Learning To Share Your Toys (Also Known As 'Poly')

The first time I heard about polyamory I was in a sushi restaurant picking little orange fish eggs off the edge of my California roll.  I hate those things, they’re an unnatural colour and I imagine they pop or crunch or something when you eat them.  Ugh.  I was on first date with a cute guy and probably not paying him as much attention as one should on a first date.  He was happily chatting away about his views on the universe and relationships, and then suddenly he’s throwing this word out there that I’d never heard of before.  I should say that we met at a kink event, so at first I thought poly was some kind of fetish and I snapped out of my egg obsession long enough to clarify.  Turns out this guy that I liked was into dating several people at once.  My very first gut reaction was “God dammit” mixed with a bit of “why did I have to meet a weird one”.  So, you know, not positive.   

That was almost a year ago and I’m still doing the poly thing.  I wouldn’t define myself as polyamorous since I take that to mean monogamy is never an option, but at the moment I’m interested in polyamorous relationships.  I like the idea that love is something that doesn't have to be confined to one person.  Everyone knows the security, trust and happiness that comes from being in a healthy relationship so why wouldn’t you want to have that feeling twice over if possible, or three times?  There are more people to have your back, more people to share experiences with, and you can get everything you need spread out over a few partners instead of trying to make one person be your perfect match.  Add to that the level of communication and trust required to keep these relationships healthy, and it’s an attractive package. 

With every up there is a down however and poly definitely has its share of downs.  Jealousy is impossible to avoid.  Sharing people that you care about is difficult and insecurity can poison the mind.  Imagine having a horrible day and all you want to do is curl up with your partner but you can’t because they’re on a date with someone else, deriving pleasure and happiness with another person while you’re feeling miserable and alone.  (Welcome to how I spent last night).  There are time conflicts, partner conflicts, new and exciting dates who aren't you.  There are so many opportunities to get hurt, for little white lies to sneak in and turn into bigger lies, for resentment to form and fester against the other people that your partner cares about.  The very nature of poly means that security is never guaranteed and after a million wonderful affairs you could end up alone.  And to create these wonderful, healthy relationships you have to put the time and effort into each one.  Scheduling yourself so that everyone is happy and wanted can leave you no time for yourself, which is destructive.

And yet, here I am.  

I've come to learn that like anything else, it's all in the mind.  I'm going to feel jealous here and there, but it's how I deal with that jealousy that will dictate my relationship.  You recognize it for what it is, you try to figure out why you're feeling it, you allow it to be there for awhile and then you move on.  Nine times out of ten it's all rooted in your own insecurity to begin with, and if I can deal with and strengthen my insecurities every time something comes up, just imagine how much my future relationships will benefit from that.  I'll be little miss confident!  And lets face it, you can get replaced or hurt in monogamy just as easily.  When it comes down to it, people will be with you if they want to be and if they don't nothing in the world can keep them there.  

Oh, and I forgot one big plus.  Poly is an excellent gateway into threesomes.  Lets say I'm going to drinks next week with the Trucker and his casual playmate who also happens to be submissive and kinky.  Let's just pretend that we'll all be getting a bit tipsy.  Who knows.

(Actually, I kind of know.  Remember the fiasco with the double blowjob?  Imagine that level of awkwardness but without clothes and someone getting full on fucked beside me...  I don't imagine it would go very well if I went for it.  Which I might.  Or not.  ...I'll let you know.)