Kinky people : we walk among you.
My sexual preferences have always been a secret from my friends and family. When I was young I used to have Ken strip the Barbies and tie them to chairs. I had no idea why such a thing even occurred to me to do, never mind why I liked it. At that age there was no sexuality connected to it, it was just something that I wanted to look at. And even though I didn't know what it was I was doing, I knew it was wrong. I only ever did it in secret, but obviously not secretly enough. One day I overheard my younger sister telling my older cousins about it, and their responses of 'that's weird' and 'she shouldn't do that' confirmed in me what I had already kind of known. That strange feeling that I got, either from the dolls or from kidnapping scenes on tv, it was wrong and abnormal and something that I had to hide.
Fast forward to now, and I'm still hiding. Have you ever had anyone who knows you inside and out, who knows everything about you? I almost have those people. My friends know everything about me, except this one little detail. A few years ago, this wasn't such a big deal since it was all in my head and never acted upon. Now though, kink is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life. I'm going to events, I'm meeting similar people, and it's a huge component in my relationship. I have to lie about bruises, where I'm going, and who I'm sleeping with. They can't fully understand my relationship with Sir because they have no concept of the dynamic.
I realize this is self imposed, but the way I tried to explain it the other day is that they know me as a certain person. They've grown up knowing me as this one personality and if I were to tell them about this other aspect of my life, it would always be in the back of their minds. I wouldn't be 'the friend' I would be 'the friend who likes kink'. I'm already 'the friend who dates married dudes', I don't think I could handle another on my list. And try explaining to someone that you really like it when your boyfriend hits you until you cry. They love me and will always accept me but they wouldn't quite get it. And not only would they look at me differently, but they would look at Sir as the man who hurts me, and I don't want that either.
On the other hand, it hurts a little bit to have to hide who I am. I feel like no matter how close we are, my friends and family will never completely know me because there will always be a part missing, and that's not a nice feeling. At this point Sir probably knows me better than anyone ever has, just because he has access to this part as well as everything else. And I like that feeling.
I'm getting to a point where my kink interests are becoming a daily part of who I am and I realize that it's only going to get harder and harder to hide. So I'm trying to be brave about things. Many months ago I told one of my oldest, closest and most open minded friends about my introduction to kink, and she was completely understanding. Yesterday I told one of my best (but much more likely to judge) friends, and all he did was say "I get it". We were shopping for beds and he just kept insisting that I go for the sturdier frames because of my sex life. It was fun and funny and amazingly open.
So I think I'm going to be brave again. It might be another few months before I tell anyone else, or I may start slipping hints into conversations, I don't know. They don't need to know the details, but it would be great to be able to say that I'm going to a 'kinky party' instead of just 'out', or make a joke about my bruises instead of a lie. It's insane how much I feel I've grown lately, how much my mindset has changed. I'm realizing that the person I want to be and the person I am can co-exist, it doesn't have to be one or the other. It's amazing. So if anyone is reading this and feels unsure or scared about something, I highly recommend being brave. So far it's doing wonders for me.
Fast forward to now, and I'm still hiding. Have you ever had anyone who knows you inside and out, who knows everything about you? I almost have those people. My friends know everything about me, except this one little detail. A few years ago, this wasn't such a big deal since it was all in my head and never acted upon. Now though, kink is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life. I'm going to events, I'm meeting similar people, and it's a huge component in my relationship. I have to lie about bruises, where I'm going, and who I'm sleeping with. They can't fully understand my relationship with Sir because they have no concept of the dynamic.
I realize this is self imposed, but the way I tried to explain it the other day is that they know me as a certain person. They've grown up knowing me as this one personality and if I were to tell them about this other aspect of my life, it would always be in the back of their minds. I wouldn't be 'the friend' I would be 'the friend who likes kink'. I'm already 'the friend who dates married dudes', I don't think I could handle another on my list. And try explaining to someone that you really like it when your boyfriend hits you until you cry. They love me and will always accept me but they wouldn't quite get it. And not only would they look at me differently, but they would look at Sir as the man who hurts me, and I don't want that either.
On the other hand, it hurts a little bit to have to hide who I am. I feel like no matter how close we are, my friends and family will never completely know me because there will always be a part missing, and that's not a nice feeling. At this point Sir probably knows me better than anyone ever has, just because he has access to this part as well as everything else. And I like that feeling.
I'm getting to a point where my kink interests are becoming a daily part of who I am and I realize that it's only going to get harder and harder to hide. So I'm trying to be brave about things. Many months ago I told one of my oldest, closest and most open minded friends about my introduction to kink, and she was completely understanding. Yesterday I told one of my best (but much more likely to judge) friends, and all he did was say "I get it". We were shopping for beds and he just kept insisting that I go for the sturdier frames because of my sex life. It was fun and funny and amazingly open.
So I think I'm going to be brave again. It might be another few months before I tell anyone else, or I may start slipping hints into conversations, I don't know. They don't need to know the details, but it would be great to be able to say that I'm going to a 'kinky party' instead of just 'out', or make a joke about my bruises instead of a lie. It's insane how much I feel I've grown lately, how much my mindset has changed. I'm realizing that the person I want to be and the person I am can co-exist, it doesn't have to be one or the other. It's amazing. So if anyone is reading this and feels unsure or scared about something, I highly recommend being brave. So far it's doing wonders for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment