Smart Girls and Big Hands

"Smart girls are the over-thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust less people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth, and those are the ones worth keeping by your side."

- Drake 


This is awesome.  I found this on fetlife and I thought it was appropriate considering my inclination to over-think everything.  


On another note, I find myself thinking about Sir's hands a lot.  They're huge, they're like dustpans.  I have pretty big hands for a girl and find myself occasionally putting mine against his just to enjoy seeing mine look small for once.  His fingers rise above mine by at least a full knuckle.  I mean he's 6'4, so it's to be expected but I love it.  And when one of them wraps around the back of my neck, or holds my wrists down?  Well, that's about as much foreplay as I need.  

I love being with someone so big.  I realize that dominance is in the mind and in the way one carries themselves, but there's nothing quite like being thrown around by someone who has to lift your chin so that you can look him in the eye.  To have them completely envelop you in a hug or to literally tower over you when you're a puddle on the floor.  I'm 5'10, so this isn't something I get to come across very often.  Big is freaking sexy.

I'm home sick and all I really feel like doing is reading, watching tv and thinking about sex, which was probably the instigator for this little addition.   It's really frustrating to be horny and ill at the same time but fortunately I can do something about one of them  :)

Another Girl - Take #1

I've spent the last two days thinking about having sex with women.  One woman in particular, and it was on my mind 24/7.  What would it be like?  What would we do?  How do I know what to do to her and what if she's disappointed?   Needless to say I'm a bit of an overthinker.  And so yesterday I raced home from work, got as ready as I could and then went off to meet Sir and his play partner who we'll refer to as Giggles (when she cums she laughs like crazy.  It's really cute).  

We went for some food and many drinks and hung out.  I think that was as much for my benefit as theirs, they didn't want to just jump right in and scare me off and letting me get a bit tipsy first never hurts.  This was the second time we'd met up, but the first time she and I had pretty much no interaction with one another while we played.  This time there was more of an emphasis on me and her fooling around and me getting the chance to sate my curiosity regarding sex with other girls.  My coping mechanism came in the form of rum and cinnamon whiskey.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted this and had been looking forward to it.  As I tried to explain to both Sir and Giggles though, anytime I do anything new in terms of sex I get nervous.  I overthink, I get shy, I turn it into a much bigger deal in my head than it really is.  So my nerves at the beginning of the night weren't situation specific, they were just me doing what I do.  And I have to say, they were mostly unfounded.  When we got back to her house I felt totally comfortable and relaxed.  When we started playing around I wasn't shy or embarrassed, I didn't feel as though I couldn't handle what was going on and the atmosphere was playful and fun.  I even got naked, which I'd managed to avoid the last time.  

It started out with the usual, Sir making out with me and then her, us giving him head either alternating or together.  There were lots of hands and sighs and moans and it was really great.  And then Sir decided to fuck me and oh my freaking god.  He got me on all fours and it felt amazing.  Up to this point Giggles and I hadn't had much contact, I'd felt her hands along my back and ass at one point earlier but that had been about it.  And so suddenly while I'm being fucked by Sir she got beneath me and I felt a mouth on one nipple and a hand on the other.  

I'm just going to add in at this point that I have extremely sensitive nipples.  There are times when I think I could cum just from having them stimulated.  If you want to get me off they are the first place to go and after only seconds of work I'll be squirming around and moaning.  Seriously, it's good.  So you can imagine how unbelievable it felt to have that going on while having sex.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I can't even remember a lot of it, I just know that I was writhing and moaning and saying 'oh fuck' a lot.  Eventually I had to pull away and I spent a few moments laying on the bed giggling with my hands across my chest.  I even told Sir that I never wanted to have sex with just him again.  

While that had been going on my hands were clutching at her and I have to say I like the different feeling of a girl vs a guy.  It's kind of nice to feel something that soft under your hands.  I'm pretty sure I even got my mouth on her tit at one point.  And that my friends, is about the time I became disappointed with my first girl on girl.  And it wasn't at her.

