Naughty and Nice

I don't know if Santa would know what to leave for me if he knew what was going on in my head most of the time.  

Sir and I have spent the last few days surrounded by my family and Christmas festivities.  I love Christmas and I love my family and Sir, so for me this has been the best combination of all things.  And yet, that extra naughty little part of me keeps seeping into things, tainting the wholesome holiday fun (and by tainting I mean making it extra awesome).  

Christmas Eve morning we were visiting family and opening gifts and I was told how much they all approved of Sir (this being the first time he's met most of my family).  All I could think of was how the night before this 'nice guy' had handcuffed me, fucked me in the ass and choked me while I sobbed and begged him not to.  It kept slipping into my mind and I spent a lot of time daydreaming about our sex life.

 Christmas Eve night I was with my immediate and extended family playing games and being festive and I kept finding excuses to sit on the floor next to Sir's chair.  It was a reasonably easy task, I usually like sitting on the floor anyway and I used the fire as a reason.  And partly, it was true.  Mostly however I wanted to be sitting at his feet.   I wanted to experience that submissive feeling that I've been craving more and more, and this was the most subtle way of achieving it.  Granted Sir probably couldn't have stroked my hair all night or held me by the back of the neck the way I love without it looking odd, but the occasional hand on my shoulder was enough to make me feel like his little sub.  

Christmas Day he teased me a bit in the kitchen when my mum was out of the room, and allowed me to cum later in the shower.  I spent most of the rest of the day craving physical attention from him but had to keep the PDA down to a level suitable to the occasion and company.

Tangent: I'm increasingly craving physical contact with Sir.  And not even sexual contact, just some form of physical connection.  If I'm near him I want to be touching him, or more importantly, I want him to be touching me.  I'm finding that even a hand on my leg can give me that feeling of ownership or belonging that I seem to want.  Someone once told me that true subs and true slaves become desperate for the attention of their Masters, that they become almost pathetic in their desire for more.  He didn't mean this in a negative way, but I remember thinking to myself that I would never allow myself to get there.  That I would never allow myself to be in the vulnerable situation of constantly wanting attention and connection and being a 'desperate' slave.  And yet, now I'm beginning to understand what he meant and I find myself in a position I hadn't expected.  And I'm fighting it, as always, despite being so content when my cravings are met.  

Tangent over.

My holidays were both extra wonderful this year because I was able to share them with Sir, and extra surreal.  I was the doting daughter, the accommodating niece and cousin, and the entire time I was thinking about being pushed into the floor and having Sirs cock in me.   I've been able to keep my social and sexual lives pretty separate up to this point, but I have a feeling things are going to get weirder and weirder as my dynamic becomes more of my actual life.  Poor Santa's not going to have a clue which list I go on.

Loaned Out

One of ideas that Sir and I have been discussing has been the act of 'loaning me out'.  For him the attraction is in the total display of ownership that this entails.  For me it's the slut factor combined with the idea of pleasing him, and also a little of that confirmation of ownership thing.

I've talked about Giggles before and how we've had a few threesomes but I've never actually done anything with her.  The only way for me to get over my shyness was to be ordered to do things, and so the plan was created.  We decided with Giggles to meet her at a dungeon party that we were attending, after which he would give me to her to do as she wished, and when she was done he would come in to top us both.  

Before the party was an event in which stations were set up with different kinks that people could try and explore.  You had the guy renown for fire, the violet wand guy, the caning guy, ect.  Giggles and her friend went around trying everything but I stayed back, mostly watching the flogging station.  I've been flogged before, a bit, but I wanted to try it again.  The woman running the station had been at a different party and I'd seen her basically destroy her sub (in a good way) and she has a very good reputation.  I was fascinated.  The problem was that this was in public and I don't play in public.  At first I was worried that I'd have to take my shirt off like the other people and I'm not comfortable enough with myself to let other people see me naked.  Then I was worried about other people watching me be submissive in any way, shape or form.  Apparently I'm still not comfortable with that either.  And then I worried about them both together, until the woman noticed me staring and all but dragged me over.  She was really nice and comforting, Sir wanted me to and I was allowed to keep my shirt on, so I agreed.  

