It's been a very long time since I've written here and I had all but intended to give it up. When I began this blog it was so that I could keep my thoughts in order while giving Sir a way to understand what is going through my head. Now that our relationship has become more involved I don't know if I have the same desire for him to know everything I'm thinking about what we do, which maybe seems a bit backward? At this point I suppose I should be as transparent as ever. No matter though, as Sir has requested that I write another post, so here I am.
A couple of weeks ago I got my collar. I'm His now more than I ever was before. The rules are different and are taking me some time to become accustomed to. I must present when I get home, I must ask permission to sit and to get up, to perform tasks around the house, to come to bed. My collar is to be worn at all times that I'm at home which is fine, except I'm becoming so used to it that I'm already forgetting to take it off when I leave. The other day I had the mortifying experience of walking out to my car and seeing several neighbours before hearing the jangle of the ring and realizing it was still around my neck. I've been avoiding those neighbours ever since, and thanking god that we'll soon be moving.
It's wonderful and scary. It's mostly scary that I enjoy it so much, that I'm falling into it so easily and without much fuss. I'm aware that we're functioning at the most basic level at this point since I'm still trying to break the habit of just getting up and doing as I please.
I find that I have two range of emotion when that collar is on me. Either I'm wanting to be good and get it right and I'm trying to remember all of the rules and do it the way he wants, or I'm reacting to this extreme amount of control with extreme frustration and anger or emotion. When it's good, I feel small and happy and I just want approval and sex and fun. When it's bad, my emotions go haywire and I work myself into a state where nothing is ok because life just sucks.
The other way of putting it is that it's almost easy when I'm being told to do things that I would probably be doing anyway. Or if it makes me feel loved and looked after and valued, of course I'll go get him that drink, or throw something in the oven for him. What I'm struggling with (already) is when his desires directly conflict with mine and I'm automatically on the losing end. I'm not the type of person to do things I don't want to do and up until this point I have had no problem telling people to do it their damn selves, or that no, I'm not going to go do that activity because I don't feel like it. Suddenly that's not an option and the parts of me that aren't submissive go into full revolt when they see me giving in.
*(As a sidenote, I get that if there's something that I REALLY can't or won't do that I have full rights not to do it. Signing that contract didn't actually make me incapable of saying no. I'm an all or nothing girl though, and if we're going to do this we're going to do it right which means that except for the exceptional, I do as I'm told)*
Some girls are graceful in their submission, they want to serve their Sirs and take care of them and genuinely think of their own needs as secondary to that of their Masters. I'm not that girl. I'm clumsy and awkward and I'm as selfish as the next person in that I want what I want and don't tell me no. Maybe I can become that girl. Maybe all it takes is practice and the proper training. Or maybe I'll just stay the way I am, desiring to please him but hiding emotional trip wires that explode if something rubs my independent side the wrong way. I hope that's not the case. When I do get upset I can't verbalize it properly, I can't tell him that I'm furious at him but that it's not actually at him. That I don't know why I'm suddenly so angry and sad and even though I hate having to do whatever it is, not doing it would mean I was failing at what I promised and it really is what I want in the long run. I don't want him to think I can't handle it but I don't want him to get scared off by my own personal batch of crazy. I can't expect him to understand when I don't even understand.
Oh the joys of completely changing the way that you live and look at your life. It's confusion and excitement and love and lust and anger and happiness all rolled into a bizarre jumble and you never know what's going to come out next. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that I really do love him and that he really does love me, and that despite our individual flaws we trust each other enough to make this commitment and try to do what it is that will make us both happy.
This was quite long. I promise that the next few will be much shorter and hopefully a little less full of crazy. Maybe.
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