Screwing Up

I fucked up.

As I've posted before, a few weeks ago Sir and I established some new rules to explore the idea of control in our relationship.  I wanted to start eating better so one of those rules was that if I ate unhealthily I would have to tell him and there would be a punishment.  Fairly early on I tested it, and was punished.  You all know how hard that was on me.  

About a week later I was away with friends for the weekend. Sir had given me one cheat day which I enjoyed thoroughly, but I allowed it to carry over into the second day which was definitely not permitted.  I don't know why.  I was far from him, permanently tipsy, with my friends and the idea of restricting just didn't seem as tempting as the desire just to have fun with everyone else.  

This in itself would have been bad enough, but then I lied to him about it.  Honesty is incredibly important to Sir, as it is to me and lying is probably the worst thing I could have done.  This entire dynamic is based on trust and he has to trust me that I will tell him the truth when I break a rule.  I'm not sure why I did it.  I was embarrassed that I had screwed up again so quickly.  I was terrified of disappointing him and I was afraid that he would say I wasn't taking it seriously and we were going to stop.  And when we saw each other the night I got back, all I could think was that I wanted to spend a nice night with him and if I told him about it the night would be spent in misery.

The guilt of lying to him has been weighing on me, and tonight it finally came out.  I decided I'd rather face the consequences without a guilty conscious than avoid them with one.  He was understandably angry, to the point where he didn't even want to discuss my punishment until he'd calmed down.  And somehow, I'm totally ok with that. 

Now you know how horrible the last punishment was, I had no idea how badly it would effect me.  This time though, it's different.  I mean, I know that it will be painful and I know that I'll hate it while it's happening, but I'm not dreading it like last time.  I'm almost looking forward to it.  I know that I deserve to be disciplined, both for breaking a rule and for lying about it, and so I will accept it.  Not only do I now have some vague idea of how bad it will be, but nothing he could do will be worse than how I felt about it myself.  

I don't know when it will be, but that's ok.  Having told him has taken a huge weight off my mind and now I will face the consequences of my actions and then it will be over and I won't have to spend any more time thinking about it with guilt.  I never thought that his disappointment would be the worst part.  It could be the bf/gf dynamic, but it's doubtful.  The sub in me is just devastated when I disappoint my Dom, when I make him angry with me.  I'm not used to caring so much what one person thinks, and it's difficult to keep the lines from sub/dom and the rest of the relationship blurring.  

It's done now though.  He knows, I feel better, I will be punished and we will be better for it.