I can still remember my first orgasm. I had only just discovered how nice it felt when my fingers rubbed against specific spots (I had no idea what a clit was) and so I would come home from school, enjoy the sensation for a bit and then go about my day. One day it occurred to me not to stop, that there was something building and so I kept going and going until... well, you know. How does someone even describe their first orgasm? That incredible, overwhelming, full body pleasure that comes out of nowhere and leaves you shuddering and gasping. You're not prepared for it, you couldn't ever have imagined it but from the first it's addictive. I'm not going to say how much time I spent in my room after that.
I didn't date during high school, or for the first half of my 20s. I didn't flirt, I didn't get drunk at parties, I didn't have boys hit on me. There was no kissing, no fooling around, I didn't know how to talk to them or interact with them and I was convinced that they had absolutely no interest in me. This was frustrating not only because everyone wants someone to like them, but because I was in fact a hugely sexual person and had no way to satisfy it. The internet allowed me to discover sex and porn and stories, it opened my mind to new possibilities and gave me names for the kinks that I had always known I liked. I came at least once a day, usually more, and in that manner I got through the majority of my teenage years and 20s. Orgasms were easy and efficient and I even thought that I was going to be one of those girls who could cum just at a touch. And then, you know, reality.
The first guy I started dating was the perfect start for me. Just a tiny bit rough, just a tiny bit kinky, and very happy to spend the afternoon going down on me. He thought he was giving me great orgasms, and I realized that I was very good at faking it. It wasn't that I didn't want to cum, I just couldn't seem to get there. He was good at what he was doing, it felt amazing and I would get so close, but in the end it just never happened for me. By the time we stopped dating a couple of months later I had resigned myself to two things; I couldn't fake orgasms if I ever hoped to have one, and that it was probably not something I would ever get from a guy. My casual partners after that made little or no effort to get me off, and those that did quickly gave up when it wasn't happening right away. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Are you ok?" or "what's wrong?" indicating that my inability to cum right away was unusual, wrong, and meant something was off.
If you're a girl and reading this, you might understand. If you're a guy, you probably cum quite consistently and there may be no way to describe to you how this feels. Everyone says that orgasms aren't the point of sex and I agree, to a point. It's an easy thing to say though when you're getting off each time. For the other person, it's ok once or twice but after that it becomes emotional. There's confusion as to why you can't go over the edge, frustration at being so turned on but with no release, anger at your partner that they always get to have that blissful moment while you're laying there horny as hell, and even guilt that they're trying so hard and you can't give them the satisfaction of getting you off.. For the longest time I thought I was broken, it wasn't uncommon for me to cry after sex and usually without the knowledge of my partner. With Sir I became almost angry if he tried to do anything pleasurable to me because I knew that I would only end up disappointed in the end.
I, like many women, didn't know how common my problem was. Without even realizing it, we get this message that all women cum easily all the time. The girls in porn do it. The girls in stories and tv do it. I know girls who talk about cumming several times a night with their partners. If you can't cum like them, then there must be something wrong with you. I have a friend who felt that she was weird because she couldn't cum just from penetration. How fucked up is that? She has a great sex life and plenty of wonderful orgasms, but because she wasn't responding in one area the way that she thought women are supposed to respond, she thought there was something wrong with her. And it wasn't that she had some weird sense of what was normal, it's because that's what we're programmed to think.
After about three months I was finally able to orgasm with Sir. Maybe I was more relaxed around him, maybe I trusted him more, maybe he was better acquainted with my body. Most likely I'm learning how to let myself get to that point. It still doesn't happen all of the time, I have to be in the right head space and willing to be vulnerable for awhile. The other night after the party I knew within two minutes of him trying that I wasn't going to be able to. My brain was all over the place and I couldn't form the fantasies that usually get me to where I have to be. It's still upsetting when that happens, and even more now that our dynamic has become what it has. I feel as though I'm disappointing him, or disobeying when I can't follow through on his order even though I know that he understands.
And so I say, to all those who enjoy their many orgasms with other people, don't take it for granted. There are those of us who would kill to be able to feel that release and bliss on a regular basis, and who feel pretty bad when they can't. It's an ongoing struggle for me and when it happens I'm elated and proud of myself. When was the last time you were proud of yourself for cumming? The good news though is that it can only get better from here, I'm unlikely to go backwards in my ability to get there. In a couple of years, who knows? I could be multi-orgasmic, set off by a cool breeze! Until then I'll just have to put my head down and practice. It'll be tough, I know, but I'm willing to try, even if it is at the expense of Sirs hand.
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