I can be a complete idiot sometimes.  After that awesome experience I didn't touch her again for the entire night.  She gave me ample opportunity, there were moments I thought she was specifically saying or doing something just to give me the chance to jump in if I wanted to.  And I wanted to, but did I?  No, of course not.  I watched Sir go down on her for ten minutes, followed by them fucking for another while and the entire time I wanted to join in somehow.  Play with her breasts or try going down on her or even just try kissing her for pete's sake, but instead I sat on the edge of the bed and just watched because that's what I do.  A lot of my apprehension beforehand had been to do with this.  I get unsure of what to do and self conscious that my attempts won't be welcome or that I'll do something incorrectly and ruin what they were doing.  I realize it's mostly ridiculous but it's something that's always stuck with me.  It's why I can't initiate anything and why I rarely ask Sir for anything.  The fear of making a fool out of myself overrides any desire that I have (which I realize is a crappy way to do things).

And so for the last bit of the night, after all the laughing and amazing sensation and comfort, I sat mostly apart.  I felt myself disconnect from the experience and I became very frustrated with myself for not being able to put my desires into actions or words.  I don't think I spoke for the last half hour that we were all together, and certainly not on the ride home, because I was in my head and felt trapped by my own inability.  The worst part of this is that I realize that to other people this can come off as disinterest, petulance or boredom.   I like Giggles and I really want to play with her more but I can't expect her to be willing to hold my hand through everything, or be able to translate my hesitancy into shyness or insecurity.  

I loved last night and the memory of parts of it will remain in the spank bank for a good long while.  I was able to stay with Sir and the comfort of having him in the same bed and there in the morning was enough to knock the disconnect and insecurity out of me.  I mean, it really was pretty great.  And fortunately both Sir and Giggles are very understanding people and I know I'll probably get another go.  Hopefully anyway.  And most importantly, I'm allowed chocolate today.  So really, I had a threesome last night, spent the night with Sir, and my day will include chocolate.  How could I be anything but happy and content after that?

God bless sex.

Use Me

Use me.  

Seriously, use me.  Throw me around, tell me degrading things, treat me like an object.  Use me to get yourself off and then get me off with the knowledge of what I'm willing to do for you.

If you take care of me afterwards I'll be right there the next time, wanting more.

Sir told me to figure out what it is about giving up control that I like.  It took me a little while and a lot of rambling writing but I think I figured it out.  And a lot of it boils down to what I said above.  Use me.  

When I'm playing I get off on being objectified, used, degraded.  I'm not an equal, I'm reduced to something purely sexual for the pleasure of others.  It's hot.  So why wouldn't I want more of that?  Allowing Sir to have control of my sexual activity as well as elements like eating in a healthier way means that at least once during the day I have to ask him for permission for something.  So at least once a day I'm reverting back into the mind set of someone who isn't in control, who has allowed someone else to have ownership.  Since that gets me off, the more the better.  

There are other things of course.  Sir enjoys the feeling of power and the knowledge of the control that he has over me, and pleasing him is pleasing to me.  I like the feeling I receive when he tells me that I'm a good girl, or I've obeyed well and so the more I have to ask for something and I'm good, the more I'll get the positive responses that make me happy.  

And this is a two way street.  He gets the perks of control and a fucktoy, but with that comes the responsibility to protect me, comfort me and strive to help me.  The knowledge of that alone is a wonderful feeling.  I wouldn't be able to do the rough stuff if he wasn't also gentle and kind.  I wouldn't be able to withstand the degradation if he wasn't complimentary and positive in general.  I can enjoy giving up control because I know that when I do he will pay attention to what I need.  

As with anything there has to be lines and limits.  This dynamic probably can't stray too much into the rest of our lives because of the fact that I need to feel equal in certain aspects.  The other night we were hanging out and he told me to go pour him a drink.  I refused and he put his dom face on, but we weren't playing and in that situation I wasn't his submissive.  As I would with anyone else I figured he could get his own damn drink and after a few minutes of testing on both sides, he did.  Those lines have to stay up or I'd be vulnerable to becoming something akin to a servant with the inability to say "fuck you".  

