Knowing My Place

I went to a psychic yesterday.  I don't generally believe in them but I'd heard some interesting things about this one and thought that it sounded like fun.  I have to say, I was slightly nervous that she'd take one look at me and say something like "oh...  whips and chains eh?" but thankfully that didn't happen.  Maybe that means she's not really psychic.

She told me a lot of different things, some very specific and some more vague and open to interpretation.  At one point she said that I had been resisting something for the past little while, but that there's recently been a shift.  I realize she could say that to anyone and they'd find something that fit but the first thing that occurred to me was my evolving view on my submission.  Just that morning I had been thinking about the fact that I was becoming more comfortable with my submissive side.  I realize a lot of what I write about is second guessing about my choices and desires and I'm sure that will still occur as I explore, but in a general sense I'm just more ok with it.  

I'm a submissive to my Sir and I'm happy that way.  I don't know why.  I enjoy being used and degraded and treated like a toy and as long as I get comfort and care afterwards it's something that will always get me off.  I'm in a situation where there is trust and communication and where nothing I could admit to wanting would be looked down upon.  I never realized how much energy I was putting into fighting myself until I let up.

Last night I went to see Sir and we talked about my experience after the punishment and how we can keep it from happening again.  It was exactly what I needed, and half an hour later I was happily giving him head while he played GTA5.  And I mean it when I say happily.  For what felt like ages I serviced him while he occupied himself with something else and I got off on it.  There was no shame, no fear of judgement, just the pleasure of doing something I enjoy that pleased him in turn.  And I like this new outlook. 

There will still be moments of doubt of course, and I would like to get to a deeper understanding of why I like what I do.  Sir asks me that occasionally and I can never seem to answer past "I don't know".  I'm going to reflect on it and attempt some form of articulation, and it will probably end up on here.  Until then however I'm just going to enjoy the fact that when Sir holds my head down on him and tells me to know my place all I feel is pleasure and lust and none of it is tainted with shame.  Whether she meant to be or not the psychic was right, there has been a shift and my resistance is leaving me.  My place is where he says it is, on my knees or in his arms, and it's the only way I'd want it to be.