Birthday Presents

I'm getting a collar for my birthday :)

Sir measured my neck today and said it was for my birthday present.  It didn't take me many guesses.  

I have to say it's the last thing I was expecting from him.  Life has gotten in the way of a lot of things lately, our kink being one of them.  We've been trying to work with each others issues and it can be really difficult to navigate a normal relationship through the stuff we have, never mind keeping the dynamic in place.  It is in place of course, but the amount of playing and the general feel of our dynamic has diminished a great deal.  It was all bad timing, we had just reached a point where our d/s relationship was becoming deeper, more involved with our regular lives and broadening into different directions.  The sudden lack of play and interest as this started had me wondering if I was trying to push things in a direction that Sir didn't actually want and second guessing myself.  

I realized how far I've fallen into the sub frame of mind when I started thinking about collars.  Six months ago I would have shunned the idea completely and now I found myself wanting the feeling of security and submission that I imagine having something of Sirs would bring.  I'd mentioned it a couple of times to Sir but then life got in the way, and I genuinely thought that it's not something he would be interested in for a very long time.  Apparently I was wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I still find it scary and I realize what a big step it is.  I know that it signifies what our relationship has become and that can be a daunting thing for me to analyze too deeply.  On the other hand though, I'm excited and nervous and happy.  To know that Sir has been thinking about this when I thought he wasn't interested makes me feel confident that it's ok to want what I've wanted and to explore this deeper side of things.  To have a reminder that I'm his and that he wanted to take this step with me makes me feel loved and understood and safe.  And lets face it, it's kinda hot.  

The other upside of learning of this development has been the discussion that we've had tonight about our situation.  I now know that Sir understands why I'm wanting to explore the things that I am, and I understand why he's been reluctant.  And it occurs to me that the mere fact that we've been finding moments to continue our dynamic in all the turmoil means that we're both invested in it a great deal.  It's easy to enjoy the fun stuff when life is perfect.  It's the fact that we're still managing it even now that shows how much a part of us it really is.  

As we continue to explore I think my role is going to become more service oriented at times since this is something that Sir enjoys.  He has asked me to find other things that I would like to incoorporate that pull away from the sadistic or rough nature that we've adopted, but I'm having a bit of trouble with that question.  There are things for punishments like the sitting with a blindfold or not being allowed to speak or make eye contact, but he wants ideas for everyday times which will reinforce the dynamic without making him feel like he's punishing me.  Something like sitting at his feet while we watch tv is something along those lines, but I would very much appreciate any other ideas that you're willing to share.  I imagine most of the people that read this have a bit more experience in this area than I do and I'd love to pick your brains :)  

The Naughty Corner

I broke a rule.  I was grumpy and frustrated, and when I'm in that mood I tend to get a bit of a "whatever, it's fine" frame of mind.  Of course when I wake up the next morning that feeling has been replaced by guilt and the dread of knowing I'm going to pay for it.  

I got home from work knowing what my punishment would be and so I got to it right away.  First it was making him dinner and doing some chores.  Independently neither of those things bother me but he knows that I have a very negative reaction to being treated like the maid.  I am submissive in many ways, but if I ever feel like he's not pulling his weight around the house I can get very uppity.  On this day however I did them without a word, knowing that I wasn't supposed to enjoy it and that I deserved it.  I should mention that I was also becoming sick and dead tired, which made me less inclined to obey but also less able to put up a fight.  

After the chores were done he took me into our bedroom and had me sit in the corner with a blindfold on.  He turned off the lights and left me there in the dark to think about what I'd done and appreciate the fact that he'd chosen to leave the belt out of this punishment.  By the time he came to get me an hour later, I felt like a chastened child and was properly put into my place.  I would have done anything he told me to after that.

We were speaking about it yesterday and I was trying to articulate to him why I found that form of punishment so much more appealing than his normal method.  Now of course when I say "appealing" it doesn't mean I enjoyed it.  Or if I did, I enjoyed it the same way I enjoy being beaten with a belt the day after when I'm well rested, the memory of the pain has faded and I'm checking out my sweet bruises.  The problem however is that I can't pinpoint why I enjoyed this type so much.  Writing usually allows me to get my thoughts in order, so here we go.

For the past few weeks Sir and I have discussed and alluded to the idea of a deeper dynamic that stretches even further outside the bedroom.  The more time I've had to think about it, the more I want to start down that road.  Situations in Sirs life however have left him less than inclined to pursue any kind of d/s at the moment, never mind the unexplored.  I find that incredibly frustrating, but I trust that things will fall back into place when they're meant to.  The punishment that I received the other day was like a glimpse at that possible future dynamic.  There wasn't any great scene created, we didn't suspend our normal relationship and switch to the d/s.  In this instance, the submission was blended into our normal lives and it was carried out in a very cut and dry manner.  I was bad, I was punished accordingly, and then we continued with our evening.  

