Tears and Fears

He brought another partner home last night.  Well, a casual partner, a fwb.  I had a heads up that they were almost home and hid in my room.  I hadn't met her yet, and didn't want the initial hello to be while they were on the way to the other bedroom.  As soon as I heard the door I felt a knot start in my chest.

I've never had a partner bring home someone else before.  Well, not while I was home.  I've never had to hear someone I love have sex with someone else when I wasn't involved.  And I've never had him spending the night 10 feet away wrapped up with someone else.

I have no problem with poly, but I had a feeling I would have a problem with this.  I couldn't jump into it all at once like that.  I've told him as much, I wanted to go slowly.  Meet the person first when sex wasn't on the menu.  See if I could handle being in the house while they get it on, but know that he'll be there for me afterwards if I'm struggling.  That's not how he saw it, and there's not much you can do when your partner has decided what they're going to do and invitations will not be reneged.

They put music on, which I appreciated at first but then found that all I could do was lay there and wonder what they were doing.  I was trying to sleep, thinking that if I could just pass out it would be done when I woke up and I would feel better, but the music volume became a problem.  When I worked up the courage to go out to ask them to turn it down I realized they had already moved on.  I turned it off and went back to bed, only to find that I could now hear every moan and gasp that travelled up the hallway.  The knot in my chest got tighter and tighter.

I could hear him slapping her, I could hear them fucking.  It went on for hours and the more exhausted I became the harder it was to handle.  All I could think was that he was giving her all this pleasure when it's something I'd been craving.  That he was getting hours of pleasure from her when our sex life had all but died.  That this beautiful, sexy girl was in my house having fun and laughing when I felt trapped in my room, too intimidated to even walk to the bathroom.  That this entire thing was happening even though he knew I didn't think I could handle it and it didn't seem to matter.

I swung between sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe, to feeling so much rage and pain that I wanted to smash the doors in.  I tried watching a movie with headphones but could hear the slaps regardless.  I wouldn't hear anything for awhile and try to sleep only to have moans start up again.  It made me so angry that I was in my room experiencing so much pain and frustration while he was going to drift to sleep blissfully happy and content.  That I was having such a hard time and he had no idea.  That he was so close and knew I was uncomfortable with the idea, but couldn't even send me a text to check in.  The closest he came was when he popped in to pick up more condoms and asked if they were too loud.  I was so tightly strung that I could barely force a "fine" past my lips.

I spent my night that way, crying and trying to deal with the genuinely overwhelming emotion I felt.  Saying I got three hours of sleep would be generous.  When I woke up I could hear them making breakfast followed by more moans and sighs.  I stayed hidden in my room until I had to go out, terrified that I would see them on the way and frustrated that I still hadn't gotten so much as a good morning text once he knew I was out and about.

Now I can't even talk to him about it.  The knot in my chest is still there and I'm exhausted from no sleep.  If the situation were reversed he says he'd have no problem with it, and so he can't understand where I'm coming from.  I'm afraid that if I try to explain again, it's going to be written off as an over-reaction, or he'll take it to mean I'm poly in words and not actions.  I've thought so hard about it and I honestly don't think it's either.  I've always been willing and open to making this work for both of us but I can't just jump in the way he can.  Most couples are completely secure and solid with their relationships before getting to the point of being able to have their partners spend the night with someone just down the hall.  Our relationship has fluctuated so often that I just need to take the big stuff in steps, and feel that I'm supported in that and not just written off as selfish or obsessive.

This post, I think, is mostly for him.  My thoughts are better laid out in writing and this is the easiest way for me to sort them out.  All I really want from all this is for him to understand what I'm feeling and why, so that the next time we can sort out a compromise that allows me to feel comfortable while working towards the freedom that he wants.  I just know I can't handle another night like the one I just had.  I'm not that perfect, not yet.

