Being the Non Pleasant Me

There are a few things in life I'm not good at.  

1) Tying cherry stems with my tongue

2) Directions

3) Hiding anger

4) Uncomfortable social situations (especially when involved with #3)

I have a weird thing about meeting one of Sirs partners.  She's someone he cares about very much but I've always had this odd feeling about spending time with her.  It could be because they had broken up before Sir and I started dating and got back together a few months ago.  I heard a lot about her, good and bad before I'd met her.  It could be because of my feelings regarding my relationship with Sir and some weird connection with that.  It could just be one of those things.  It probably didn't help that when I finally met her for the first time they were drunk and I was tired and unimpressed by the way it came about.

So meeting her again tonight, in her home with her roommate, Sir and Sirs wife was for me an awkward social situation.  I'm still not totally comfortable with it.  Not her necessarily, she's very nice and actually pretty funny.  I like the way her and Sir interact.  Never the less there's something forced, or uncomfortable about these moments for me.  

Add to that the fact that I was angry.  I'm a very relaxed, chill person and I don't tend to anger quickly.  I mean, I swear in the car at stupid drivers and I threaten the computer with a smack now and then, but in general I'm pretty even.  There has been a lot going on in the past few weeks and because of that a lot of my time and needs have been placed on the back burner.  The reasons are legit and I understand that it's both necessary and temporary.  I love Sir and I have total faith that he'll make it up to me.  Tonight however, the lack of respect for my time and needs was shown by someone else and it absolutely tipped me.  

We're not talking anything big.  If I were the Godfather I wouldn't be sticking a horse's head into anyone's bed as a warning.  Tonight we're talking something as simple as a lack of communication that resulted in a waste to almost my entire evening.  Two things about that drove me up the wall.  One was that it wasn't that they were incapable of supplying necessary information, it's that they didn't bother despite my queries and that to me shows a lack of consideration. The other was that all of the re-scheduling and rushing around was fine with me because it was for something that was for Sir, and it was important to me to be there for him if I could.  After everything though, it really didn't seem to matter as there was barely any time spent together.  

When I'm angry I don't tend to scream or shout, I get very quiet and all I want to do is go someplace calm and let my emotions sort themselves out.  Instead, I went to awkward social situation mentioned above.  Normally that alone would be tiring enough for my inner introvert, but to be there while having to act like I'm not mad?  Pretty much impossible, especially since I can't hide crap when it comes to my emotions.

So there I am, not speaking because I'm unsure of what to say and not speaking because I'm angry.  Sitting off to the side because I'm not comfortable enough to relax and sitting to the side because I'm angry.  Not accepting any food or drink because I want to limit possible awkward interaction, and because I'm angry.  Get the picture?  I mean, god knows if I would have acted any differently if I'd been in a super happy mood.  I probably would have been the same quiet, standoffish personality because that's really just who I am.  I'm not super friendly, I'm not outgoing and easy to talk to.  If I don't hit it off with you right away, it's going to take me awhile to decide how I feel about you.  I like to watch and listen because normally I don't feel comfortable joining in.  (Obviously none of this applies with my good friends).  

On top of all this, I knew that I was being inhospitable at something that should have been fun and relaxed for Sir.  This of course makes me think I should be trying harder which makes me feel more pressure which makes me clam up even tighter.  From what he said afterwards I assume my behaviour was mentioned when I left and part of me doesn't care.  They can think what they want of me, Sir knows me and can form his own opinion and our relationship is the only one I care about.  On the other hand, Sir cares what we think about each other and I think he was disappointed in me.  Which again, makes me feel both guilty and sad because I want him to be happy with me, and angry because I feel justified in my anger and needed to have that acknowledged.  Not just 'don't be angry next time'.  And yet this day wasn't supposed to be about me at all.

Maybe the stresses of the last few weeks are getting to me more than I thought.  Maybe I need to be more careful about when I meet certain people and in what environments.  Maybe it was just a weird day for everyone.  I can't apologize for the way I react and the way I behave, when I'm angry I'm angry and when I'm awkward I'm awkward.  It's who I am.  I don't have the finesse of people who can fake it, I feel like that's not genuine.  I may be pissed at you, but at least you know it.  

It's time for bed.  To anyone going to bed in any mood other than happy, I wish you all the cure of a good nights sleep.  As always, things will be better in the morning.