I suppose the biggest difference for me is that it wasn't as emotional as normal.  The only other two punishments that I've had have involved a very hurt or angry Sir and a beating that resulted in my sobbing and begging.  They were incredibly emotional and high intensity.  This past one was done in a very calm manner as though it were just part of a normal day.  And I guess it's that sense of normality that I want to experience, the feeling of my submission or his dominance just being part of our daily routine.  I don't want these things to happen just because we're horny or emotional, but because we get something out of it when we're calm and content.  

Also, there's something about being sent to the corner like a naughty child that makes you feel small and chastened, which is a feeling I've come to love. 

I'm once again exhausted and have to aim for sleep.  I don't know if I've answered my own question or not, but as always I appreciate that you've kept up with my ranting (if you've actually gotten this far that is).  Good night to you all!

Contentment

Last night Sir and I were watching television.  I was frustrated from chronic pain in my leg that a doctor had just told me I should ignore and I was still frustrated by the minimal physical contact I was receiving from Sir (ie: sitting on opposite ends of the couch all night).  I wanted comfort and was clutching a stuffed fish to try and compensate.  So when he looked at me with that look on his face and said "Sit", a little tingle of calm and pleasure went through me and I slid to the floor, fish and all.

We spent the next while just like that, Sir's hand stroking my hair or firmly on the back of my neck while I curled up against his leg.  It made everything better.  I relaxed, my frustrations melted away as I got all of the attention that I've been craving this last while.  Afterwards he took me to our bedroom and it was exactly what I needed.  His inner sadist took a break and I did everything I could to behave and please him, I felt completely and utterly submissive to him and so happy within that.

Sir heard what I had told him and he took care of me.  He gave me what I needed and I fell asleep more content than I have been in awhile.  It's times like this that confirm everything for me.  Of how much I crave the submission, both with sex and separately.  Of how much I love Sir and trust that he'll look after me and my needs.  Of how sure I am about the path that we've taken and are going to take.

At this moment I know that I'm his little pet and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Patience

I am not a patient person.  When I decide to do something, I jump in with both feet and when I want something, I want it now.  Since having realized that I want to explore different areas of kink with Sir, I've been pretty eager and I have all these ideas in my head of what form our relationship will take and what it will look like in the months to come.  And at first we were doing things like me having to call him Sir in more situations, and we were discussing things like collars and behaviour for the future.  It was exciting and fun and while I was scared about going down this new road, I was happy.  

And then, it all just stopped.  Sir has been dealing with some issues of his own and things like the divorce and the breakup with his other partner take time to heal.  It's meant however that our explorations have been put on hold.  At first I didn't understand what was going on.  The attention and sexual vibe just drifted away and I found myself vying for attention and submission.  I mentioned the urge to sit at his feet during Christmas, and I did again a couple of times since then.  I kept having the urge to touch him or be held by him and we all know how much that was stressing me out.  I thought I was becoming a needy little sub and attention whore and it really bothered me.  

Yesterday I had an epiphany.  It wasn't that I suddenly needed to be around him all the time and be this desperate slave girl, it was that I was trying to get the attention and contact that had gone away.  Sir isn't capable of focusing on that part of our relationship and while it still sucks, I realize that my reactions aren't as extreme or out of the blue as I'd thought.  I allowed myself to come to this place mentally and now just have to wait.

So here we are.   I'm in a situation where my sexuality is controlled by someone who isn't thinking about sex.  If I want to cum it's rare that I feel like I can.  I'm not going to ask him permission and then go into the other room to get myself off.  That feels wrong and lonely.  I'm craving sex and I can't get it.  More than that I'm craving submission.  I don't know how to deal with it other than to do things like sit at his feet and hope he'll acknowledge it, or cuddle up to him on the couch and hope he does or say something to make me feel like his little pet.  

And through all of it, I feel guilty that I'm thinking of sex and orgasms while he's dealing with all of his issues.  I want to be supportive and understanding but there are these parts of me that have become such needs in my life and our relationship that I don't know how to compensate for them.  And so I turn into touchy feely needy girl and get all stressy about it, which doesn't help anything.

Sir and I have talked about it and I now know he's aware of how I'm feeling.  I realize that it'll take time for things to improve and I'm going to have to work on this whole patience thing.  At least I know that if I'm willing to continue to follow his rules now when it means that I'm not getting what I want, that I'm making the right decision when it comes to this whole kink/dynamic thing.  This is where I belong, and this is what will make me happy.  He is what makes me happy.  I just have to trust that I can be patient for the first time in my life.  Ever.