Little Bits of Crazy

It's been a very long time since I've written here and I had all but intended to give it up.  When I began this blog it was so that I could keep my thoughts in order while giving Sir a way to understand what is going through my head.  Now that our relationship has become more involved I don't know if I have the same desire for him to know everything I'm thinking about what we do, which maybe seems a bit backward?  At this point I suppose I should be as transparent as ever.  No matter though, as Sir has requested that I write another post, so here I am.

A couple of weeks ago I got my collar.  I'm His now more than I ever was before.  The rules are different and are taking me some time to become accustomed to.  I must present when I get home, I must ask permission to sit and to get up, to perform tasks around the house, to come to bed.  My collar is to be worn at all times that I'm at home which is fine, except I'm becoming so used to it that I'm already forgetting to take it off when I leave.  The other day I had the mortifying experience of walking out to my car and seeing several neighbours before hearing the jangle of the ring and realizing it was still around my neck.  I've been avoiding those neighbours ever since, and thanking god that we'll soon be moving.

It's wonderful and scary.  It's mostly scary that I enjoy it so much, that I'm falling into it so easily and without much fuss.  I'm aware that we're functioning at the most basic level at this point since I'm still trying to break the habit of just getting up and doing as I please.

I find that I have two range of emotion when that collar is on me.  Either I'm wanting to be good and get it right and I'm trying to remember all of the rules and do it the way he wants, or I'm reacting to this extreme amount of control with extreme frustration and anger or emotion.  When it's good, I feel small and happy and I just want approval and sex and fun.  When it's bad, my emotions go haywire and I work myself into a state where nothing is ok because life just sucks.

The other way of putting it is that it's almost easy when I'm being told to do things that I would probably be doing anyway.  Or if it makes me feel loved and looked after and valued, of course I'll go get him that drink, or throw something in the oven for him.  What I'm struggling with (already) is when his desires directly conflict with mine and I'm automatically on the losing end.  I'm not the type of person to do things I don't want to do and up until this point I have had no problem telling people to do it their damn selves, or that no, I'm not going to go do that activity because I don't feel like it.  Suddenly that's not an option and the parts of me that aren't submissive go into full revolt when they see me giving in.

*(As a sidenote, I get that if there's something that I REALLY can't or won't do that I have full rights not to do it.  Signing that contract didn't actually make me incapable of saying no.  I'm an all or nothing girl though, and if we're going to do this we're going to do it right which means that except for the exceptional, I do as I'm told)*

Some girls are graceful in their submission, they want to serve their Sirs and take care of them and genuinely think of their own needs as secondary to that of their Masters.  I'm not that girl.  I'm clumsy and awkward and I'm as selfish as the next person in that I want what I want and don't tell me no.  Maybe I can become that girl.  Maybe all it takes is practice and the proper training.  Or maybe I'll just stay the way I am, desiring to please him but hiding emotional trip wires that explode if something rubs my independent side the wrong way.  I hope that's not the case.  When I do get upset I can't verbalize it properly, I can't tell him that I'm furious at him but that it's not actually at him.  That I don't know why I'm suddenly so angry and sad and even though I hate having to do whatever it is, not doing it would mean I was failing at what I promised and it really is what I want in the long run.  I don't want him to think I can't handle it but I don't want him to get scared off by my own personal batch of crazy.  I can't expect him to understand when I don't even understand.

Oh the joys of completely changing the way that you live and look at your life.  It's confusion and excitement and love and lust and anger and happiness all rolled into a bizarre jumble and you never know what's going to come out next.  Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that I really do love him and that he really does love me, and that despite our individual flaws we trust each other enough to make this commitment and try to do what it is that will make us both happy.

This was quite long.  I promise that the next few will be much shorter and hopefully a little less full of crazy.  Maybe.

Birthday Presents

I'm getting a collar for my birthday :)

Sir measured my neck today and said it was for my birthday present.  It didn't take me many guesses.  

