I'm finding that I can't sleep. I have slept, I've slept for about four hours but I'm now wide awake with another five hours to go before my alarm. I haven't gotten used to sharing a bed yet, every toss and turn, every movement wakes me up and this is becoming the result. It doesn't help that I went to bed so early, I know, but I was tired and quite honestly didn't know what else to do.
Last night Sir and I were supposed to have a scene. We'd discussed it a few days ago, it's been awhile since we've gone to the kink side of things and I think we both needed it. His head isn't in the best of places right now though, so we were both wary of going very hard and looked for an alternative option. (Funnily enough, we touched on a bit of our old roughness monday night and I had a meltdown, so apparently my mental state is a bit sensitive as well). We'd talked briefly in the past about trying a more slave/master approach, just a day here or there when our dynamic would take on a more service role and get more into the degredation/humiliation that I'm curious about. I suggested that maybe we have a few hours of something along this vein and he reacted very positively, so it was set.
We've texted a little bit about it over the last couple of days, him telling me a few ideas that he has (ie: dog collar and leash, crawling instead of walking, ect) and I was getting pretty excited. Ashamed of that excitement to be treated in such a way, but excited none the less. Buildup people.
Yesterday came and he picked me up from work. We had to run a couple of errands during which I was informed of the rule that at home I'd have to refer to him as Sir for everything, and that was it. By the time we got back I was nervous and spent the first few minutes trying to be totally normal and waiting for it to start. It never really did.
This is something new for both of us, and something outside of his realm of experience. He says he's very interested in it and wants to try it as much for his own pleasure as mine, but he became overwhelmed. In his mind, treating me as anything but normal and respectful requires some type of aggression or negative connotation, and as I'm being pretty awesome about things at the moment he finds it too hard to get to that mental place. This, of course, is the first issue. Nothing that we do should ever come from anger. The physical side of our sex life, the rough stuff, of course that has to have some aggressive intent behind it but the mental side should be the opposite. This is a hurdle that he'll have to overcome.
And so we sat and talked and neither of us really seemed to know what to do with ourselves. I was disappointed, and embarrassed at how disappointed I was at not being treated so badly. I've accepted myself in many ways but I'm still struggling with this aspect. Somehow hearing that he wasn't ready to go all in on this kind of thing made me feel ashamed that I was. Eventually I suggested baby steps and for the rest of the night I had to sit on the floor at his feet and call him Sir, get him anything he wanted and ask permission to do things that required me to leave that spot. At times, it felt nice and comfortable. Mostly though, I just felt tired, ashamed and unsure of the situation. I'm a sub and I didn't feel as though my Dom was sure of himself in what he was doing and so I didn't really know what to do with myself. And that's a horrible burden to place on someone else, that they have to be 100% sure of everything they're doing for the experience to work on me.
I love that we're exploring things together. I love that if we continue down this path and we enjoy it, we'll have another side of our dynamic to work with and grow in. I realize there will be bumps and last night was the first one, which is fine. We both discovered our own little hangups, his is how he approaches our dynamic and mine is getting over the shame of it. Again.
I'm going to try to go back to bed, Sir is awake and hopefully some snuggling will lull me back into a bit of a sleep. Goodnight y'all.
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