It was awesome :)  It only lasted about 15 minutes, and at first she was going really easy on me.  I stood at the cross, staring at nothing and just taking in the sensation and the rest of the room just fell away.  She checked in with me a couple of times to see what I wanted to try and then picked things up until they were just starting to hurt.  It was great.  I was so proud of myself for "playing" in public for the first time, and so pleased that I had made Sir proud.  The demonstrators slave kept commenting about how hot my reactions to the pain were and Sir said that a crowd had formed and watched my little demo.  I had actually been the center of attention as a sub and I hadn't minded!  I was a bit embarrassed afterwards, but mostly I couldn't stop smiling.  Yay babysteps!!!

We hung around for most of the party and then hurried home where I was given over to Giggles.  She likes to use implements, and so most of this time was spent with me laying down being flogged, paddled and caned.  I had welts on my thighs for days and I know for a fact that she wasn't hitting anywhere close to what she was capable of.  It was both brilliant and painful.  Sir had decided to remain in the room and at times either held my hand or kept me still.  The comfort of his presence at moments when the pain got intense was all I needed to keep going.  Afterwards we all played together and I had my first experience of sex with a girl.  It was a lot less messy than I'd expected.  

The hardest part for me in all of this was using the title 'Sir' in front of her.  She knows what our relationship is and she's been on the scene for a fairly long time.  She's even in a triad with a master and his slave and so there was no danger of judgement, and yet I kept trying to get around it.  This prompted a bit of a public reminder from Sir which was also pretty embarrassing, but I understand why it was necessary.  As always this is a game of trust, and I have to trust that he'd never put me in a situation where I'll be judged or made to feel badly about what I enjoy.  I have to trust that it's ok for me to act in this way and that others understand and accept it.  So far everything that I was afraid to try ended up being worth it and I have to trust that those are the places he's taking me.  And I do, or I wouldn't have ended up on that cross or in that room eating someone out.  

What's next?  Who knows.  D/s elements are starting to creep into our normal lives very slowly and it's an exciting and interesting process.  Those are thoughts for another day though.  For now, goodnight and may you all have sexy dreams.

Acceptance

From day one of truly discovering kink I have sworn that I would never go 24/7.  I would not become a slave, I would not have an owner.  I would not have to ask permission to do perfectly normal things and I would not have to do things I don't want to just because someone else tells me to.

Oh how naive I was.

Sir has been saying since we met that I'm much more submissive than I think I am.  I always balked at this, both because I didn't want to admit it and because I didn't see how you can be more submissive or less?  You just... are.  I can see how people have varying degrees of bottoming, allowing someone to top you while never truly giving yourself up to them.  Submission though, no matter what shape it takes in your relationship I figure you're either in or you're out.  

So now, these many months later, I'm trolling the internet for articles on slave/master dynamics (though those titles really grate on me for some reason).  I'm admitting that I would find it both degrading and hot to be put on a leash and kept by his side in the house.  To have to ask permission to be allowed in bed.  To be made to sit in the corner if I've done something wrong.  This is ridiculous!  The old me would be smacking this version of me upside the head and sitting me down for a talk about self control.  So why the change?  Why am I contemplating this new way of living that, lets face it, would lead to a 24/7ish dynamic?

The first thing, I think, is that I'm becoming more confident in myself and more trusting of Sir.  I'm believing that it's ok to want to be treated in a certain way if Sir and I enjoy it.  I'm believing that wanting to be treated this way doesn't mean Sir actually looks at me as nothing but a pathetic slut.  Another reason is that having exposed myself to many different people in the community and all of their experiences, I'm realizing that 24/7 or 'master/slave' doesn't have to be done just one way.  I think I always had an image in my head of a woman who does all the chores, brings her Sir blankets and drinks, and is expected to just go along with whatever her Dom says.  And that is very much not me.  If Sir is cold, he knows where the blankets are.  And if I'm doing the dishes I don't want to also have to do the sweeping, cleaning, laundry, dinner, ect ect.  He has legs and arms and is a fully functioning human being capable of all of those things.  What I'm accepting now is that if we do go down this road, we can shape it to fit our personalities and life style.  I can be his sub and still tell him the cats need to be fed and the garbage put out.  

