Punishment

So last night was a pretty big one for me. 

To start with, I received my first ever punishment.  Well, the last part of my punishment since we all know it started days ago.  I knew what was coming, it was that stupid studded belt and I'd been unable to think of anything else the entire day.  I knew it was going to hurt, but how much?  How badly was he going to hurt me?  What if I couldn't handle it?  Would he go straight in or would he make me wait even longer?  I honestly had trouble sleeping the night before.  The waiting and wondering is the worst part and he knew it.

When he came over I was cooking so we had to wait until the food was out of the oven before continuing.  It was this weird combination of relaxed, normal conversation with random moments where he'd grab my throat and just hold it for a minute before continuing.  I think he just wanted me to stay on edge, to remember that there was something coming.  Since, you know, that kind of thing would clearly slip my mind.

I had told myself that when it happened I would be good, I wouldn't beg and I would take it well.  I didn't beg (which I'm actually pretty proud of) but I definitely didn't take it well.  He started out with some normal spanking which hurt, as well as telling me things like how disappointed I had made him.  I think it was partly the fear of what was going to happen, and partly the emotional rollarcoaster that I'd been on for the past couple of days, but the tears started and I couldn't get them to stop.  He tied my hands behind me (since I have a habit of trying to fend off spankings, despite my best intentions) which made me cry even harder and by the time I heard the jingle of the belt I was sobbing.  And fuck it hurt.  The only redeeming thing was the awesome imprints and bruising that it left, but not worth it just for that. 

And so my punishment was complete.  It was exactly and completely different than what I had thought a punishment would be, but it served its purpose.  I don't want to cheat on our deal again.

Even bigger than this though was what came next.  It started out as a demand from him when I asked for a tissue that I refer to him as Sir.  Now I know I've talked about how many issues I have with submission and my worries about getting too deep and so this was a surprise.  He had said before that he wouldn't ever be interested in titles, and I had said that I didn't like saying them, so this was completely out of the blue.  I hadn't stopped crying from the punishment yet mind you and my emotions were still all over the place and this tipped me again.  I spent another ten minutes or so crying whilst giving head (which is really difficult I might add) until he stopped the scene all together and we discussed it.

I see his point.  We've kind of been heading here for awhile and it's the next step.  And obviously we're not just talking about how to address him, but what power that title gives him.  Our dynamic is still mostly only in sexual situations and it would remain that way, but if he's my Sir then he gets "ownership of my sexuality" as he put it.  This means continuing to ask permission for orgasms as well as asking permission when I want to be intimate with someone else.  He can say yes or no or ok up to varying degrees.  I have to admit, the idea of someone telling me I can't sleep with someone else is a bit jarring and my inner feminist gets vocal about it, but I wouldn't have agreed if I didn't trust that he wouldn't abuse it.  It's a turn on for both of us to know that he has control over my sexual life and it's comforting for me to know that he wants to look out for me and make sure I don't get hurt.  Plus, of course, he's a dominant guy and wants what's his to be his.  

I have some concerns of course, we are after all just starting out our relationship in general and this is a lot of trust and faith to put in someone you're still getting to know.  For me personally, I'm very afraid of being vulnerable and I feel that being this submissive to someone requires that you let your walls down.  You can't really give someone else the control if you're not letting them have access to all of you and being that open means that there are many ways to get hurt.  

In the end though, I can't say I'm not curious.  I can't say I'm not turned on and I can't say that I don't want this.  It might frighten me, but it also intrigues me and satisfies me and there's a lot that can happen within this that I might find joy in.  I used to say to people that if you're not willing to do the things that are big enough and important enough to be scary, you'll never end up doing anything worthwhile.  I'd actually forgotten about that until now, I think I need to start taking my own advice.  

And so here I am now, bruised, repentant, and a submissive to her Sir (as he'll now be referred to.  Last time it changes, I promise).  It's been a very long week but a productive one, and I am now off to enjoy my weekend laying in the sun and daydreaming about some very naughty things.  Actually I've already started.  Driving is going to be difficult.  Damn.