I have to say it's the last thing I was expecting from him.  Life has gotten in the way of a lot of things lately, our kink being one of them.  We've been trying to work with each others issues and it can be really difficult to navigate a normal relationship through the stuff we have, never mind keeping the dynamic in place.  It is in place of course, but the amount of playing and the general feel of our dynamic has diminished a great deal.  It was all bad timing, we had just reached a point where our d/s relationship was becoming deeper, more involved with our regular lives and broadening into different directions.  The sudden lack of play and interest as this started had me wondering if I was trying to push things in a direction that Sir didn't actually want and second guessing myself.  

I realized how far I've fallen into the sub frame of mind when I started thinking about collars.  Six months ago I would have shunned the idea completely and now I found myself wanting the feeling of security and submission that I imagine having something of Sirs would bring.  I'd mentioned it a couple of times to Sir but then life got in the way, and I genuinely thought that it's not something he would be interested in for a very long time.  Apparently I was wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I still find it scary and I realize what a big step it is.  I know that it signifies what our relationship has become and that can be a daunting thing for me to analyze too deeply.  On the other hand though, I'm excited and nervous and happy.  To know that Sir has been thinking about this when I thought he wasn't interested makes me feel confident that it's ok to want what I've wanted and to explore this deeper side of things.  To have a reminder that I'm his and that he wanted to take this step with me makes me feel loved and understood and safe.  And lets face it, it's kinda hot.  

The other upside of learning of this development has been the discussion that we've had tonight about our situation.  I now know that Sir understands why I'm wanting to explore the things that I am, and I understand why he's been reluctant.  And it occurs to me that the mere fact that we've been finding moments to continue our dynamic in all the turmoil means that we're both invested in it a great deal.  It's easy to enjoy the fun stuff when life is perfect.  It's the fact that we're still managing it even now that shows how much a part of us it really is.  

As we continue to explore I think my role is going to become more service oriented at times since this is something that Sir enjoys.  He has asked me to find other things that I would like to incoorporate that pull away from the sadistic or rough nature that we've adopted, but I'm having a bit of trouble with that question.  There are things for punishments like the sitting with a blindfold or not being allowed to speak or make eye contact, but he wants ideas for everyday times which will reinforce the dynamic without making him feel like he's punishing me.  Something like sitting at his feet while we watch tv is something along those lines, but I would very much appreciate any other ideas that you're willing to share.  I imagine most of the people that read this have a bit more experience in this area than I do and I'd love to pick your brains :)  

The Naughty Corner

I broke a rule.  I was grumpy and frustrated, and when I'm in that mood I tend to get a bit of a "whatever, it's fine" frame of mind.  Of course when I wake up the next morning that feeling has been replaced by guilt and the dread of knowing I'm going to pay for it.  

I got home from work knowing what my punishment would be and so I got to it right away.  First it was making him dinner and doing some chores.  Independently neither of those things bother me but he knows that I have a very negative reaction to being treated like the maid.  I am submissive in many ways, but if I ever feel like he's not pulling his weight around the house I can get very uppity.  On this day however I did them without a word, knowing that I wasn't supposed to enjoy it and that I deserved it.  I should mention that I was also becoming sick and dead tired, which made me less inclined to obey but also less able to put up a fight.  

After the chores were done he took me into our bedroom and had me sit in the corner with a blindfold on.  He turned off the lights and left me there in the dark to think about what I'd done and appreciate the fact that he'd chosen to leave the belt out of this punishment.  By the time he came to get me an hour later, I felt like a chastened child and was properly put into my place.  I would have done anything he told me to after that.

We were speaking about it yesterday and I was trying to articulate to him why I found that form of punishment so much more appealing than his normal method.  Now of course when I say "appealing" it doesn't mean I enjoyed it.  Or if I did, I enjoyed it the same way I enjoy being beaten with a belt the day after when I'm well rested, the memory of the pain has faded and I'm checking out my sweet bruises.  The problem however is that I can't pinpoint why I enjoyed this type so much.  Writing usually allows me to get my thoughts in order, so here we go.

