person I was able to find out that we have a lot in common on a sexual/kink level.  I even managed to tell him about the dynamic that Sir and I have and he was interested and understanding.

So of course, I wanted to go out with him again and I did.  And we went out again.  And again.  And what can I say except that the universe can sometimes have really crappy timing.  Just over a month ago, Sir was seriously contemplating his relationship with his wife and decided to end things.  He moved in with me and what ensued were some of the more stressful weeks of my life.  Over those few weeks I continued to date OB and Sir tried to wade through the horribleness that is a breakup.  Two, actually, as his other partner decided that this was too much drama for her and broke up with him.  I find that ironic, but I have to be good and not speak my mind on that one.

This is the first time I feel like I've truly embraced poly and explored it the way it should be explored.  One partner who I love and with whom I feel safe and secure, and another person to go out with and have fun without it being just about the sex.  It's just unfortunate that this happened as Sir was feeling especially alone and vulnerable.  As you can imagine, seeing me go off and enjoy the company of another man while he's dealing with the loss of two partners was not pleasant for him.  It caused a lot of problems.  On the one hand, I understood what he was feeling and how frustrating it must have been for him.  On the other, I was already turning my world upside down to try and support him through this and I refused to go down the road of making my life events conditional on how his other relationships were going.  Does that sound horrible?  Sometimes I second guessed myself.  Sometimes I wanted to just stop seeing OB and be there for my Sir and not be a bad girlfriend.  In the end though, I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't go to the place where I was allowing my happiness to be dependent on his.  What if it took him months to get over them?  What if in three months we're both seeing people and his life gets thrown about some more?  Am I expected to drop everything to be there if he needs me?

And again, don't get me wrong, I was there for him.  Lets face it though, people going through divorces are not the most pleasant of company.  And I was stressed about the fact that there was suddenly another person and two more animals in my space and in my life.  I was dealing with the change in environment, behaviour, and expectations.  To be able to get out of the house and spend time with someone who was focused purely on me and on making me happy was comforting and necessary.  Without the break from the doom and gloom, I wouldn't have been able to keep myself afloat.  I had to be there for him, but there wasn't anyone there for me and so I had to take care of myself.  For me, part of that was being reminded of all of the good things about myself and what it can be like with someone when everything is hunky dorey.

So there we are, me wanting to feel attention and care free and Sir feeling depressed, insecure and angry.  And if this wasn't enough (because things just aren't ever simple anymore) we were being forced to examine our dynamic and what it really meant.  He is, after all, my Sir and he has complete control over my body and what I do with it.  This had never been a problem, until I wanted to start doing things with it that he wasn't happy with.  Lets face it, you meet a cute guy, there's chemistry and attraction and after a couple of dates you want to have sex.  It's biological and it's me and I really wanted to fuck.  Sir said no.  He didn't know this guy that I was seeing, and he didn't know what OB's expectations were.  I'm his property and his sub, and he doesn't want to see me misused or hurt by anyone and he wasn't about to let someone else have access to me until he knew where things were going.  I didn't take that very well.  

We had made an agreement on the day that I agreed to allow him this control over me, that once I formed a relationship with someone his rights of ownership would no longer apply to that situation.  How can you date someone if every time you start to get handsy, you have to stop and call your dom to check that it's ok?  It doesn't work.  And so here we were trying to figure out the balance of my rights vs his, all on top of the emotional whirlwind we were enduring that made everything fuzzy.  

So, there were fights.  Eventually we managed to come to some idea of what my submission and his dominance actually meant, and he allowed me to have sex with this fun new partner.

The irony is, I think I'm losing interest in OB now.  I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't have the same buzz about him that I used to.  Maybe it was just the novelty of fun dating that I liked.  Maybe it was just that this person was offering me compliments and attention when I really really needed them.  Maybe he's just turned out to be a bit too much of a nice guy.  And maybe (and I have a sneaking suspicion this one is a bit closer to the truth) maybe I insisted on dating him as often as I did on principle, because I wanted to prove to both Sir and myself that I was not going to end up the type of girl that just gave in whenever her boyfriend wanted something.  I can't stress enough to you how important to me that is, especially now that I see how much of my control I may be giving up in the future.  I have to prove to myself that when I know I'm right and when I'm looking out for my own best interests, I'll stay strong.  I won't just cave because the sub in me wants to.  When it comes to doing whats best for me, I need to know that I won't just curl up and roll over.

But who knows.  At the moment, I'm on the fence.  There is definite sexual chemistry and he genuinely is a really nice guy who really likes me, so I'm going to give it a couple of more dates to see how I feel.  Either way, Sir and I have come to an agreement that for the next month neither of us will date anyone in a serious manner.  Our relationship is evolving, and after so many weeks of negativity we need to spend some time working on just us and figuring out who we are together and where we want to go.  

So there you have it, the tale of the OB.  Or, 'why you shouldn't have everything new in your relationship happen at once'.  The only good that I can say about it all is that getting through it only make Sir and I more solid.  I have to say (I'm really sorry for the cheese that's about to follow) that I love him in a way I didn't think I was capable of.  I love him more now than I did when I first said that I loved him, and I love him more now than I did when he moved in.  So it can't all be that bad, if this is the result.

Tune in next time and you can hear me talk about why I'm contemplating a type of full on d/s dynamic that I swore I'd never do.  Also I'll try to explain why I like it when I'm put on a leash and called a filthy whore.  

My mother would be so proud.  

Discoveries

I'm finding that I can't sleep.  I have slept, I've slept for about four hours but I'm now wide awake with another five hours to go before my alarm.  I haven't gotten used to sharing a bed yet, every toss and turn, every movement wakes me up and this is becoming the result.  It doesn't help that I went to bed so early, I know, but I was tired and quite honestly didn't know what else to do.

