It was Sir's first dungeon and my second and we were both a little unsure about how we would respond. The first time I went it was almost overwhelming and difficult to process, and I didn't think I'd want to do it again. This time though, was pretty cool. I knew what to expect and I was able to look at it in a different light. And the fact that I've experienced a lot more since that first time has made me much more comfortable with and curious about the things that were going on around me.
There was a spanking scene that I couldn't stop watching. The girl was able to take it for ages, and watching her reactions completely turned me on. Sir knew this of course, and when we got home it was my turn. I'd mentioned lately that I wanted to be able to get to that endorphin rush place where I could take the pain for longer, and trying some new techniques that he'd witnessed at the party, Sir got me right to the brink. And then stopped.
The next thing I knew I was on my knees sucking cock and I was literally squirming with arousal and the desire to have him continue. I had only just started to feel the shift in my body, the change of sensation. I knew that if he kept going I'd be able to continue that feeling, and so I asked for more.
Now I'm just going to stop you there because you probably don't understand the gravity of what I just said, so I'll say it again. I ASKED for more. When it comes to sex, I don't ask for anything. Verbalizing my desires is incredibly difficult, my mouth opens and my lips move but sounds never come out. I don't know if it's because I'd just spent a few hours in an environment where it was ok to like to be abused, or if I just wanted to get to that feeling so badly, but either way I asked for more and I got it.
By the end I was floating. The pain started to lessen and become easier to handle, it felt almost good at times. He would ask me questions and I couldn't answer properly, he would say things that I wouldn't hear the first time. When he stopped I was just writhing and I kept wanting more and more.
Afterwards it took me awhile to talk and even longer to get my head in the right place. I don't know if you want to call it subspace, endorphins, adrenaline or just exhaustion, but it's only the second time I've felt that way and I clearly don't know what I need to deal with it yet. I tend to need a lot of physical contact and cuddling after sessions and Sir is very good about giving that to me for as long as I need. At the moment though, for reasons unrelated to any of this stuff, there is always a point where he has to leave. Sometimes that's harder than others and last night was one of those times. I went to bed with my arms wrapped around myself wanting comfort and I woke up feeling lost and alone.
I'm feeling better now, even better than when I started writing this. Since then I've connected with Sir, I've had a little chocolate (I won the ability to have some by picking out the right shot at dinner) and I've had some comfort cuddling with my stuffed fish. I know that people experience sub drop, I don't know if that applies to me in this situation or if it's just the normal transition of coping with new experiences and feelings, but I suppose it's the price I pay for letting myself go to such emotional extremes.
All in all though, it was a great night. There were a couple of moments that I don't even want to share here because they feel just a bit too private, and I know that despite the negative feelings that I had it was still worth it. I'm lucky to have met someone who I can share this part of my life with and who can explore with me without judgement. There will still be rocky moments and unexpected reactions but it's not like I can stop. Just like last night I find myself craving more and more and more.
Now it's time for some popcorn and a really girly movie to get me back on track.
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