Discoveries

I'm finding that I can't sleep.  I have slept, I've slept for about four hours but I'm now wide awake with another five hours to go before my alarm.  I haven't gotten used to sharing a bed yet, every toss and turn, every movement wakes me up and this is becoming the result.  It doesn't help that I went to bed so early, I know, but I was tired and quite honestly didn't know what else to do.

Last night Sir and I were supposed to have a scene.  We'd discussed it a few days ago, it's been awhile since we've gone to the kink side of things and I think we both needed it.  His head isn't in the best of places right now though, so we were both wary of going very hard and looked for an alternative option.  (Funnily enough, we touched on a bit of our old roughness monday night and I had a meltdown, so apparently my mental state is a bit sensitive as well).  We'd talked briefly in the past about trying a more slave/master approach, just a day here or there when our dynamic would take on a more service role and get more into the degredation/humiliation that I'm curious about.  I suggested that maybe we have a few hours of something along this vein and he reacted very positively, so it was set.  

We've texted a little bit about it over the last couple of days, him telling me a few ideas that he has (ie: dog collar and leash, crawling instead of walking, ect) and I was getting pretty excited.  Ashamed of that excitement to be treated in such a way, but excited none the less.  Buildup people.

Yesterday came and he picked me up from work.  We had to run a couple of errands during which I was informed of the rule that at home I'd have to refer to him as Sir for everything, and that was it.  By the time we got back I was nervous and spent the first few minutes trying to be totally normal and waiting for it to start.  It never really did.  

This is something new for both of us, and something outside of his realm of experience.  He says he's very interested in it and wants to try it as much for his own pleasure as mine, but he became overwhelmed.  In his mind, treating me as anything but normal and respectful requires some type of aggression or negative connotation, and as I'm being pretty awesome about things at the moment he finds it too hard to get to that mental place.  This, of course, is the first issue.  Nothing that we do should ever come from anger.  The physical side of our sex life, the rough stuff, of course that has to have some aggressive intent behind it but the mental side should be the opposite.  This is a hurdle that he'll have to overcome.  

And so we sat and talked and neither of us really seemed to know what to do with ourselves.  I was disappointed, and embarrassed at how disappointed I was at not being treated so badly.  I've accepted myself in many ways but I'm still struggling with this aspect.  Somehow hearing that he wasn't ready to go all in on this kind of thing made me feel ashamed that I was.  Eventually I suggested baby steps and for the rest of the night I had to sit on the floor at his feet and call him Sir, get him anything he wanted and ask permission to do things that required me to leave that spot.  At times, it felt nice and comfortable.  Mostly though, I just felt tired, ashamed and unsure of the situation.  I'm a sub and I didn't feel as though my Dom was sure of himself in what he was doing and so I didn't really know what to do with myself.  And that's a horrible burden to place on someone else, that they have to be 100% sure of everything they're doing for the experience to work on me.  

I love that we're exploring things together.  I love that if we continue down this path and we enjoy it, we'll have another side of our dynamic to work with and grow in.  I realize there will be bumps and last night was the first one, which is fine.  We both discovered our own little hangups, his is how he approaches our dynamic and mine is getting over the shame of it.  Again.  

I'm going to try to go back to bed, Sir is awake and hopefully some snuggling will lull me back into a bit of a sleep.  Goodnight y'all.

Transitions

I realize it's been ages since I've updated this post, and though I know that the two of you who read this have probably been close to a nervous breakdown without my weekly ramblings you can rest easy.  I have not abandoned you.

The last few weeks of my life have been ridiculous.  I actually mean ridiculous because this stuff just doesn't happen to normal people.  In the past few weeks I have :

1) Met a guy who I like and have started dating

2) Had Sir decide to divorce his wife and move in with me

3) Added Sirs two cats to my previously one cat apartment

4) Gotten sick

5) Re-organized my flat

6) Argued

Honestly, I don't know where to start.  My mind for the last while has been a huge jumble that I'm barely able to navigate.  There is so much 'new' going on that I can't process or enjoy it all.  I mean, think about moving in with a boyfriend for the first time and how much attention and effort that takes for the first little while.  Or, think about what it's like when one of your really good friends breaks up with a life long partner and the stress and misery that they go through and the energy it takes to support them.  Or you could imagine that new roomie being the person who has just started to go through a divorce.  Does anyone have any guidelines for this particular situation?

