It's Just, You Know, Casual

Casual sex.  I've had a bit of it.  I've had fuck buddies, casual encounters, friends with benefits and relationships.  Yes, I realize that comes across rather... slutty.  I like to think of it as 'curious'.  Through all of these I never had any question about which were casual sex and which were relationships.  It didn't require any thought or contemplation, I just knew.  The other day I had a conversation with someone about one of my current 'casual' relationships, and what made it casual as opposed to something else.  It was an interesting question and since then I've spent a lot of time thinking about it.  What makes a casual sexual relationship casual?  What does one define as intimacy?  Can you have intimacy in something casual or does that blur the lines?

The conversation began when discussing someone who I met about nine months ago, lets call him Mr E.  I was only just beginning to get involved with kink related websites and communities and I was pretty lucky to get a message from him so early on.  We met at a bar, hit it off, made out in the parking lot, and the next night I was bent over his dresser making noises that probably got half his building off.  For the first few months we saw each other every week or so, both excited at the prospect of having met someone that we could be open with about our preferences.  We got to know each other, talked about our lives and the stress we were under, had sex and fell asleep.  In the mornings I would drink some juice, chit chat for a minute, and then I was gone until the next time. We now see each other about once every six weeks, the only communication in that time being the five minutes of texting or so that we use to set up the next booty call.

To me, this is clear cut casual sex.  We don't have contact outside of booty calls, we don't meet anywhere other than each others apartments.  We discuss each others friends and families, but we will never meet them.  We sleep in the same bed most of the time, but there is never an expectation or longing for it.  We are not a part of one another's lives outside of a very specific situation created for a very specific reason.  

My friend saw it differently.  To him, sharing a bed with someone is an intimate act.  Talking about your life, your goals and fears and stress and trials is something you do with someone you care about.  To him, what Mr E and I have has gone beyond casual sex, if it was ever that to begin with.  I find the entire thing intriguing.  If it's not casual, what is it?  At what point does intimate moments become intimacy, and how does that effect a relationship?

Now there are some things that are very clearly defined as intimate, such as laying in your lovers arms and staring into their eyes.  Telling someone something deep and dark about yourself.  I once had a first play date with someone who wanted to bathe me afterwards, which in my mind was way too intimate.  If you were to do any of these things with a partner, I think everyone could agree that something else was going on.    Where does sleeping in a bed fall though?  I crash with friends all the time.  Heck, I crash with people I barely know (in a non-sexual way).  Those aren't intimate moments.  Sleeping in a bed with the Trucker?  Very intimate for many reasons.  What about conversation.  When does it go from chit chat to genuine interest to intimacy?  I've certainly had intimate conversations both with lovers and with friends, but I've had ten times the frivolous ones.  What if they're friends and lovers?  I have a 'friend' who I've never met in person.  We met in a chat room twelve years ago, and we still text to this day.  We talk on the phone, but it's mostly phone sex.  We keep each other aware of the significant events in each others lives.  And yet we have nothing to do with one another.  Even I don't know what to call us.  Friends with technological benefits?

The other question is whether or not having an intimate moment immediately cancels out the casual label.  If you have a long distance lover who you see every 3 months for a night, and you fall asleep spooning, does that shift something?  What about if you've been dating someone every day for a month but they never sleep over, they see other people and you've never met their friends.  Is that considered more or less casual than the long distance couple?  

I'm not going to pretend that I can answer any of these questions.  I know that when it boils down to it, it's dependent on the individual people as well as the individual relationships.  I've experienced the kink community where friends can play and fuck and treat it as casually as a trip to the movies.  I've also experienced people in poly who treat every strong friendship as a form of relationship.  I suppose I just like the idea of the question.  It makes me think about things I haven't thought of before.  It makes me take a second look at the bonds I have with the people in my life and the fact that I may overestimate some and undervalue others.  

You must have an opinion.  Thoughts?

Side note : I hope you will all excuse what happens when I write these posts late at night.  I realize that the line between organized thought and organized rambling can be very thin as the brain gets tired.  Consider it a glimpse into my very confused and easily distracted mind.  I know.  You're welcome.