That was probably the worst experience I've ever had. In my last post I said that no matter what the punishment was, it would be better than the guilt of having lied. This was true, but barely.
I don't even know if I want to discuss it all. Some of the details are painful to me still. Sir was very hurt by what I'd done and I was treated accordingly. There was physical pain of course, that bloody studded belt and other forms, but emotional pain as well and all of it was severe.
As always I'm having a difficult time processing. I realize that I must sound like I'm incapable of handling this lifestyle or that I've gone deeper than I should have, and that's a possibility. More likely though I don't yet know what I need during and afterwards to keep my mind stable, and we don't each know what triggers the other person has.
He told me he loved me, something I never thought I would hear anyone say to me in a romantic sense. And it was done in one of the most painful, terrible ways possible. I don't know how to process that either. On the one hand I've been trying to think about it, to wrap my head around the fact that someone actually feels that way about me. Part of me doesn't even believe him, because how could anyone love me? Especially when they know what I really am, my dark desires and my truckload of crazy. And yet that same sentiment is what he used against me, to make my punishment as severe as his hurt was and so I can't let my mind go there again. It's like I have to forget it and accept it all at the same time, because doing anything else hurts too much.
He left eventually, as he always has to, and I fell apart. That's saying something since I hadn't exactly been holding it together to that point. Some of my night was spent on the floor, some on the couch, most of it sobbing. I woke up feeling small and alone and desperate to have someone comforting just hold me together since I couldn't do it myself. He left and continued his day and his weekend and I was a confused and dysfunctional wreck experiencing something almost worse than the punishment its self. He was in contact but a text can only do so much when you're on the floor in a towel because you're shaking too badly to take a shower. I feel like part of me broke and I don't know how to fix it.
Should I not be doing this until I have the proper emotional tools to protect myself? Or do you only gain those by having experiences like this? How do you look up and make your mind distinguish that it's your Sir punishing you for a massive fuck up and not just the man you love making himself feel better by hurting you? I normally love bruises and marks but I can't look at these ones with happiness. They make me sad. I feel like I'm doing this wrong, that I'm taking it in the wrong way. Is it normal to be so completely distraught and not even know why? How am I supposed to fix this in the future if I can't articulate what the problem is in the present? I don't even know if what I feel is as a sub or as a girlfriend or just as a slightly insane person.
So this was my punishment and it was horrible. It was probably more than he intended, I would like to think he didn't hope for me to be broken for so long. I'm better now than I was yesterday and I hope I'll be even better tomorrow. I'm hoping that the next time I see him, just feeling his arms around me will make me feel safe and protected and secure again. That experiencing him being gentle with me will balance out the way I feel, bring me back to the middle.
The one thing that I know is that I can't ever endure this again. I don't intend to screw up like that again, but I'm not naive enough to think that mistakes won't be made. I have some ideas about what structure or actions might help in the future, but if they don't work I won't know until it's too late. I just know that it's two days later and I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and no desire to go out and meet the commitments that I have tonight. This just can't happen again.
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