Last night Sir and I were supposed to have a scene.  We'd discussed it a few days ago, it's been awhile since we've gone to the kink side of things and I think we both needed it.  His head isn't in the best of places right now though, so we were both wary of going very hard and looked for an alternative option.  (Funnily enough, we touched on a bit of our old roughness monday night and I had a meltdown, so apparently my mental state is a bit sensitive as well).  We'd talked briefly in the past about trying a more slave/master approach, just a day here or there when our dynamic would take on a more service role and get more into the degredation/humiliation that I'm curious about.  I suggested that maybe we have a few hours of something along this vein and he reacted very positively, so it was set.  

We've texted a little bit about it over the last couple of days, him telling me a few ideas that he has (ie: dog collar and leash, crawling instead of walking, ect) and I was getting pretty excited.  Ashamed of that excitement to be treated in such a way, but excited none the less.  Buildup people.

Yesterday came and he picked me up from work.  We had to run a couple of errands during which I was informed of the rule that at home I'd have to refer to him as Sir for everything, and that was it.  By the time we got back I was nervous and spent the first few minutes trying to be totally normal and waiting for it to start.  It never really did.  

This is something new for both of us, and something outside of his realm of experience.  He says he's very interested in it and wants to try it as much for his own pleasure as mine, but he became overwhelmed.  In his mind, treating me as anything but normal and respectful requires some type of aggression or negative connotation, and as I'm being pretty awesome about things at the moment he finds it too hard to get to that mental place.  This, of course, is the first issue.  Nothing that we do should ever come from anger.  The physical side of our sex life, the rough stuff, of course that has to have some aggressive intent behind it but the mental side should be the opposite.  This is a hurdle that he'll have to overcome.  

And so we sat and talked and neither of us really seemed to know what to do with ourselves.  I was disappointed, and embarrassed at how disappointed I was at not being treated so badly.  I've accepted myself in many ways but I'm still struggling with this aspect.  Somehow hearing that he wasn't ready to go all in on this kind of thing made me feel ashamed that I was.  Eventually I suggested baby steps and for the rest of the night I had to sit on the floor at his feet and call him Sir, get him anything he wanted and ask permission to do things that required me to leave that spot.  At times, it felt nice and comfortable.  Mostly though, I just felt tired, ashamed and unsure of the situation.  I'm a sub and I didn't feel as though my Dom was sure of himself in what he was doing and so I didn't really know what to do with myself.  And that's a horrible burden to place on someone else, that they have to be 100% sure of everything they're doing for the experience to work on me.  

I love that we're exploring things together.  I love that if we continue down this path and we enjoy it, we'll have another side of our dynamic to work with and grow in.  I realize there will be bumps and last night was the first one, which is fine.  We both discovered our own little hangups, his is how he approaches our dynamic and mine is getting over the shame of it.  Again.  

I'm going to try to go back to bed, Sir is awake and hopefully some snuggling will lull me back into a bit of a sleep.  Goodnight y'all.

Transitions

I realize it's been ages since I've updated this post, and though I know that the two of you who read this have probably been close to a nervous breakdown without my weekly ramblings you can rest easy.  I have not abandoned you.

The last few weeks of my life have been ridiculous.  I actually mean ridiculous because this stuff just doesn't happen to normal people.  In the past few weeks I have :

1) Met a guy who I like and have started dating

2) Had Sir decide to divorce his wife and move in with me

3) Added Sirs two cats to my previously one cat apartment

4) Gotten sick

5) Re-organized my flat

6) Argued

Honestly, I don't know where to start.  My mind for the last while has been a huge jumble that I'm barely able to navigate.  There is so much 'new' going on that I can't process or enjoy it all.  I mean, think about moving in with a boyfriend for the first time and how much attention and effort that takes for the first little while.  Or, think about what it's like when one of your really good friends breaks up with a life long partner and the stress and misery that they go through and the energy it takes to support them.  Or you could imagine that new roomie being the person who has just started to go through a divorce.  Does anyone have any guidelines for this particular situation?

Or lets go another route.  Imagine starting to really become and appreciate poly and have the wonderful experience of having a solid partner that you love while dating someone that you see a lot of potential in.  It's great, right?  Except there's that little thing of the d/s dynamic that you and your Sir have and it's the first time you've had to navigate how that is realistically applied in poly.  And throw in the fact that it's the first time that Sir has had a partner that was dating someone beyond strictly casual playdates and has to go through all of the jealousy and uncertainty that comes with poly at the beginning.  And just to make things interesting, have Sir going through an immense lifestyle change in which his main relationship is ending and his other serious relationship is possibly done which makes watching his remaining partner going out and having fun with someone new that much suckier.  

I'm tense.  And stressed.  And Sir is tense and stressed.  

I don't know if there's any way to explain how I feel.  It would almost be pointless to try.  I love Sir and I love having him with me.  I love going to bed at night with him next to me.  I love how I'll wake up in the middle of the night and one of his hands is resting on my skin, and I love waking up in the morning and being wrapped up in his arms.  

We have to be honest though.  It's not all peaches.  Sir is going through a really shitty time and more often than not his mood reflects that.  Instead of walking into the clean, airy, peaceful apartment I'm used to I enter a house full of cats and clutter with a half zoned out boyfriend on the couch who is usually too grumpy or stressed to do more than ask me to cook his meals.  To try and hold onto that old sensation of spaciousness and levity I end up cleaning and tidying, then become frustrated that I'm the only one doing so even if I haven't asked for help.  To try and comfort and support the man I love when he's down I cook for him and give him space only to become angry that I'm doing all of the cooking and cleaning like his little miss, with no  room to spread out for my own thing afterwards.  My car is now shared and with it my independence.    There's a tenseness, an argument always around the corner but I never know what I'll be walking into and it stresses me out.