When I don't like poly

On the whole, I enjoy poly a whole bunch.  There are a lot of qualities about it that appeal to me and overall I've had an enjoyable and fulfilling experience with the people I've met.  That said, sometimes it sucks.  

I love Sir.  He is a very important part of my life and I like the person I have become since I met him.  When we're together, it's wonderful.  Most of the time when we're not together, it's pretty good too.  Every now and then though I want time from him that he can't give me.  In these moments, it becomes less fun.  

Tuesday was a very difficult day for me, both physically and emotionally.  I was in pain, extremely stressed and having a bit of an emotional breakdown.  I wanted to be comforted by the man who protects and guides me, but it wasn't a possibility and I realized that and accepted it.  We texted a bit and I vented, and got over it with the help of a friend.  The next day I was in an extremely submissive mood, probably contributed to from my emotional experience the night before.  All I wanted in the world was to be around my Sir, to feel safe and comforted, to feel our dynamic.  Again, it wasn't possible.  I worked late and he was with one of his other partners.  It was an option for me to be able to get out of work early, it wasn't an option for him to leave the person he was with.  Again, I accepted that and distracted myself, and the feeling eventually passed.

Today was worse than either.  There were no emotional breakdowns, no pain, no extreme submissive cravings.  I just missed him.  Sometimes, you just miss the person you love.  And I know that no matter how much I miss him, how much I want to have a day with him, I have to wait for our scheduled time.  And that, my friends, sucks.  

Don't get me wrong, most of the time this is fine.  Sometimes I don't see him as much as I would like to, but that's the nature of this type of relationship.  I get it and I work very hard to not be needy, demanding or unreasonable.  Every now and then though, I want him and when I can't have him it hurts.  By the end of today, I was angry at the entire situation.  I wanted attention that it wasn't fair of me to ask for and I became frustrated and sullen.  I ate chocolate and treats that I wasn't allowed, I was grumpy with some of my friends.  I took a bad situation and made it worse, because now not only do I have to wait until Sunday to see him (and the missing him won't go away) but I'll have to deal with the consequences of my stupidity instead of us spending quality time together. 

All in all, not my best day.

What do you do when you need someone who can't be there for you?  How do poly people allow themselves to become so emotionally involved and then harden up in the moments that they have to?  Is it just because of the relationship that I feel this way or is part of it a subs emotions for her Sir?  Is it normal?  Is it reasonable?

Sometimes I feel like I've finally gotten the hang of things, that when it comes to poly and kink and relationships I'm in control.  Then something will happen to make me realize how much of a newbie I am and how much I have to learn.  I suppose this is how it happens though, negative feelings arise and you work on dealing with them in the hope that the next time it's a little bit better.  In the long run, I know all will be well.

For the moment though, learning curves suck.

Paddles and Floggers and Canes, Oh My!

Oh how I love trying new things, especially when they're done to me by fun, sexy people.

On Tuesday we met up with Giggles (Sir's FWB).  I had told Sir the last time that in these situations I was going to need direction.  I may want to do naughty things with another woman, but if they leave it to me to take the initiative or ask for something, it'll never happen.  If I'm told to do something or to let someone do something to me, it's a different story entirely.  He mentioned it to Giggles that he wanted her to top me as well, and it ended up with me on all fours on the bed while she used me to show him how to use different implements.  Well, it was for me too.  :) 

There were two canes, a rubber flogger, a plastic paddle, a wooden paddle like thing and a heavy bar wrapped in something soft.  (I have no idea what the proper names are).  She started out slowly and got progressively harder, as you do.  It was awesome.  At first I was just giggling at the situation, and then I was laughing in response to hard hits.  Eventually I was kind of off in my own little world, just taking it all in.  

I liked the difference in sensations.  The rebar was thuddy and I felt it in the muscle as opposed to the skin, I kept likening it to a meat tenderizer.  Deep pain, especially when she hit on the bone.  The canes were sharp and I only felt it on the tips.  It was sharp and stingy, it felt like I was being shocked.  The paddle (at least I think it was the paddle... I couldn't exactly see) was really interesting.  The pain came from the edges of the paddle, but it was a different kind of stingy and the thud from the bulk of it kind of evened everything out.  Of course this was when she was hitting a bit harder, at the beginning it all just felt like a really unique massage.