For the past few weeks Sir and I have discussed and alluded to the idea of a deeper dynamic that stretches even further outside the bedroom.  The more time I've had to think about it, the more I want to start down that road.  Situations in Sirs life however have left him less than inclined to pursue any kind of d/s at the moment, never mind the unexplored.  I find that incredibly frustrating, but I trust that things will fall back into place when they're meant to.  The punishment that I received the other day was like a glimpse at that possible future dynamic.  There wasn't any great scene created, we didn't suspend our normal relationship and switch to the d/s.  In this instance, the submission was blended into our normal lives and it was carried out in a very cut and dry manner.  I was bad, I was punished accordingly, and then we continued with our evening.  

I suppose the biggest difference for me is that it wasn't as emotional as normal.  The only other two punishments that I've had have involved a very hurt or angry Sir and a beating that resulted in my sobbing and begging.  They were incredibly emotional and high intensity.  This past one was done in a very calm manner as though it were just part of a normal day.  And I guess it's that sense of normality that I want to experience, the feeling of my submission or his dominance just being part of our daily routine.  I don't want these things to happen just because we're horny or emotional, but because we get something out of it when we're calm and content.  

Also, there's something about being sent to the corner like a naughty child that makes you feel small and chastened, which is a feeling I've come to love. 

I'm once again exhausted and have to aim for sleep.  I don't know if I've answered my own question or not, but as always I appreciate that you've kept up with my ranting (if you've actually gotten this far that is).  Good night to you all!

Contentment

Last night Sir and I were watching television.  I was frustrated from chronic pain in my leg that a doctor had just told me I should ignore and I was still frustrated by the minimal physical contact I was receiving from Sir (ie: sitting on opposite ends of the couch all night).  I wanted comfort and was clutching a stuffed fish to try and compensate.  So when he looked at me with that look on his face and said "Sit", a little tingle of calm and pleasure went through me and I slid to the floor, fish and all.

We spent the next while just like that, Sir's hand stroking my hair or firmly on the back of my neck while I curled up against his leg.  It made everything better.  I relaxed, my frustrations melted away as I got all of the attention that I've been craving this last while.  Afterwards he took me to our bedroom and it was exactly what I needed.  His inner sadist took a break and I did everything I could to behave and please him, I felt completely and utterly submissive to him and so happy within that.

Sir heard what I had told him and he took care of me.  He gave me what I needed and I fell asleep more content than I have been in awhile.  It's times like this that confirm everything for me.  Of how much I crave the submission, both with sex and separately.  Of how much I love Sir and trust that he'll look after me and my needs.  Of how sure I am about the path that we've taken and are going to take.

At this moment I know that I'm his little pet and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Patience

I am not a patient person.  When I decide to do something, I jump in with both feet and when I want something, I want it now.  Since having realized that I want to explore different areas of kink with Sir, I've been pretty eager and I have all these ideas in my head of what form our relationship will take and what it will look like in the months to come.  And at first we were doing things like me having to call him Sir in more situations, and we were discussing things like collars and behaviour for the future.  It was exciting and fun and while I was scared about going down this new road, I was happy.  

And then, it all just stopped.  Sir has been dealing with some issues of his own and things like the divorce and the breakup with his other partner take time to heal.  It's meant however that our explorations have been put on hold.  At first I didn't understand what was going on.  The attention and sexual vibe just drifted away and I found myself vying for attention and submission.  I mentioned the urge to sit at his feet during Christmas, and I did again a couple of times since then.  I kept having the urge to touch him or be held by him and we all know how much that was stressing me out.  I thought I was becoming a needy little sub and attention whore and it really bothered me.  

Yesterday I had an epiphany.  It wasn't that I suddenly needed to be around him all the time and be this desperate slave girl, it was that I was trying to get the attention and contact that had gone away.  Sir isn't capable of focusing on that part of our relationship and while it still sucks, I realize that my reactions aren't as extreme or out of the blue as I'd thought.  I allowed myself to come to this place mentally and now just have to wait.