Rationally, I realize a lot of things.  I realize that Sir doesn't do any of this intentionally and that he doesn't like having these down moments anymore than I do.  I realize that clutter is just clutter and can always be picked up.  I realize that he doesn't expect me to do all of the housework and that it won't be unreasonable for me to ask for help.  I realize that a lot of what I'm feeling is adjustment to moving in together/adjustment to me dating someone new/adjustment to sharing things and that it's all just really bad timing.  I realize that if our relationship can withstand this, it will withstand anything.  And mostly I realize that this is all temporary.  If nothing else, that has become my mantra.  The divorce will end and wounds will heal.  We'll find our rhythm when it comes to the house and how we maneuver within it.  We'll find our poly rhythm.  The stress and tension will fade.  All of this is temporary.

I hope, now, that you can forgive me for not updating sooner.  I've barely been able to distinguish my own thoughts from one day to the next, never mind articulate them to any degree.  As it is, this isn't exactly a well laid out piece of work and is mostly regarding the gloom and ignoring the good.  I mean, the cats are pretty fucking cute, except for when they're scratching doors at 3 am or breaking things.  And I like having access to Sir whenever I want it, and that he has access to me.  And despite the stress and grumpy, he makes a point of telling me how much he loves and appreciates me and how I'm feeling.  Really, how can things be all that bad if someone is constantly making you feel loved?  

I have other things I'm going to want to talk about, so the next post should be following fairly shortly.  I'm dating someone which I want to talk about, both what it's like to date someone properly in poly and because of the kink element that we're fashioning out.  Sir and I are going to have a session tomorrow that will be edging into things as yet unexplored between us and I'm very curious as to where it will lead.  So don't you worry oh perverted reader, there will be much smut and kink to come.

It's nice to be back :)  

Being the Non Pleasant Me

There are a few things in life I'm not good at.  

1) Tying cherry stems with my tongue

2) Directions

3) Hiding anger

4) Uncomfortable social situations (especially when involved with #3)

I have a weird thing about meeting one of Sirs partners.  She's someone he cares about very much but I've always had this odd feeling about spending time with her.  It could be because they had broken up before Sir and I started dating and got back together a few months ago.  I heard a lot about her, good and bad before I'd met her.  It could be because of my feelings regarding my relationship with Sir and some weird connection with that.  It could just be one of those things.  It probably didn't help that when I finally met her for the first time they were drunk and I was tired and unimpressed by the way it came about.

So meeting her again tonight, in her home with her roommate, Sir and Sirs wife was for me an awkward social situation.  I'm still not totally comfortable with it.  Not her necessarily, she's very nice and actually pretty funny.  I like the way her and Sir interact.  Never the less there's something forced, or uncomfortable about these moments for me.  

Add to that the fact that I was angry.  I'm a very relaxed, chill person and I don't tend to anger quickly.  I mean, I swear in the car at stupid drivers and I threaten the computer with a smack now and then, but in general I'm pretty even.  There has been a lot going on in the past few weeks and because of that a lot of my time and needs have been placed on the back burner.  The reasons are legit and I understand that it's both necessary and temporary.  I love Sir and I have total faith that he'll make it up to me.  Tonight however, the lack of respect for my time and needs was shown by someone else and it absolutely tipped me.  

We're not talking anything big.  If I were the Godfather I wouldn't be sticking a horse's head into anyone's bed as a warning.  Tonight we're talking something as simple as a lack of communication that resulted in a waste to almost my entire evening.  Two things about that drove me up the wall.  One was that it wasn't that they were incapable of supplying necessary information, it's that they didn't bother despite my queries and that to me shows a lack of consideration. The other was that all of the re-scheduling and rushing around was fine with me because it was for something that was for Sir, and it was important to me to be there for him if I could.  After everything though, it really didn't seem to matter as there was barely any time spent together.  

When I'm angry I don't tend to scream or shout, I get very quiet and all I want to do is go someplace calm and let my emotions sort themselves out.  Instead, I went to awkward social situation mentioned above.  Normally that alone would be tiring enough for my inner introvert, but to be there while having to act like I'm not mad?  Pretty much impossible, especially since I can't hide crap when it comes to my emotions.

So there I am, not speaking because I'm unsure of what to say and not speaking because I'm angry.  Sitting off to the side because I'm not comfortable enough to relax and sitting to the side because I'm angry.  Not accepting any food or drink because I want to limit possible awkward interaction, and because I'm angry.  Get the picture?  I mean, god knows if I would have acted any differently if I'd been in a super happy mood.  I probably would have been the same quiet, standoffish personality because that's really just who I am.  I'm not super friendly, I'm not outgoing and easy to talk to.  If I don't hit it off with you right away, it's going to take me awhile to decide how I feel about you.  I like to watch and listen because normally I don't feel comfortable joining in.  (Obviously none of this applies with my good friends).  

On top of all this, I knew that I was being inhospitable at something that should have been fun and relaxed for Sir.  This of course makes me think I should be trying harder which makes me feel more pressure which makes me clam up even tighter.  From what he said afterwards I assume my behaviour was mentioned when I left and part of me doesn't care.  They can think what they want of me, Sir knows me and can form his own opinion and our relationship is the only one I care about.  On the other hand, Sir cares what we think about each other and I think he was disappointed in me.  Which again, makes me feel both guilty and sad because I want him to be happy with me, and angry because I feel justified in my anger and needed to have that acknowledged.  Not just 'don't be angry next time'.  And yet this day wasn't supposed to be about me at all.

Maybe the stresses of the last few weeks are getting to me more than I thought.  Maybe I need to be more careful about when I meet certain people and in what environments.  Maybe it was just a weird day for everyone.  I can't apologize for the way I react and the way I behave, when I'm angry I'm angry and when I'm awkward I'm awkward.  It's who I am.  I don't have the finesse of people who can fake it, I feel like that's not genuine.  I may be pissed at you, but at least you know it.  

