Little One

There are so many things I want to talk about sometimes.  I want to talk about the fact that I can be insanely turned on and unable to cum.  I want to talk about what it felt like to have my hands tied and Sir choking me up against a wall.  I want to discuss what it's like to not be able to share a huge part of who you are with the people around you.  

All three are subjects that came out of my weekend.  I suppose I should start with the fact that Sir and I went to another dungeon party.  I find it almost humorous that this has become something I find normal.  By the time we got home we were both tipsy and horny and fully aware that we hadn't had sex in over a week, so we barely made it in the door before the fun started. 

It was great.  We had discussed at an earlier point about how much I love struggling, being tied or restrained, and how one of the major things for me was to feel helpless.  I knew I was in for it when he was tying my hands with a scarf and he said "so you want to feel helpless..."  A few minutes later I was backed into a wall with a hand on my throat and no way to tap out.  Even just thinking about it makes me want to squirm.  It's really intense to be unable to defend yourself in any way when faced with someone who could really hurt you if they wanted.  It's also really hot, and it makes me realize how much I trust him.  And best of all, it makes me feel small.

I'm not a small girl, I'm tall and curvy and I have always felt it around other people.  I look at petite, 5'2 girls sometimes and think of how wonderful it must be to always be looking up at the men around them, always physically aware of how much smaller and weaker they are.  It's why I love tall men with dust pan sized hands, it's why I like feeling their strength against mine.  It proves to me that no matter how on par I feel I'm actually at their mercy.  It's about that feeling that makes me want to curl up next to him, that makes me docile and content.  I always thought it was the roughness, the brute force that would get me there but I'm realizing how it's really the little things that get into my head.  

I was face first against a wall and Sir was pressed in behind me, calmly asking me questions while I was trying to get my bearings.  I could feel the intimidation of his presence and was extremely aware of the fact that I was breathing heavily while he was calm and steady.  There was no violence, no harsh words.  He was barely even touching me and yet I felt small and submissive and extremely turned on.  It was the same feeling I had when he was tying my hands, I went and got the scarf for him, kneeled down and gave him my wrists without question like a good girl.  Later he had me kneel on the floor next to him while he rested and all I wanted to do was bury my head against his leg, feeling nothing but pliable and happy and just wanting to be close to him.  

I think I overlook the details sometimes, the nuances.  I get so caught up in the large physical side of everything that the subtle parts can escape me, and yet those are the moments I think about later.  Those are the ones that really drive home the fact that he's in control.  When I'm screaming and squirming and he holds me down by my hair he's physically in command, no question, but when his voice is soft and his motions are slow and firm, that's when I feel it the most.  That's when my body realizes that I'm putty in his hands and have no desire to fight back.  I think those moments are when I really realize how submissive I am.

It's astounding to me still that after a night full of big topics and crazy events the one thing I focus on is something so small.  I will end up talking about the orgasms and my vanilla life.  I'll talk about actually trying to fight back and what that feels like.   For now though I'm tired and my brain is full of naughty things that I want to process.  I'll write the rest later but for now I'm going to go to sleep thinking of the chill that ran through me when he called me "little one"

Night