The fact that we're poly can be difficult as well.  If I'm asking permission for something and he's with another partner he may not respond for hours even though the dessert I'm being offered will be withdrawn within minutes.  When I need him after hard sessions he may not be there for me because of commitments to others, and it can be easy to fall into the trap of every encounter focusing on sex and the dynamic without leaving much time for a proper relationship between equals.

So there it is, probably the most I'll ever be able to articulate why I like giving up control.  And it really does boil down to just - use me.  Throw me around, treat me like an object to get yourself off.  It's what's hardwired into me and whether you're treating me like a toy in the same room or in different cities, the rush of pleasure that it gives me is the same and it's awesome. 

In a couple of days I'll be meeting up with Sir and his casual partner that I had a little adventure with a while back.  I have the feeling I may experience my first girl on girl action, assuming I don't freeze up or make a total ass of myself.  I realize I'm a girl, but that doesn't mean I know what to do on other women.  So we'll see.  I'll let you know what happens though, I may even throw in some dirty details if you're good.  

Goodnight for now :)

Knowing My Place

I went to a psychic yesterday.  I don't generally believe in them but I'd heard some interesting things about this one and thought that it sounded like fun.  I have to say, I was slightly nervous that she'd take one look at me and say something like "oh...  whips and chains eh?" but thankfully that didn't happen.  Maybe that means she's not really psychic.

She told me a lot of different things, some very specific and some more vague and open to interpretation.  At one point she said that I had been resisting something for the past little while, but that there's recently been a shift.  I realize she could say that to anyone and they'd find something that fit but the first thing that occurred to me was my evolving view on my submission.  Just that morning I had been thinking about the fact that I was becoming more comfortable with my submissive side.  I realize a lot of what I write about is second guessing about my choices and desires and I'm sure that will still occur as I explore, but in a general sense I'm just more ok with it.  

I'm a submissive to my Sir and I'm happy that way.  I don't know why.  I enjoy being used and degraded and treated like a toy and as long as I get comfort and care afterwards it's something that will always get me off.  I'm in a situation where there is trust and communication and where nothing I could admit to wanting would be looked down upon.  I never realized how much energy I was putting into fighting myself until I let up.

Last night I went to see Sir and we talked about my experience after the punishment and how we can keep it from happening again.  It was exactly what I needed, and half an hour later I was happily giving him head while he played GTA5.  And I mean it when I say happily.  For what felt like ages I serviced him while he occupied himself with something else and I got off on it.  There was no shame, no fear of judgement, just the pleasure of doing something I enjoy that pleased him in turn.  And I like this new outlook. 

There will still be moments of doubt of course, and I would like to get to a deeper understanding of why I like what I do.  Sir asks me that occasionally and I can never seem to answer past "I don't know".  I'm going to reflect on it and attempt some form of articulation, and it will probably end up on here.  Until then however I'm just going to enjoy the fact that when Sir holds my head down on him and tells me to know my place all I feel is pleasure and lust and none of it is tainted with shame.  Whether she meant to be or not the psychic was right, there has been a shift and my resistance is leaving me.  My place is where he says it is, on my knees or in his arms, and it's the only way I'd want it to be.

Punishment #2 - The Crazy Maker

That was probably the worst experience I've ever had.  In my last post I said that no matter what the punishment was, it would be better than the guilt of having lied.  This was true, but barely.

I don't even know if I want to discuss it all.  Some of the details are painful to me still.  Sir was very hurt by what I'd done and I was treated accordingly.  There was physical pain of course, that bloody studded belt and other forms, but emotional pain as well and all of it was severe.  

As always I'm having a difficult time processing.  I realize that I must sound like I'm incapable of handling this lifestyle or that I've gone deeper than I should have, and that's a possibility.  More likely though I don't yet know what I need during and afterwards to keep my mind stable, and we don't each know what triggers the other person has. 