So here we are.   I'm in a situation where my sexuality is controlled by someone who isn't thinking about sex.  If I want to cum it's rare that I feel like I can.  I'm not going to ask him permission and then go into the other room to get myself off.  That feels wrong and lonely.  I'm craving sex and I can't get it.  More than that I'm craving submission.  I don't know how to deal with it other than to do things like sit at his feet and hope he'll acknowledge it, or cuddle up to him on the couch and hope he does or say something to make me feel like his little pet.  

And through all of it, I feel guilty that I'm thinking of sex and orgasms while he's dealing with all of his issues.  I want to be supportive and understanding but there are these parts of me that have become such needs in my life and our relationship that I don't know how to compensate for them.  And so I turn into touchy feely needy girl and get all stressy about it, which doesn't help anything.

Sir and I have talked about it and I now know he's aware of how I'm feeling.  I realize that it'll take time for things to improve and I'm going to have to work on this whole patience thing.  At least I know that if I'm willing to continue to follow his rules now when it means that I'm not getting what I want, that I'm making the right decision when it comes to this whole kink/dynamic thing.  This is where I belong, and this is what will make me happy.  He is what makes me happy.  I just have to trust that I can be patient for the first time in my life.  Ever.  

Naughty and Nice

I don't know if Santa would know what to leave for me if he knew what was going on in my head most of the time.  

Sir and I have spent the last few days surrounded by my family and Christmas festivities.  I love Christmas and I love my family and Sir, so for me this has been the best combination of all things.  And yet, that extra naughty little part of me keeps seeping into things, tainting the wholesome holiday fun (and by tainting I mean making it extra awesome).  

Christmas Eve morning we were visiting family and opening gifts and I was told how much they all approved of Sir (this being the first time he's met most of my family).  All I could think of was how the night before this 'nice guy' had handcuffed me, fucked me in the ass and choked me while I sobbed and begged him not to.  It kept slipping into my mind and I spent a lot of time daydreaming about our sex life.

 Christmas Eve night I was with my immediate and extended family playing games and being festive and I kept finding excuses to sit on the floor next to Sir's chair.  It was a reasonably easy task, I usually like sitting on the floor anyway and I used the fire as a reason.  And partly, it was true.  Mostly however I wanted to be sitting at his feet.   I wanted to experience that submissive feeling that I've been craving more and more, and this was the most subtle way of achieving it.  Granted Sir probably couldn't have stroked my hair all night or held me by the back of the neck the way I love without it looking odd, but the occasional hand on my shoulder was enough to make me feel like his little sub.  

Christmas Day he teased me a bit in the kitchen when my mum was out of the room, and allowed me to cum later in the shower.  I spent most of the rest of the day craving physical attention from him but had to keep the PDA down to a level suitable to the occasion and company.

Tangent: I'm increasingly craving physical contact with Sir.  And not even sexual contact, just some form of physical connection.  If I'm near him I want to be touching him, or more importantly, I want him to be touching me.  I'm finding that even a hand on my leg can give me that feeling of ownership or belonging that I seem to want.  Someone once told me that true subs and true slaves become desperate for the attention of their Masters, that they become almost pathetic in their desire for more.  He didn't mean this in a negative way, but I remember thinking to myself that I would never allow myself to get there.  That I would never allow myself to be in the vulnerable situation of constantly wanting attention and connection and being a 'desperate' slave.  And yet, now I'm beginning to understand what he meant and I find myself in a position I hadn't expected.  And I'm fighting it, as always, despite being so content when my cravings are met.  

Tangent over.

My holidays were both extra wonderful this year because I was able to share them with Sir, and extra surreal.  I was the doting daughter, the accommodating niece and cousin, and the entire time I was thinking about being pushed into the floor and having Sirs cock in me.   I've been able to keep my social and sexual lives pretty separate up to this point, but I have a feeling things are going to get weirder and weirder as my dynamic becomes more of my actual life.  Poor Santa's not going to have a clue which list I go on.