Remember that post a couple of weeks ago where I said I wanted to eat healthier and I was going to allow the Trucker to punish me for indulgences that he didn't allow? Well that started last week and I was doing perfectly fine until the 6 year old in me kicked in and I felt the need to test things. Not just what the reaction/punishment would be from him, but also that I was going to commit to this and actually tell him when I slipped up despite the consequences. It was bound to happen at some point, but damn this inner rebellious child!
I had ice cream, and it was good. It was not worth the result. First he told me that I was forbidden from any self fun until Thursday, followed with the promise that come Thursday he'd be bringing along his metal studded belt and he wasn't going to hold back. I'm freaking terrified of that thing. Perversely curious, but in the way that you wonder what a candle flame would feel like. You touch it knowing that as soon as the pain hits you'll regret it, and this is something I'm really going to regret.
The belt isn't the worst part though. He told me that if I wanted him to go easier on me on Thursday I could go over there and act the part of the toy for a little while. No talking, no acknowledgement, just please him and go. I went. It was pretty much as he said, I did what he wanted and the only acknowledgements he gave me were degrading. It was actually pretty hot. The punishment came at the end. Normally after a harder play, or when things have been said or done that are degrading or demeaning, there's aftercare and I get the time and attention that I need to put my head back to normal. This time he just told me to get out. I knew it was coming and yet it still broke some part inside of me. Seeing how upset I was he took a moment to remind me that it was punishment and not supposed to feel good, and I know he's right, but it felt horrible. I cried the entire way home and on and off for the remainder of the night, and today I'm still feeling off. Not sad necessarily, but not happy.
Here's the thing. In the last four months I have felt more new and conflicting emotions than I have in most of my walled up 20 something years of life. Seriously, consider the fact that I'm having my first experience with a proper relationship. Do you remember the first time you developed feelings for someone, and how kind of crazy it made you? Suddenly little things become big, emotions go to further extremes, uncertainty and insecurity are ready to jump on any little thing because you never really know what the other person feels about you. I'm sure after awhile one learns how to deal with all of this and control it, but I'm still at the stage where I'm lucky if I can even realize what it is that I'm feeling. Do you remember what that's like?
Take that and plop poly onto it. You take all of that emotion and crazy and put it into a situation where your partner has other people that he cares about as much and more than you. Where your needs and desires don't always fit in and you have to have complete trust that you won't just be replaced or discarded when something shinier and newer comes along. Imagine this combination, this situation of a first relationship while sharing in poly. Do you have a sense of how unbalancing it is?
Good. Now lets throw a dom/sub relationship onto that. I assume that if you're reading this you're already somewhat familiar with kink, and if you're not there's no way for me to express how much implicit trust and faith one has to have in the person they're with. I'm exploring a part of me that I don't fully understand, trust or like. I'm experiencing new physical and emotional sensations on a weekly basis that screw with the mind and take a lot of reflection and attention to sort out. With the Trucker I am the most emotionally and physically vulnerable than I've ever been with anyone, ever.
Is it so strange then that I sometimes feel like I'm losing some of my sanity? I'm in a new relationship and yet I have to have a level of trust with kink that most people develop over years. I don't know if he's still going to be interested in me in 3 months yet I have to have a poly level of confidence in our relationship. To explore the sub in me I have to be more open and honest with my emotions and thoughts than I've ever been, but as a girlfriend I can't let myself go all in too soon.
And so there are days like yesterday when I can't feel something in just one element. In my emotional head it wasn't just my dom who used me and kicked me out, it was my boyfriend. Rationally, I know that he still cares about me and that this was done because of something we agreed on and not out of any malice or dislike. It's very hard to find the rational though with all the rest of it crashing around in ones head. With no aftercare my mind hasn't shifted the dynamic back in the same way. He indicated that part of my punishment meant that he would stay aloof until thursday but my insecurities can't handle that. There is a part of me that is a desperate, pathetic sub who just wants her dom to tell her that she's good and that he's not angry. That terrifies me. I am by nature a rational, calm and unemotional person and yet here is this person to whom I am suddenly vulnerable in every way and who can send my emotions off the scales with a few words or actions. The opportunities to get hurt are endless.
And so I wait. Right now I'm enduring the emotional punishment, and tomorrow will come the physical. I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried. I know he won't damage me but I know that he's going to hurt me and I don't know if I'm going to be able to take it. The waiting is terrible. I know that this is probably the worst it will be, that he's being strong on my first offense so that I'm not tempted to test him again, but it doesn't make it easier. What's worse is that despite the fear and pain and tears, the knowledge that he has this much control turns me on. I'm the most confused person on earth right now, and I don't see it getting any easier.
Fucking ice cream.
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