This was also just natural progression.  When we first met, all of our sexual encounters were very physically aggressive, almost violent.  For the first few months this worked for us since we only saw each other a couple of times a week and limits were being sought out.  Now we live together and we can't live up to the physical and emotional toll that beating the crap out of me every night would require.  So to keep the dynamic in a softer but just as meaningful way, these other elements come in.  Any of the things I mentioned a couple of paragraphs ago require just as much submission from me as the physical stuff, if not more in that I'm willingly allowing him to dictate, as opposed to him having to force me.  And lets face it, the derogatory nature of most of this really does something for me.  It always has.  To be reduced in such a way now and then is enough to fuel the spank bank for weeks.

And finally, on a very basic level I just want to be his little sub who he takes care of and who pleases him.  I can't tell you how much I've come to love being told that I'm a good girl, or receiving his praise or approval.  Normally I get off thinking about something degrading happening to me, the last time I was with him I got off while thinking of the fact that I was being good.  The warm fuzzies that I get when he calls me 'pet' or even 'my little slut' are addictive.  It's an incredible state of mind to be in, and I wouldn't mind being there more often.  I've actually asked him for a collar, which is something I never imagined myself doing.  One for home for those fun bits of degradation and play, and something that I can wear all the time.  I'm his, I really am, and I want a reminder of that throughout my day.  I want him to know that I know it.  

I'm scared, a bit, but we're starting slow.  At the moment he's told me that I have to start addressing him as Sir at certain times when before it was only ever in regards to sex.  We'll build from there and I'm sure that as with everything else, I won't realize how far we've come until I'm on the other side.  Who knows, maybe we'll get to the point where he can lend me to his friends who will beat me until the welts last for days.  Oh wait... 

The Other Boy and the Bad, Bad Timing

Ok so I suck at this blogging thing recently.  What can I say but I'm sorry.  Once again, life has just taken over.  Plus I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks and it's effecting my desire and ability to do anything when I get home from work.  Also, the xbox is up and running...

Enough excuses however.  As promised, there are several things I want to talk about.  I did my first taste of public playing the other day, followed by an evening of being topped first by Giggles, and then both Giggles and Sir.  I can now officially say I've had sex with a girl :)

Before that though, there's the matter of humiliation play that I've been discovering and really want to discuss.  Before that though, (or maybe as a part of that) there's the deeper dynamic that Sir and I are realizing we're going to reach and all of the things that come along with it (possible 24/7ish.  Emphasis on the 'ish') .  Before that though, is the big change we've been dealing with lately, which is the addition of sexual and dating partners to my life.  This is where we must start, and I promise promise promise that those other topics will be discussed shortly.

So just over a month ago, I went out on a date with OB (the Other Boy).  Now I haven't done a lot of dating in my lifetime, but even I'm aware that it was a pretty awesome date.  I thought he was cute right off the bat, the conversation went really well over dinner, the drinks afterwards were fun and there was a great chemistry.  We had a lot in common on a platonic level and now that I'm a much braver person I was able to find out that we have a lot in common on a sexual/kink level.  I even managed to tell him about the dynamic that Sir and I have and he was interested and understanding.

So of course, I wanted to go out with him again and I did.  And we went out again.  And again.  And what can I say except that the universe can sometimes have really crappy timing.  Just over a month ago, Sir was seriously contemplating his relationship with his wife and decided to end things.  He moved in with me and what ensued were some of the more stressful weeks of my life.  Over those few weeks I continued to date OB and Sir tried to wade through the horribleness that is a breakup.  Two, actually, as his other partner decided that this was too much drama for her and broke up with him.  I find that ironic, but I have to be good and not speak my mind on that one.

This is the first time I feel like I've truly embraced poly and explored it the way it should be explored.  One partner who I love and with whom I feel safe and secure, and another person to go out with and have fun without it being just about the sex.  It's just unfortunate that this happened as Sir was feeling especially alone and vulnerable.  As you can imagine, seeing me go off and enjoy the company of another man while he's dealing with the loss of two partners was not pleasant for him.  It caused a lot of problems.  On the one hand, I understood what he was feeling and how frustrating it must have been for him.  On the other, I was already turning my world upside down to try and support him through this and I refused to go down the road of making my life events conditional on how his other relationships were going.  Does that sound horrible?  Sometimes I second guessed myself.  Sometimes I wanted to just stop seeing OB and be there for my Sir and not be a bad girlfriend.  In the end though, I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't go to the place where I was allowing my happiness to be dependent on his.  What if it took him months to get over them?  What if in three months we're both seeing people and his life gets thrown about some more?  Am I expected to drop everything to be there if he needs me?