It's time for bed.  To anyone going to bed in any mood other than happy, I wish you all the cure of a good nights sleep.  As always, things will be better in the morning.

When I don't like poly

On the whole, I enjoy poly a whole bunch.  There are a lot of qualities about it that appeal to me and overall I've had an enjoyable and fulfilling experience with the people I've met.  That said, sometimes it sucks.  

I love Sir.  He is a very important part of my life and I like the person I have become since I met him.  When we're together, it's wonderful.  Most of the time when we're not together, it's pretty good too.  Every now and then though I want time from him that he can't give me.  In these moments, it becomes less fun.  

Tuesday was a very difficult day for me, both physically and emotionally.  I was in pain, extremely stressed and having a bit of an emotional breakdown.  I wanted to be comforted by the man who protects and guides me, but it wasn't a possibility and I realized that and accepted it.  We texted a bit and I vented, and got over it with the help of a friend.  The next day I was in an extremely submissive mood, probably contributed to from my emotional experience the night before.  All I wanted in the world was to be around my Sir, to feel safe and comforted, to feel our dynamic.  Again, it wasn't possible.  I worked late and he was with one of his other partners.  It was an option for me to be able to get out of work early, it wasn't an option for him to leave the person he was with.  Again, I accepted that and distracted myself, and the feeling eventually passed.

Today was worse than either.  There were no emotional breakdowns, no pain, no extreme submissive cravings.  I just missed him.  Sometimes, you just miss the person you love.  And I know that no matter how much I miss him, how much I want to have a day with him, I have to wait for our scheduled time.  And that, my friends, sucks.  

Don't get me wrong, most of the time this is fine.  Sometimes I don't see him as much as I would like to, but that's the nature of this type of relationship.  I get it and I work very hard to not be needy, demanding or unreasonable.  Every now and then though, I want him and when I can't have him it hurts.  By the end of today, I was angry at the entire situation.  I wanted attention that it wasn't fair of me to ask for and I became frustrated and sullen.  I ate chocolate and treats that I wasn't allowed, I was grumpy with some of my friends.  I took a bad situation and made it worse, because now not only do I have to wait until Sunday to see him (and the missing him won't go away) but I'll have to deal with the consequences of my stupidity instead of us spending quality time together. 

All in all, not my best day.

What do you do when you need someone who can't be there for you?  How do poly people allow themselves to become so emotionally involved and then harden up in the moments that they have to?  Is it just because of the relationship that I feel this way or is part of it a subs emotions for her Sir?  Is it normal?  Is it reasonable?

Sometimes I feel like I've finally gotten the hang of things, that when it comes to poly and kink and relationships I'm in control.  Then something will happen to make me realize how much of a newbie I am and how much I have to learn.  I suppose this is how it happens though, negative feelings arise and you work on dealing with them in the hope that the next time it's a little bit better.  In the long run, I know all will be well.

For the moment though, learning curves suck.

Paddles and Floggers and Canes, Oh My!

Oh how I love trying new things, especially when they're done to me by fun, sexy people.

On Tuesday we met up with Giggles (Sir's FWB).  I had told Sir the last time that in these situations I was going to need direction.  I may want to do naughty things with another woman, but if they leave it to me to take the initiative or ask for something, it'll never happen.  If I'm told to do something or to let someone do something to me, it's a different story entirely.  He mentioned it to Giggles that he wanted her to top me as well, and it ended up with me on all fours on the bed while she used me to show him how to use different implements.  Well, it was for me too.  :) 

There were two canes, a rubber flogger, a plastic paddle, a wooden paddle like thing and a heavy bar wrapped in something soft.  (I have no idea what the proper names are).  She started out slowly and got progressively harder, as you do.  It was awesome.  At first I was just giggling at the situation, and then I was laughing in response to hard hits.  Eventually I was kind of off in my own little world, just taking it all in.  

I liked the difference in sensations.  The rebar was thuddy and I felt it in the muscle as opposed to the skin, I kept likening it to a meat tenderizer.  Deep pain, especially when she hit on the bone.  The canes were sharp and I only felt it on the tips.  It was sharp and stingy, it felt like I was being shocked.  The paddle (at least I think it was the paddle... I couldn't exactly see) was really interesting.  The pain came from the edges of the paddle, but it was a different kind of stingy and the thud from the bulk of it kind of evened everything out.  Of course this was when she was hitting a bit harder, at the beginning it all just felt like a really unique massage.

It was so great.  Sir was right there and I had the comfort of his hand on mine the whole time to grip when I needed to.  There was something very arousing about him watching me experience pain from someone else.  I know he likes to see me writhing and squirming when I'm hit hard and I had the bizarre experience of wanting to take a lot and make him proud of me, and wanting to give the sadist in him the satisfaction of being hurt at his order.  We didn't get too intense, she just gave me a taste of all of them and then we moved on to the sex part so that Sir could be included.  I want more.  Just that taste had me feeling relaxed and a little floaty, and I know I could have taken more.  Maybe one of these days I'll be brave enough to ask her if she would play with me, but we'll see.  Most likely I'll stay slightly chicken.

And really, at this point I don't know if I'll ever really play with her the way I'm curious about.  I can't bring myself to even touch her unless I'm pushed up against her by Sir, and it's not from a lack of desire or curiosity.  I've become a much more confident and openly sexual person in the last while, but initiation is still not one of my strong points.  

Still though, the whole night was brilliant.  The hottest point hands down, was when Sir was fucking me from behind.  She asked him if she could play with my nipples and he gave her permission.  Did you read that properly?  She asked him for permission about my body and he granted it.  No one asked me, it didn't matter what I wanted because it's Sir's body and he can allow people to do what they wish with it.  To hear and feel it verbalized in that way was an indescribable turn on and it's still one of the main things running through my head during the day.  

