Ok so I suck at this blogging thing recently. What can I say but I'm sorry. Once again, life has just taken over. Plus I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks and it's effecting my desire and ability to do anything when I get home from work. Also, the xbox is up and running...
Enough excuses however. As promised, there are several things I want to talk about. I did my first taste of public playing the other day, followed by an evening of being topped first by Giggles, and then both Giggles and Sir. I can now officially say I've had sex with a girl :)
Before that though, there's the matter of humiliation play that I've been discovering and really want to discuss. Before that though, (or maybe as a part of that) there's the deeper dynamic that Sir and I are realizing we're going to reach and all of the things that come along with it (possible 24/7ish. Emphasis on the 'ish') . Before that though, is the big change we've been dealing with lately, which is the addition of sexual and dating partners to my life. This is where we must start, and I promise promise promise that those other topics will be discussed shortly.
So just over a month ago, I went out on a date with OB (the Other Boy). Now I haven't done a lot of dating in my lifetime, but even I'm aware that it was a pretty awesome date. I thought he was cute right off the bat, the conversation went really well over dinner, the drinks afterwards were fun and there was a great chemistry. We had a lot in common on a platonic level and now that I'm a much braver person I was able to find out that we have a lot in common on a sexual/kink level. I even managed to tell him about the dynamic that Sir and I have and he was interested and understanding.
So of course, I wanted to go out with him again and I did. And we went out again. And again. And what can I say except that the universe can sometimes have really crappy timing. Just over a month ago, Sir was seriously contemplating his relationship with his wife and decided to end things. He moved in with me and what ensued were some of the more stressful weeks of my life. Over those few weeks I continued to date OB and Sir tried to wade through the horribleness that is a breakup. Two, actually, as his other partner decided that this was too much drama for her and broke up with him. I find that ironic, but I have to be good and not speak my mind on that one.
This is the first time I feel like I've truly embraced poly and explored it the way it should be explored. One partner who I love and with whom I feel safe and secure, and another person to go out with and have fun without it being just about the sex. It's just unfortunate that this happened as Sir was feeling especially alone and vulnerable. As you can imagine, seeing me go off and enjoy the company of another man while he's dealing with the loss of two partners was not pleasant for him. It caused a lot of problems. On the one hand, I understood what he was feeling and how frustrating it must have been for him. On the other, I was already turning my world upside down to try and support him through this and I refused to go down the road of making my life events conditional on how his other relationships were going. Does that sound horrible? Sometimes I second guessed myself. Sometimes I wanted to just stop seeing OB and be there for my Sir and not be a bad girlfriend. In the end though, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go to the place where I was allowing my happiness to be dependent on his. What if it took him months to get over them? What if in three months we're both seeing people and his life gets thrown about some more? Am I expected to drop everything to be there if he needs me?
And again, don't get me wrong, I was there for him. Lets face it though, people going through divorces are not the most pleasant of company. And I was stressed about the fact that there was suddenly another person and two more animals in my space and in my life. I was dealing with the change in environment, behaviour, and expectations. To be able to get out of the house and spend time with someone who was focused purely on me and on making me happy was comforting and necessary. Without the break from the doom and gloom, I wouldn't have been able to keep myself afloat. I had to be there for him, but there wasn't anyone there for me and so I had to take care of myself. For me, part of that was being reminded of all of the good things about myself and what it can be like with someone when everything is hunky dorey.
So there we are, me wanting to feel attention and care free and Sir feeling depressed, insecure and angry. And if this wasn't enough (because things just aren't ever simple anymore) we were being forced to examine our dynamic and what it really meant. He is, after all, my Sir and he has complete control over my body and what I do with it. This had never been a problem, until I wanted to start doing things with it that he wasn't happy with. Lets face it, you meet a cute guy, there's chemistry and attraction and after a couple of dates you want to have sex. It's biological and it's me and I really wanted to fuck. Sir said no. He didn't know this guy that I was seeing, and he didn't know what OB's expectations were. I'm his property and his sub, and he doesn't want to see me misused or hurt by anyone and he wasn't about to let someone else have access to me until he knew where things were going. I didn't take that very well.
We had made an agreement on the day that I agreed to allow him this control over me, that once I formed a relationship with someone his rights of ownership would no longer apply to that situation. How can you date someone if every time you start to get handsy, you have to stop and call your dom to check that it's ok? It doesn't work. And so here we were trying to figure out the balance of my rights vs his, all on top of the emotional whirlwind we were enduring that made everything fuzzy.
So, there were fights. Eventually we managed to come to some idea of what my submission and his dominance actually meant, and he allowed me to have sex with this fun new partner.
The irony is, I think I'm losing interest in OB now. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't have the same buzz about him that I used to. Maybe it was just the novelty of fun dating that I liked. Maybe it was just that this person was offering me compliments and attention when I really really needed them. Maybe he's just turned out to be a bit too much of a nice guy. And maybe (and I have a sneaking suspicion this one is a bit closer to the truth) maybe I insisted on dating him as often as I did on principle, because I wanted to prove to both Sir and myself that I was not going to end up the type of girl that just gave in whenever her boyfriend wanted something. I can't stress enough to you how important to me that is, especially now that I see how much of my control I may be giving up in the future. I have to prove to myself that when I know I'm right and when I'm looking out for my own best interests, I'll stay strong. I won't just cave because the sub in me wants to. When it comes to doing whats best for me, I need to know that I won't just curl up and roll over.
But who knows. At the moment, I'm on the fence. There is definite sexual chemistry and he genuinely is a really nice guy who really likes me, so I'm going to give it a couple of more dates to see how I feel. Either way, Sir and I have come to an agreement that for the next month neither of us will date anyone in a serious manner. Our relationship is evolving, and after so many weeks of negativity we need to spend some time working on just us and figuring out who we are together and where we want to go.
So there you have it, the tale of the OB. Or, 'why you shouldn't have everything new in your relationship happen at once'. The only good that I can say about it all is that getting through it only make Sir and I more solid. I have to say (I'm really sorry for the cheese that's about to follow) that I love him in a way I didn't think I was capable of. I love him more now than I did when I first said that I loved him, and I love him more now than I did when he moved in. So it can't all be that bad, if this is the result.
Tune in next time and you can hear me talk about why I'm contemplating a type of full on d/s dynamic that I swore I'd never do. Also I'll try to explain why I like it when I'm put on a leash and called a filthy whore.
My mother would be so proud.
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