He told me he loved me, something I never thought I would hear anyone say to me in a romantic sense.  And it was done in one of the most painful, terrible ways possible.  I don't know how to process that either.  On the one hand I've been trying to think about it, to wrap my head around the fact that someone actually feels that way about me.  Part of me doesn't even believe him, because how could anyone love me?  Especially when they know what I really am, my dark desires and my truckload of crazy.  And yet that same sentiment is what he used against me, to make my punishment as severe as his hurt was and so I can't let my mind go there again.  It's like I have to forget it and accept it all at the same time, because doing anything else hurts too much.

He left eventually, as he always has to, and I fell apart.  That's saying something since I hadn't exactly been holding it together to that point.  Some of my night was spent on the floor, some on the couch, most of it sobbing.  I woke up feeling small and alone and desperate to have someone comforting just hold me together since I couldn't do it myself.  He left and continued his day and his weekend and I was a confused and dysfunctional wreck experiencing something almost worse than the punishment its self.  He was in contact but a text can only do so much when you're on the floor in a towel because you're shaking too badly to take a shower.  I feel like part of me broke and I don't know how to fix it.

Should I not be doing this until I have the proper emotional tools to protect myself?  Or do you only gain those by having experiences like this?  How do you look up and make your mind distinguish that it's your Sir punishing you for a massive fuck up and not just the man you love making himself feel better by hurting you?  I normally love bruises and marks but I can't look at these ones with happiness.  They make me sad.  I feel like I'm doing this wrong, that I'm taking it in the wrong way.  Is it normal to be so completely distraught and not even know why?  How am I supposed to fix this in the future if I can't articulate what the problem is in the present?  I don't even know if what I feel is as a sub or as a girlfriend or just as a slightly insane person.

So this was my punishment and it was horrible.  It was probably more than he intended, I would like to think he didn't hope for me to be broken for so long.  I'm better now than I was yesterday and I hope I'll be even better tomorrow.  I'm hoping that the next time I see him, just feeling his arms around me will make me feel safe and protected and secure again.  That experiencing him being gentle with me will balance out the way I feel, bring me back to the middle.

The one thing that I know is that I can't ever endure this again.  I don't intend to screw up like that again, but I'm not naive enough to think that mistakes won't be made.  I have some ideas about what structure or actions might help in the future, but if they don't work I won't know until it's too late.  I just know that it's two days later and I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and no desire to go out and meet the commitments that I have tonight.  This just can't happen again.

Screwing Up

I fucked up.

As I've posted before, a few weeks ago Sir and I established some new rules to explore the idea of control in our relationship.  I wanted to start eating better so one of those rules was that if I ate unhealthily I would have to tell him and there would be a punishment.  Fairly early on I tested it, and was punished.  You all know how hard that was on me.  

About a week later I was away with friends for the weekend. Sir had given me one cheat day which I enjoyed thoroughly, but I allowed it to carry over into the second day which was definitely not permitted.  I don't know why.  I was far from him, permanently tipsy, with my friends and the idea of restricting just didn't seem as tempting as the desire just to have fun with everyone else.  

This in itself would have been bad enough, but then I lied to him about it.  Honesty is incredibly important to Sir, as it is to me and lying is probably the worst thing I could have done.  This entire dynamic is based on trust and he has to trust me that I will tell him the truth when I break a rule.  I'm not sure why I did it.  I was embarrassed that I had screwed up again so quickly.  I was terrified of disappointing him and I was afraid that he would say I wasn't taking it seriously and we were going to stop.  And when we saw each other the night I got back, all I could think was that I wanted to spend a nice night with him and if I told him about it the night would be spent in misery.

The guilt of lying to him has been weighing on me, and tonight it finally came out.  I decided I'd rather face the consequences without a guilty conscious than avoid them with one.  He was understandably angry, to the point where he didn't even want to discuss my punishment until he'd calmed down.  And somehow, I'm totally ok with that. 

Now you know how horrible the last punishment was, I had no idea how badly it would effect me.  This time though, it's different.  I mean, I know that it will be painful and I know that I'll hate it while it's happening, but I'm not dreading it like last time.  I'm almost looking forward to it.  I know that I deserve to be disciplined, both for breaking a rule and for lying about it, and so I will accept it.  Not only do I now have some vague idea of how bad it will be, but nothing he could do will be worse than how I felt about it myself.  