Maybe it's because of that or maybe it's just the mood I'm in, but today I'm feeling extremely submissive.  I want nothing more than to have Sir here and to obey him.  He could tell me to kneel in the corner while he watches tv and I would do it happily.  He could have me make him food or get him drinks and I would, I would be content just to sit at his feet.  

These aren't normal feelings for me.  I'm submissive of course, but the idea of cooking for him or curling up at his feet aren't things that normally do it for me.  Usually I would be inclined to point him to the fridge or demand space on the couch.  Today though, I don't know.  I had an extremely emotional day yesterday so maybe I just miss him and want to be close to him.  Or maybe I'm craving that feeling of complete surrender that I had the other day.  I don't know why, but today I don't want my boyfriend as much as I want my Sir.  

God I love my kinky life.

Being Brave

Have you ever had that bizarre feeling of being around your friends only minutes after being shoved into a floor, hit until you cried, fucked in the ass and had cum all over your face, and knowing that they don't have the slightest clue?

Kinky people : we walk among you.

My sexual preferences have always been a secret from my friends and family.  When I was young I used to have Ken strip the Barbies and tie them to chairs.  I had no idea why such a thing even occurred to me to do, never mind why I liked it.  At that age there was no sexuality connected to it, it was just something that I wanted to look at.  And even though I didn't know what it was I was doing, I knew it was wrong.  I only ever did it in secret, but obviously not secretly enough.  One day I overheard my younger sister telling my older cousins about it, and their responses of 'that's weird' and 'she shouldn't do that' confirmed in me what I had already kind of known.  That strange feeling that I got, either from the dolls or from kidnapping scenes on tv, it was wrong and abnormal and something that I had to hide.

Fast forward to now, and I'm still hiding.  Have you ever had anyone who knows you inside and out, who knows everything about you?  I almost have those people.  My friends know everything about me, except this one little detail.  A few years ago, this wasn't such a big deal since it was all in my head and never acted upon.  Now though, kink is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life.  I'm going to events, I'm meeting similar people, and it's a huge component in my relationship.  I have to lie about bruises, where I'm going, and who I'm sleeping with.  They can't fully understand my relationship with Sir because they have no concept of the dynamic.  

I realize this is self imposed, but the way I tried to explain it the other day is that they know me as a certain person.  They've grown up knowing me as this one personality and if I were to tell them about this other aspect of my life, it would always be in the back of their minds.  I wouldn't be 'the friend' I would be 'the friend who likes kink'.  I'm already 'the friend who dates married dudes', I don't think I could handle another on my list.  And try explaining to someone that you really like it when your boyfriend hits you until you cry.  They love me and will always accept me but they wouldn't quite get it.  And not only would they look at me differently, but they would look at Sir as the man who hurts me, and I don't want that either.  

On the other hand, it hurts a little bit to have to hide who I am.  I feel like no matter how close we are, my friends and family will never completely know me because there will always be a part missing, and that's not a nice feeling.  At this point Sir probably knows me better than anyone ever has, just because he has access to this part as well as everything else.  And I like that feeling. 

I'm getting to a point where my kink interests are becoming a daily part of who I am and I realize that it's only going to get harder and harder to hide.  So I'm trying to be brave about things.  Many months ago I told one of my oldest, closest and most open minded friends about my introduction to kink, and she was completely understanding.  Yesterday I told one of my best (but much more likely to judge) friends, and all he did was say "I get it".  We were shopping for beds and he just kept insisting that I go for the sturdier frames because of my sex life.  It was fun and funny and amazingly open.  

So I think I'm going to be brave again.  It might be another few months before I tell anyone else, or I may start slipping hints into conversations, I don't know.  They don't need to know the details, but it would be great to be able to say that I'm going to a 'kinky party' instead of just 'out', or make a joke about my bruises instead of a lie.  It's insane how much I feel I've grown lately, how much my mindset has changed.  I'm realizing that the person I want to be and the person I am can co-exist, it doesn't have to be one or the other.  It's amazing.  So if anyone is reading this and feels unsure or scared about something, I highly recommend being brave.  So far it's doing wonders for me.

The Almost Orgasm

I can still remember my first orgasm.  I had only just discovered how nice it felt when my fingers rubbed against specific spots (I had no idea what a clit was) and so I would come home from school, enjoy the sensation for a bit and then go about my day.  One day it occurred to me not to stop, that there was something building and so I kept going and going until... well, you know.  How does someone even describe their first orgasm?  That incredible, overwhelming, full body pleasure that comes out of nowhere and leaves you shuddering and gasping.  You're not prepared for it, you couldn't ever have imagined it but from the first it's addictive.  I'm not going to say how much time I spent in my room after that.

I didn't date during high school, or for the first half of my 20s.  I didn't flirt, I didn't get drunk at parties, I didn't have boys hit on me.  There was no kissing, no fooling around, I didn't know how to talk to them or interact with them and I was convinced that they had absolutely no interest in me.  This was frustrating not only because everyone wants someone to like them, but because I was in fact a hugely sexual person and had no way to satisfy it.  The internet allowed me to discover sex and porn and stories, it opened my mind to new possibilities and gave me names for the kinks that I had always known I liked.  I came at least once a day, usually more, and in that manner I got through the majority of my teenage years and 20s.  Orgasms were easy and efficient and I even thought that I was going to be one of those girls who could cum just at a touch.  And then, you know, reality.