It was so great.  Sir was right there and I had the comfort of his hand on mine the whole time to grip when I needed to.  There was something very arousing about him watching me experience pain from someone else.  I know he likes to see me writhing and squirming when I'm hit hard and I had the bizarre experience of wanting to take a lot and make him proud of me, and wanting to give the sadist in him the satisfaction of being hurt at his order.  We didn't get too intense, she just gave me a taste of all of them and then we moved on to the sex part so that Sir could be included.  I want more.  Just that taste had me feeling relaxed and a little floaty, and I know I could have taken more.  Maybe one of these days I'll be brave enough to ask her if she would play with me, but we'll see.  Most likely I'll stay slightly chicken.

And really, at this point I don't know if I'll ever really play with her the way I'm curious about.  I can't bring myself to even touch her unless I'm pushed up against her by Sir, and it's not from a lack of desire or curiosity.  I've become a much more confident and openly sexual person in the last while, but initiation is still not one of my strong points.  

Still though, the whole night was brilliant.  The hottest point hands down, was when Sir was fucking me from behind.  She asked him if she could play with my nipples and he gave her permission.  Did you read that properly?  She asked him for permission about my body and he granted it.  No one asked me, it didn't matter what I wanted because it's Sir's body and he can allow people to do what they wish with it.  To hear and feel it verbalized in that way was an indescribable turn on and it's still one of the main things running through my head during the day.  

Maybe it's because of that or maybe it's just the mood I'm in, but today I'm feeling extremely submissive.  I want nothing more than to have Sir here and to obey him.  He could tell me to kneel in the corner while he watches tv and I would do it happily.  He could have me make him food or get him drinks and I would, I would be content just to sit at his feet.  

These aren't normal feelings for me.  I'm submissive of course, but the idea of cooking for him or curling up at his feet aren't things that normally do it for me.  Usually I would be inclined to point him to the fridge or demand space on the couch.  Today though, I don't know.  I had an extremely emotional day yesterday so maybe I just miss him and want to be close to him.  Or maybe I'm craving that feeling of complete surrender that I had the other day.  I don't know why, but today I don't want my boyfriend as much as I want my Sir.  

God I love my kinky life.

Being Brave

Have you ever had that bizarre feeling of being around your friends only minutes after being shoved into a floor, hit until you cried, fucked in the ass and had cum all over your face, and knowing that they don't have the slightest clue?

Kinky people : we walk among you.

My sexual preferences have always been a secret from my friends and family.  When I was young I used to have Ken strip the Barbies and tie them to chairs.  I had no idea why such a thing even occurred to me to do, never mind why I liked it.  At that age there was no sexuality connected to it, it was just something that I wanted to look at.  And even though I didn't know what it was I was doing, I knew it was wrong.  I only ever did it in secret, but obviously not secretly enough.  One day I overheard my younger sister telling my older cousins about it, and their responses of 'that's weird' and 'she shouldn't do that' confirmed in me what I had already kind of known.  That strange feeling that I got, either from the dolls or from kidnapping scenes on tv, it was wrong and abnormal and something that I had to hide.

Fast forward to now, and I'm still hiding.  Have you ever had anyone who knows you inside and out, who knows everything about you?  I almost have those people.  My friends know everything about me, except this one little detail.  A few years ago, this wasn't such a big deal since it was all in my head and never acted upon.  Now though, kink is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life.  I'm going to events, I'm meeting similar people, and it's a huge component in my relationship.  I have to lie about bruises, where I'm going, and who I'm sleeping with.  They can't fully understand my relationship with Sir because they have no concept of the dynamic.  

I realize this is self imposed, but the way I tried to explain it the other day is that they know me as a certain person.  They've grown up knowing me as this one personality and if I were to tell them about this other aspect of my life, it would always be in the back of their minds.  I wouldn't be 'the friend' I would be 'the friend who likes kink'.  I'm already 'the friend who dates married dudes', I don't think I could handle another on my list.  And try explaining to someone that you really like it when your boyfriend hits you until you cry.  They love me and will always accept me but they wouldn't quite get it.  And not only would they look at me differently, but they would look at Sir as the man who hurts me, and I don't want that either.  

On the other hand, it hurts a little bit to have to hide who I am.  I feel like no matter how close we are, my friends and family will never completely know me because there will always be a part missing, and that's not a nice feeling.  At this point Sir probably knows me better than anyone ever has, just because he has access to this part as well as everything else.  And I like that feeling. 