I don't know when it will be, but that's ok.  Having told him has taken a huge weight off my mind and now I will face the consequences of my actions and then it will be over and I won't have to spend any more time thinking about it with guilt.  I never thought that his disappointment would be the worst part.  It could be the bf/gf dynamic, but it's doubtful.  The sub in me is just devastated when I disappoint my Dom, when I make him angry with me.  I'm not used to caring so much what one person thinks, and it's difficult to keep the lines from sub/dom and the rest of the relationship blurring.  

It's done now though.  He knows, I feel better, I will be punished and we will be better for it.  

Ups and Downs

There are times when the emotional side of this lifestyle sucks.  Last night I went to a dungeon party, I saw some very interesting and arousing things, I had amazing sex with Sir and I'm pretty sure I hit a bit of subspace.  And yet with all of that awesomeness, today I feel sad and slightly lost.

It was Sir's first dungeon and my second and we were both a little unsure about how we would respond.  The first time I went it was almost overwhelming and difficult to process, and I didn't think I'd want to do it again.  This time though, was pretty cool.  I knew what to expect and I was able to look at it in a different light.  And the fact that I've experienced a lot more since that first time has made me much more comfortable with and curious about the things that were going on around me.  

There was a spanking scene that I couldn't stop watching.  The girl was able to take it for ages, and watching her reactions completely turned me on.  Sir knew this of course, and when we got home it was my turn.  I'd mentioned lately that I wanted to be able to get to that endorphin rush place where I could take the pain for longer, and trying some new techniques that he'd witnessed at the party, Sir got me right to the brink.  And then stopped.  

The next thing I knew I was on my knees sucking cock and I was literally squirming with arousal and the desire to have him continue.  I had only just started to feel the shift in my body, the change of sensation.  I knew that if he kept going I'd be able to continue that feeling, and so I asked for more.  

Now I'm just going to stop you there because you probably don't understand the gravity of what I just said, so I'll say it again.  I ASKED for more.  When it comes to sex, I don't ask for anything.  Verbalizing my desires is incredibly difficult, my mouth opens and my lips move but sounds never come out.  I don't know if it's because I'd just spent a few hours in an environment where it was ok to like to be abused, or if I just wanted to get to that feeling so badly, but either way I asked for more and I got it.

By the end I was floating.  The pain started to lessen and become easier to handle, it felt almost good at times.  He would ask me questions and I couldn't answer properly, he would say things that I wouldn't hear the first time.  When he stopped I was just writhing and I kept wanting more and more.

Afterwards it took me awhile to talk and even longer to get my head in the right place.  I don't know if you want to call it subspace, endorphins, adrenaline or just exhaustion, but it's only the second time I've felt that way and I clearly don't know what I need to deal with it yet.  I tend to need a lot of physical contact and cuddling after sessions and Sir is very good about giving that to me for as long as I need.  At the moment though, for reasons unrelated to any of this stuff, there is always a point where he has to leave.  Sometimes that's harder than others and last night was one of those times.  I went to bed with my arms wrapped around myself wanting comfort and I woke up feeling lost and alone.  

I'm feeling better now, even better than when I started writing this.  Since then I've connected with Sir, I've had a little chocolate (I won the ability to have some by picking out the right shot at dinner) and I've had some comfort cuddling with my stuffed fish.  I know that people experience sub drop, I don't know if that applies to me in this situation or if it's just the normal transition of coping with new experiences and feelings, but I suppose it's the price I pay for letting myself go to such emotional extremes.  

All in all though, it was a great night.  There were a couple of moments that I don't even want to share here because they feel just a bit too private, and I know that despite the negative feelings that I had it was still worth it.  I'm lucky to have met someone who I can share this part of my life with and who can explore with me without judgement.  There will still be rocky moments and unexpected reactions but it's not like I can stop.  Just like last night I find myself craving more and more and more.   

Now it's time for some popcorn and a really girly movie to get me back on track.