The first guy I started dating was the perfect start for me.  Just a tiny bit rough, just a tiny bit kinky, and very happy to spend the afternoon going down on me.  He thought he was giving me great orgasms, and I realized that I was very good at faking it.  It wasn't that I didn't want to cum, I just couldn't seem to get there.  He was good at what he was doing, it felt amazing and I would get so close, but in the end it just never happened for me.  By the time we stopped dating a couple of months later I had resigned myself to two things; I couldn't fake orgasms if I ever hoped to have one, and that it was probably not something I would ever get from a guy.  My casual partners after that made little or no effort to get me off, and those that did quickly gave up when it wasn't happening right away.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Are you ok?" or "what's wrong?" indicating that my inability to cum right away was unusual, wrong, and meant something was off.  

If you're a girl and reading this, you might understand.  If you're a guy, you probably cum quite consistently and there may be no way to describe to you how this feels.  Everyone says that orgasms aren't the point of sex and I agree, to a point.  It's an easy thing to say though when you're getting off each time.  For the other person, it's ok once or twice but after that it becomes emotional.  There's confusion as to why you can't go over the edge, frustration at being so turned on but with no release, anger at your partner that they always get to have that blissful moment while you're laying there horny as hell, and even guilt that they're trying so hard and you can't give them the satisfaction of getting you off..  For the longest time I thought I was broken, it wasn't uncommon for me to cry after sex and usually without the knowledge of my partner.  With Sir I became almost angry if he tried to do anything pleasurable to me because I knew that I would only end up disappointed in the end.

I, like many women, didn't know how common my problem was.  Without even realizing it, we get this message that all women cum easily all the time.  The girls in porn do it.  The girls in stories and tv do it.  I know girls who talk about cumming several times a night with their partners.  If you can't cum like them, then there must be something wrong with you.  I have a friend who felt that she was weird because she couldn't cum just from penetration.  How fucked up is that?  She has a great sex life and plenty of wonderful orgasms, but because she wasn't responding in one area the way that she thought women are supposed to respond, she thought there was something wrong with her.  And it wasn't that she had some weird sense of what was normal, it's because that's what we're programmed to think.  

After about three months I was finally able to orgasm with Sir.  Maybe I was more relaxed around him, maybe I trusted him more, maybe he was better acquainted with my body.  Most likely I'm learning how to let myself get to that point.  It still doesn't happen all of the time, I have to be in the right head space and willing to be vulnerable for awhile.  The other night after the party I knew within two minutes of him trying that I wasn't going to be able to.  My brain was all over the place and I couldn't form the fantasies that usually get me to where I have to be.  It's still upsetting when that happens, and even more now that our dynamic has become what it has.  I feel as though I'm disappointing him, or disobeying when I can't follow through on his order even though I know that he understands.  

And so I say, to all those who enjoy their many orgasms with other people, don't take it for granted.  There are those of us who would kill to be able to feel that release and bliss on a regular basis, and who feel pretty bad when they can't.  It's an ongoing struggle for me and when it happens I'm elated and proud of myself.  When was the last time you were proud of yourself for cumming?  The good news though is that it can only get better from here, I'm unlikely to go backwards in my ability to get there.  In a couple of years, who knows?  I could be multi-orgasmic, set off by a cool breeze!  Until then I'll just have to put my head down and practice.  It'll be tough, I know, but I'm willing to try, even if it is at the expense of Sirs hand.

Little One

There are so many things I want to talk about sometimes.  I want to talk about the fact that I can be insanely turned on and unable to cum.  I want to talk about what it felt like to have my hands tied and Sir choking me up against a wall.  I want to discuss what it's like to not be able to share a huge part of who you are with the people around you.  

All three are subjects that came out of my weekend.  I suppose I should start with the fact that Sir and I went to another dungeon party.  I find it almost humorous that this has become something I find normal.  By the time we got home we were both tipsy and horny and fully aware that we hadn't had sex in over a week, so we barely made it in the door before the fun started. 

It was great.  We had discussed at an earlier point about how much I love struggling, being tied or restrained, and how one of the major things for me was to feel helpless.  I knew I was in for it when he was tying my hands with a scarf and he said "so you want to feel helpless..."  A few minutes later I was backed into a wall with a hand on my throat and no way to tap out.  Even just thinking about it makes me want to squirm.  It's really intense to be unable to defend yourself in any way when faced with someone who could really hurt you if they wanted.  It's also really hot, and it makes me realize how much I trust him.  And best of all, it makes me feel small.

I'm not a small girl, I'm tall and curvy and I have always felt it around other people.  I look at petite, 5'2 girls sometimes and think of how wonderful it must be to always be looking up at the men around them, always physically aware of how much smaller and weaker they are.  It's why I love tall men with dust pan sized hands, it's why I like feeling their strength against mine.  It proves to me that no matter how on par I feel I'm actually at their mercy.  It's about that feeling that makes me want to curl up next to him, that makes me docile and content.  I always thought it was the roughness, the brute force that would get me there but I'm realizing how it's really the little things that get into my head.  

I was face first against a wall and Sir was pressed in behind me, calmly asking me questions while I was trying to get my bearings.  I could feel the intimidation of his presence and was extremely aware of the fact that I was breathing heavily while he was calm and steady.  There was no violence, no harsh words.  He was barely even touching me and yet I felt small and submissive and extremely turned on.  It was the same feeling I had when he was tying my hands, I went and got the scarf for him, kneeled down and gave him my wrists without question like a good girl.  Later he had me kneel on the floor next to him while he rested and all I wanted to do was bury my head against his leg, feeling nothing but pliable and happy and just wanting to be close to him.  

I think I overlook the details sometimes, the nuances.  I get so caught up in the large physical side of everything that the subtle parts can escape me, and yet those are the moments I think about later.  Those are the ones that really drive home the fact that he's in control.  When I'm screaming and squirming and he holds me down by my hair he's physically in command, no question, but when his voice is soft and his motions are slow and firm, that's when I feel it the most.  That's when my body realizes that I'm putty in his hands and have no desire to fight back.  I think those moments are when I really realize how submissive I am.