Or lets go another route.  Imagine starting to really become and appreciate poly and have the wonderful experience of having a solid partner that you love while dating someone that you see a lot of potential in.  It's great, right?  Except there's that little thing of the d/s dynamic that you and your Sir have and it's the first time you've had to navigate how that is realistically applied in poly.  And throw in the fact that it's the first time that Sir has had a partner that was dating someone beyond strictly casual playdates and has to go through all of the jealousy and uncertainty that comes with poly at the beginning.  And just to make things interesting, have Sir going through an immense lifestyle change in which his main relationship is ending and his other serious relationship is possibly done which makes watching his remaining partner going out and having fun with someone new that much suckier.  

I'm tense.  And stressed.  And Sir is tense and stressed.  

I don't know if there's any way to explain how I feel.  It would almost be pointless to try.  I love Sir and I love having him with me.  I love going to bed at night with him next to me.  I love how I'll wake up in the middle of the night and one of his hands is resting on my skin, and I love waking up in the morning and being wrapped up in his arms.  

We have to be honest though.  It's not all peaches.  Sir is going through a really shitty time and more often than not his mood reflects that.  Instead of walking into the clean, airy, peaceful apartment I'm used to I enter a house full of cats and clutter with a half zoned out boyfriend on the couch who is usually too grumpy or stressed to do more than ask me to cook his meals.  To try and hold onto that old sensation of spaciousness and levity I end up cleaning and tidying, then become frustrated that I'm the only one doing so even if I haven't asked for help.  To try and comfort and support the man I love when he's down I cook for him and give him space only to become angry that I'm doing all of the cooking and cleaning like his little miss, with no  room to spread out for my own thing afterwards.  My car is now shared and with it my independence.    There's a tenseness, an argument always around the corner but I never know what I'll be walking into and it stresses me out.

Rationally, I realize a lot of things.  I realize that Sir doesn't do any of this intentionally and that he doesn't like having these down moments anymore than I do.  I realize that clutter is just clutter and can always be picked up.  I realize that he doesn't expect me to do all of the housework and that it won't be unreasonable for me to ask for help.  I realize that a lot of what I'm feeling is adjustment to moving in together/adjustment to me dating someone new/adjustment to sharing things and that it's all just really bad timing.  I realize that if our relationship can withstand this, it will withstand anything.  And mostly I realize that this is all temporary.  If nothing else, that has become my mantra.  The divorce will end and wounds will heal.  We'll find our rhythm when it comes to the house and how we maneuver within it.  We'll find our poly rhythm.  The stress and tension will fade.  All of this is temporary.

I hope, now, that you can forgive me for not updating sooner.  I've barely been able to distinguish my own thoughts from one day to the next, never mind articulate them to any degree.  As it is, this isn't exactly a well laid out piece of work and is mostly regarding the gloom and ignoring the good.  I mean, the cats are pretty fucking cute, except for when they're scratching doors at 3 am or breaking things.  And I like having access to Sir whenever I want it, and that he has access to me.  And despite the stress and grumpy, he makes a point of telling me how much he loves and appreciates me and how I'm feeling.  Really, how can things be all that bad if someone is constantly making you feel loved?  

I have other things I'm going to want to talk about, so the next post should be following fairly shortly.  I'm dating someone which I want to talk about, both what it's like to date someone properly in poly and because of the kink element that we're fashioning out.  Sir and I are going to have a session tomorrow that will be edging into things as yet unexplored between us and I'm very curious as to where it will lead.  So don't you worry oh perverted reader, there will be much smut and kink to come.

It's nice to be back :)