I'm getting to a point where my kink interests are becoming a daily part of who I am and I realize that it's only going to get harder and harder to hide.  So I'm trying to be brave about things.  Many months ago I told one of my oldest, closest and most open minded friends about my introduction to kink, and she was completely understanding.  Yesterday I told one of my best (but much more likely to judge) friends, and all he did was say "I get it".  We were shopping for beds and he just kept insisting that I go for the sturdier frames because of my sex life.  It was fun and funny and amazingly open.  

So I think I'm going to be brave again.  It might be another few months before I tell anyone else, or I may start slipping hints into conversations, I don't know.  They don't need to know the details, but it would be great to be able to say that I'm going to a 'kinky party' instead of just 'out', or make a joke about my bruises instead of a lie.  It's insane how much I feel I've grown lately, how much my mindset has changed.  I'm realizing that the person I want to be and the person I am can co-exist, it doesn't have to be one or the other.  It's amazing.  So if anyone is reading this and feels unsure or scared about something, I highly recommend being brave.  So far it's doing wonders for me.

The Almost Orgasm

I can still remember my first orgasm.  I had only just discovered how nice it felt when my fingers rubbed against specific spots (I had no idea what a clit was) and so I would come home from school, enjoy the sensation for a bit and then go about my day.  One day it occurred to me not to stop, that there was something building and so I kept going and going until... well, you know.  How does someone even describe their first orgasm?  That incredible, overwhelming, full body pleasure that comes out of nowhere and leaves you shuddering and gasping.  You're not prepared for it, you couldn't ever have imagined it but from the first it's addictive.  I'm not going to say how much time I spent in my room after that.

I didn't date during high school, or for the first half of my 20s.  I didn't flirt, I didn't get drunk at parties, I didn't have boys hit on me.  There was no kissing, no fooling around, I didn't know how to talk to them or interact with them and I was convinced that they had absolutely no interest in me.  This was frustrating not only because everyone wants someone to like them, but because I was in fact a hugely sexual person and had no way to satisfy it.  The internet allowed me to discover sex and porn and stories, it opened my mind to new possibilities and gave me names for the kinks that I had always known I liked.  I came at least once a day, usually more, and in that manner I got through the majority of my teenage years and 20s.  Orgasms were easy and efficient and I even thought that I was going to be one of those girls who could cum just at a touch.  And then, you know, reality.

The first guy I started dating was the perfect start for me.  Just a tiny bit rough, just a tiny bit kinky, and very happy to spend the afternoon going down on me.  He thought he was giving me great orgasms, and I realized that I was very good at faking it.  It wasn't that I didn't want to cum, I just couldn't seem to get there.  He was good at what he was doing, it felt amazing and I would get so close, but in the end it just never happened for me.  By the time we stopped dating a couple of months later I had resigned myself to two things; I couldn't fake orgasms if I ever hoped to have one, and that it was probably not something I would ever get from a guy.  My casual partners after that made little or no effort to get me off, and those that did quickly gave up when it wasn't happening right away.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Are you ok?" or "what's wrong?" indicating that my inability to cum right away was unusual, wrong, and meant something was off.  

If you're a girl and reading this, you might understand.  If you're a guy, you probably cum quite consistently and there may be no way to describe to you how this feels.  Everyone says that orgasms aren't the point of sex and I agree, to a point.  It's an easy thing to say though when you're getting off each time.  For the other person, it's ok once or twice but after that it becomes emotional.  There's confusion as to why you can't go over the edge, frustration at being so turned on but with no release, anger at your partner that they always get to have that blissful moment while you're laying there horny as hell, and even guilt that they're trying so hard and you can't give them the satisfaction of getting you off..  For the longest time I thought I was broken, it wasn't uncommon for me to cry after sex and usually without the knowledge of my partner.  With Sir I became almost angry if he tried to do anything pleasurable to me because I knew that I would only end up disappointed in the end.

I, like many women, didn't know how common my problem was.  Without even realizing it, we get this message that all women cum easily all the time.  The girls in porn do it.  The girls in stories and tv do it.  I know girls who talk about cumming several times a night with their partners.  If you can't cum like them, then there must be something wrong with you.  I have a friend who felt that she was weird because she couldn't cum just from penetration.  How fucked up is that?  She has a great sex life and plenty of wonderful orgasms, but because she wasn't responding in one area the way that she thought women are supposed to respond, she thought there was something wrong with her.  And it wasn't that she had some weird sense of what was normal, it's because that's what we're programmed to think.  