It's astounding to me still that after a night full of big topics and crazy events the one thing I focus on is something so small.  I will end up talking about the orgasms and my vanilla life.  I'll talk about actually trying to fight back and what that feels like.   For now though I'm tired and my brain is full of naughty things that I want to process.  I'll write the rest later but for now I'm going to go to sleep thinking of the chill that ran through me when he called me "little one"

Night

Smart Girls and Big Hands

"Smart girls are the over-thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust less people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth, and those are the ones worth keeping by your side."

- Drake 


This is awesome.  I found this on fetlife and I thought it was appropriate considering my inclination to over-think everything.  


On another note, I find myself thinking about Sir's hands a lot.  They're huge, they're like dustpans.  I have pretty big hands for a girl and find myself occasionally putting mine against his just to enjoy seeing mine look small for once.  His fingers rise above mine by at least a full knuckle.  I mean he's 6'4, so it's to be expected but I love it.  And when one of them wraps around the back of my neck, or holds my wrists down?  Well, that's about as much foreplay as I need.  

I love being with someone so big.  I realize that dominance is in the mind and in the way one carries themselves, but there's nothing quite like being thrown around by someone who has to lift your chin so that you can look him in the eye.  To have them completely envelop you in a hug or to literally tower over you when you're a puddle on the floor.  I'm 5'10, so this isn't something I get to come across very often.  Big is freaking sexy.

I'm home sick and all I really feel like doing is reading, watching tv and thinking about sex, which was probably the instigator for this little addition.   It's really frustrating to be horny and ill at the same time but fortunately I can do something about one of them  :)

Another Girl - Take #1

I've spent the last two days thinking about having sex with women.  One woman in particular, and it was on my mind 24/7.  What would it be like?  What would we do?  How do I know what to do to her and what if she's disappointed?   Needless to say I'm a bit of an overthinker.  And so yesterday I raced home from work, got as ready as I could and then went off to meet Sir and his play partner who we'll refer to as Giggles (when she cums she laughs like crazy.  It's really cute).  

We went for some food and many drinks and hung out.  I think that was as much for my benefit as theirs, they didn't want to just jump right in and scare me off and letting me get a bit tipsy first never hurts.  This was the second time we'd met up, but the first time she and I had pretty much no interaction with one another while we played.  This time there was more of an emphasis on me and her fooling around and me getting the chance to sate my curiosity regarding sex with other girls.  My coping mechanism came in the form of rum and cinnamon whiskey.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted this and had been looking forward to it.  As I tried to explain to both Sir and Giggles though, anytime I do anything new in terms of sex I get nervous.  I overthink, I get shy, I turn it into a much bigger deal in my head than it really is.  So my nerves at the beginning of the night weren't situation specific, they were just me doing what I do.  And I have to say, they were mostly unfounded.  When we got back to her house I felt totally comfortable and relaxed.  When we started playing around I wasn't shy or embarrassed, I didn't feel as though I couldn't handle what was going on and the atmosphere was playful and fun.  I even got naked, which I'd managed to avoid the last time.  

It started out with the usual, Sir making out with me and then her, us giving him head either alternating or together.  There were lots of hands and sighs and moans and it was really great.  And then Sir decided to fuck me and oh my freaking god.  He got me on all fours and it felt amazing.  Up to this point Giggles and I hadn't had much contact, I'd felt her hands along my back and ass at one point earlier but that had been about it.  And so suddenly while I'm being fucked by Sir she got beneath me and I felt a mouth on one nipple and a hand on the other.  

I'm just going to add in at this point that I have extremely sensitive nipples.  There are times when I think I could cum just from having them stimulated.  If you want to get me off they are the first place to go and after only seconds of work I'll be squirming around and moaning.  Seriously, it's good.  So you can imagine how unbelievable it felt to have that going on while having sex.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I can't even remember a lot of it, I just know that I was writhing and moaning and saying 'oh fuck' a lot.  Eventually I had to pull away and I spent a few moments laying on the bed giggling with my hands across my chest.  I even told Sir that I never wanted to have sex with just him again.  

While that had been going on my hands were clutching at her and I have to say I like the different feeling of a girl vs a guy.  It's kind of nice to feel something that soft under your hands.  I'm pretty sure I even got my mouth on her tit at one point.  And that my friends, is about the time I became disappointed with my first girl on girl.  And it wasn't at her.

I can be a complete idiot sometimes.  After that awesome experience I didn't touch her again for the entire night.  She gave me ample opportunity, there were moments I thought she was specifically saying or doing something just to give me the chance to jump in if I wanted to.  And I wanted to, but did I?  No, of course not.  I watched Sir go down on her for ten minutes, followed by them fucking for another while and the entire time I wanted to join in somehow.  Play with her breasts or try going down on her or even just try kissing her for pete's sake, but instead I sat on the edge of the bed and just watched because that's what I do.  A lot of my apprehension beforehand had been to do with this.  I get unsure of what to do and self conscious that my attempts won't be welcome or that I'll do something incorrectly and ruin what they were doing.  I realize it's mostly ridiculous but it's something that's always stuck with me.  It's why I can't initiate anything and why I rarely ask Sir for anything.  The fear of making a fool out of myself overrides any desire that I have (which I realize is a crappy way to do things).

And so for the last bit of the night, after all the laughing and amazing sensation and comfort, I sat mostly apart.  I felt myself disconnect from the experience and I became very frustrated with myself for not being able to put my desires into actions or words.  I don't think I spoke for the last half hour that we were all together, and certainly not on the ride home, because I was in my head and felt trapped by my own inability.  The worst part of this is that I realize that to other people this can come off as disinterest, petulance or boredom.   I like Giggles and I really want to play with her more but I can't expect her to be willing to hold my hand through everything, or be able to translate my hesitancy into shyness or insecurity.  