And again, don't get me wrong, I was there for him.  Lets face it though, people going through divorces are not the most pleasant of company.  And I was stressed about the fact that there was suddenly another person and two more animals in my space and in my life.  I was dealing with the change in environment, behaviour, and expectations.  To be able to get out of the house and spend time with someone who was focused purely on me and on making me happy was comforting and necessary.  Without the break from the doom and gloom, I wouldn't have been able to keep myself afloat.  I had to be there for him, but there wasn't anyone there for me and so I had to take care of myself.  For me, part of that was being reminded of all of the good things about myself and what it can be like with someone when everything is hunky dorey.

So there we are, me wanting to feel attention and care free and Sir feeling depressed, insecure and angry.  And if this wasn't enough (because things just aren't ever simple anymore) we were being forced to examine our dynamic and what it really meant.  He is, after all, my Sir and he has complete control over my body and what I do with it.  This had never been a problem, until I wanted to start doing things with it that he wasn't happy with.  Lets face it, you meet a cute guy, there's chemistry and attraction and after a couple of dates you want to have sex.  It's biological and it's me and I really wanted to fuck.  Sir said no.  He didn't know this guy that I was seeing, and he didn't know what OB's expectations were.  I'm his property and his sub, and he doesn't want to see me misused or hurt by anyone and he wasn't about to let someone else have access to me until he knew where things were going.  I didn't take that very well.  

We had made an agreement on the day that I agreed to allow him this control over me, that once I formed a relationship with someone his rights of ownership would no longer apply to that situation.  How can you date someone if every time you start to get handsy, you have to stop and call your dom to check that it's ok?  It doesn't work.  And so here we were trying to figure out the balance of my rights vs his, all on top of the emotional whirlwind we were enduring that made everything fuzzy.  

So, there were fights.  Eventually we managed to come to some idea of what my submission and his dominance actually meant, and he allowed me to have sex with this fun new partner.

The irony is, I think I'm losing interest in OB now.  I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't have the same buzz about him that I used to.  Maybe it was just the novelty of fun dating that I liked.  Maybe it was just that this person was offering me compliments and attention when I really really needed them.  Maybe he's just turned out to be a bit too much of a nice guy.  And maybe (and I have a sneaking suspicion this one is a bit closer to the truth) maybe I insisted on dating him as often as I did on principle, because I wanted to prove to both Sir and myself that I was not going to end up the type of girl that just gave in whenever her boyfriend wanted something.  I can't stress enough to you how important to me that is, especially now that I see how much of my control I may be giving up in the future.  I have to prove to myself that when I know I'm right and when I'm looking out for my own best interests, I'll stay strong.  I won't just cave because the sub in me wants to.  When it comes to doing whats best for me, I need to know that I won't just curl up and roll over.

But who knows.  At the moment, I'm on the fence.  There is definite sexual chemistry and he genuinely is a really nice guy who really likes me, so I'm going to give it a couple of more dates to see how I feel.  Either way, Sir and I have come to an agreement that for the next month neither of us will date anyone in a serious manner.  Our relationship is evolving, and after so many weeks of negativity we need to spend some time working on just us and figuring out who we are together and where we want to go.  

So there you have it, the tale of the OB.  Or, 'why you shouldn't have everything new in your relationship happen at once'.  The only good that I can say about it all is that getting through it only make Sir and I more solid.  I have to say (I'm really sorry for the cheese that's about to follow) that I love him in a way I didn't think I was capable of.  I love him more now than I did when I first said that I loved him, and I love him more now than I did when he moved in.  So it can't all be that bad, if this is the result.

Tune in next time and you can hear me talk about why I'm contemplating a type of full on d/s dynamic that I swore I'd never do.  Also I'll try to explain why I like it when I'm put on a leash and called a filthy whore.  

My mother would be so proud.