After about three months I was finally able to orgasm with Sir.  Maybe I was more relaxed around him, maybe I trusted him more, maybe he was better acquainted with my body.  Most likely I'm learning how to let myself get to that point.  It still doesn't happen all of the time, I have to be in the right head space and willing to be vulnerable for awhile.  The other night after the party I knew within two minutes of him trying that I wasn't going to be able to.  My brain was all over the place and I couldn't form the fantasies that usually get me to where I have to be.  It's still upsetting when that happens, and even more now that our dynamic has become what it has.  I feel as though I'm disappointing him, or disobeying when I can't follow through on his order even though I know that he understands.  

And so I say, to all those who enjoy their many orgasms with other people, don't take it for granted.  There are those of us who would kill to be able to feel that release and bliss on a regular basis, and who feel pretty bad when they can't.  It's an ongoing struggle for me and when it happens I'm elated and proud of myself.  When was the last time you were proud of yourself for cumming?  The good news though is that it can only get better from here, I'm unlikely to go backwards in my ability to get there.  In a couple of years, who knows?  I could be multi-orgasmic, set off by a cool breeze!  Until then I'll just have to put my head down and practice.  It'll be tough, I know, but I'm willing to try, even if it is at the expense of Sirs hand.

Little One

There are so many things I want to talk about sometimes.  I want to talk about the fact that I can be insanely turned on and unable to cum.  I want to talk about what it felt like to have my hands tied and Sir choking me up against a wall.  I want to discuss what it's like to not be able to share a huge part of who you are with the people around you.  

All three are subjects that came out of my weekend.  I suppose I should start with the fact that Sir and I went to another dungeon party.  I find it almost humorous that this has become something I find normal.  By the time we got home we were both tipsy and horny and fully aware that we hadn't had sex in over a week, so we barely made it in the door before the fun started. 

It was great.  We had discussed at an earlier point about how much I love struggling, being tied or restrained, and how one of the major things for me was to feel helpless.  I knew I was in for it when he was tying my hands with a scarf and he said "so you want to feel helpless..."  A few minutes later I was backed into a wall with a hand on my throat and no way to tap out.  Even just thinking about it makes me want to squirm.  It's really intense to be unable to defend yourself in any way when faced with someone who could really hurt you if they wanted.  It's also really hot, and it makes me realize how much I trust him.  And best of all, it makes me feel small.

I'm not a small girl, I'm tall and curvy and I have always felt it around other people.  I look at petite, 5'2 girls sometimes and think of how wonderful it must be to always be looking up at the men around them, always physically aware of how much smaller and weaker they are.  It's why I love tall men with dust pan sized hands, it's why I like feeling their strength against mine.  It proves to me that no matter how on par I feel I'm actually at their mercy.  It's about that feeling that makes me want to curl up next to him, that makes me docile and content.  I always thought it was the roughness, the brute force that would get me there but I'm realizing how it's really the little things that get into my head.  

I was face first against a wall and Sir was pressed in behind me, calmly asking me questions while I was trying to get my bearings.  I could feel the intimidation of his presence and was extremely aware of the fact that I was breathing heavily while he was calm and steady.  There was no violence, no harsh words.  He was barely even touching me and yet I felt small and submissive and extremely turned on.  It was the same feeling I had when he was tying my hands, I went and got the scarf for him, kneeled down and gave him my wrists without question like a good girl.  Later he had me kneel on the floor next to him while he rested and all I wanted to do was bury my head against his leg, feeling nothing but pliable and happy and just wanting to be close to him.  

I think I overlook the details sometimes, the nuances.  I get so caught up in the large physical side of everything that the subtle parts can escape me, and yet those are the moments I think about later.  Those are the ones that really drive home the fact that he's in control.  When I'm screaming and squirming and he holds me down by my hair he's physically in command, no question, but when his voice is soft and his motions are slow and firm, that's when I feel it the most.  That's when my body realizes that I'm putty in his hands and have no desire to fight back.  I think those moments are when I really realize how submissive I am.

It's astounding to me still that after a night full of big topics and crazy events the one thing I focus on is something so small.  I will end up talking about the orgasms and my vanilla life.  I'll talk about actually trying to fight back and what that feels like.   For now though I'm tired and my brain is full of naughty things that I want to process.  I'll write the rest later but for now I'm going to go to sleep thinking of the chill that ran through me when he called me "little one"

Night