I loved last night and the memory of parts of it will remain in the spank bank for a good long while.  I was able to stay with Sir and the comfort of having him in the same bed and there in the morning was enough to knock the disconnect and insecurity out of me.  I mean, it really was pretty great.  And fortunately both Sir and Giggles are very understanding people and I know I'll probably get another go.  Hopefully anyway.  And most importantly, I'm allowed chocolate today.  So really, I had a threesome last night, spent the night with Sir, and my day will include chocolate.  How could I be anything but happy and content after that?

God bless sex.

Use Me

Use me.  

Seriously, use me.  Throw me around, tell me degrading things, treat me like an object.  Use me to get yourself off and then get me off with the knowledge of what I'm willing to do for you.

If you take care of me afterwards I'll be right there the next time, wanting more.

Sir told me to figure out what it is about giving up control that I like.  It took me a little while and a lot of rambling writing but I think I figured it out.  And a lot of it boils down to what I said above.  Use me.  

When I'm playing I get off on being objectified, used, degraded.  I'm not an equal, I'm reduced to something purely sexual for the pleasure of others.  It's hot.  So why wouldn't I want more of that?  Allowing Sir to have control of my sexual activity as well as elements like eating in a healthier way means that at least once during the day I have to ask him for permission for something.  So at least once a day I'm reverting back into the mind set of someone who isn't in control, who has allowed someone else to have ownership.  Since that gets me off, the more the better.  

There are other things of course.  Sir enjoys the feeling of power and the knowledge of the control that he has over me, and pleasing him is pleasing to me.  I like the feeling I receive when he tells me that I'm a good girl, or I've obeyed well and so the more I have to ask for something and I'm good, the more I'll get the positive responses that make me happy.  

And this is a two way street.  He gets the perks of control and a fucktoy, but with that comes the responsibility to protect me, comfort me and strive to help me.  The knowledge of that alone is a wonderful feeling.  I wouldn't be able to do the rough stuff if he wasn't also gentle and kind.  I wouldn't be able to withstand the degradation if he wasn't complimentary and positive in general.  I can enjoy giving up control because I know that when I do he will pay attention to what I need.  

As with anything there has to be lines and limits.  This dynamic probably can't stray too much into the rest of our lives because of the fact that I need to feel equal in certain aspects.  The other night we were hanging out and he told me to go pour him a drink.  I refused and he put his dom face on, but we weren't playing and in that situation I wasn't his submissive.  As I would with anyone else I figured he could get his own damn drink and after a few minutes of testing on both sides, he did.  Those lines have to stay up or I'd be vulnerable to becoming something akin to a servant with the inability to say "fuck you".  

The fact that we're poly can be difficult as well.  If I'm asking permission for something and he's with another partner he may not respond for hours even though the dessert I'm being offered will be withdrawn within minutes.  When I need him after hard sessions he may not be there for me because of commitments to others, and it can be easy to fall into the trap of every encounter focusing on sex and the dynamic without leaving much time for a proper relationship between equals.

So there it is, probably the most I'll ever be able to articulate why I like giving up control.  And it really does boil down to just - use me.  Throw me around, treat me like an object to get yourself off.  It's what's hardwired into me and whether you're treating me like a toy in the same room or in different cities, the rush of pleasure that it gives me is the same and it's awesome. 

In a couple of days I'll be meeting up with Sir and his casual partner that I had a little adventure with a while back.  I have the feeling I may experience my first girl on girl action, assuming I don't freeze up or make a total ass of myself.  I realize I'm a girl, but that doesn't mean I know what to do on other women.  So we'll see.  I'll let you know what happens though, I may even throw in some dirty details if you're good.  

Goodnight for now :)

Knowing My Place

I went to a psychic yesterday.  I don't generally believe in them but I'd heard some interesting things about this one and thought that it sounded like fun.  I have to say, I was slightly nervous that she'd take one look at me and say something like "oh...  whips and chains eh?" but thankfully that didn't happen.  Maybe that means she's not really psychic.

She told me a lot of different things, some very specific and some more vague and open to interpretation.  At one point she said that I had been resisting something for the past little while, but that there's recently been a shift.  I realize she could say that to anyone and they'd find something that fit but the first thing that occurred to me was my evolving view on my submission.  Just that morning I had been thinking about the fact that I was becoming more comfortable with my submissive side.  I realize a lot of what I write about is second guessing about my choices and desires and I'm sure that will still occur as I explore, but in a general sense I'm just more ok with it.  

I'm a submissive to my Sir and I'm happy that way.  I don't know why.  I enjoy being used and degraded and treated like a toy and as long as I get comfort and care afterwards it's something that will always get me off.  I'm in a situation where there is trust and communication and where nothing I could admit to wanting would be looked down upon.  I never realized how much energy I was putting into fighting myself until I let up.

Last night I went to see Sir and we talked about my experience after the punishment and how we can keep it from happening again.  It was exactly what I needed, and half an hour later I was happily giving him head while he played GTA5.  And I mean it when I say happily.  For what felt like ages I serviced him while he occupied himself with something else and I got off on it.  There was no shame, no fear of judgement, just the pleasure of doing something I enjoy that pleased him in turn.  And I like this new outlook. 

There will still be moments of doubt of course, and I would like to get to a deeper understanding of why I like what I do.  Sir asks me that occasionally and I can never seem to answer past "I don't know".  I'm going to reflect on it and attempt some form of articulation, and it will probably end up on here.  Until then however I'm just going to enjoy the fact that when Sir holds my head down on him and tells me to know my place all I feel is pleasure and lust and none of it is tainted with shame.  Whether she meant to be or not the psychic was right, there has been a shift and my resistance is leaving me.  My place is where he says it is, on my knees or in his arms, and it's the only way I'd want it to be.