Patience

I am not a patient person.  When I decide to do something, I jump in with both feet and when I want something, I want it now.  Since having realized that I want to explore different areas of kink with Sir, I've been pretty eager and I have all these ideas in my head of what form our relationship will take and what it will look like in the months to come.  And at first we were doing things like me having to call him Sir in more situations, and we were discussing things like collars and behaviour for the future.  It was exciting and fun and while I was scared about going down this new road, I was happy.  

And then, it all just stopped.  Sir has been dealing with some issues of his own and things like the divorce and the breakup with his other partner take time to heal.  It's meant however that our explorations have been put on hold.  At first I didn't understand what was going on.  The attention and sexual vibe just drifted away and I found myself vying for attention and submission.  I mentioned the urge to sit at his feet during Christmas, and I did again a couple of times since then.  I kept having the urge to touch him or be held by him and we all know how much that was stressing me out.  I thought I was becoming a needy little sub and attention whore and it really bothered me.  

Yesterday I had an epiphany.  It wasn't that I suddenly needed to be around him all the time and be this desperate slave girl, it was that I was trying to get the attention and contact that had gone away.  Sir isn't capable of focusing on that part of our relationship and while it still sucks, I realize that my reactions aren't as extreme or out of the blue as I'd thought.  I allowed myself to come to this place mentally and now just have to wait.

So here we are.   I'm in a situation where my sexuality is controlled by someone who isn't thinking about sex.  If I want to cum it's rare that I feel like I can.  I'm not going to ask him permission and then go into the other room to get myself off.  That feels wrong and lonely.  I'm craving sex and I can't get it.  More than that I'm craving submission.  I don't know how to deal with it other than to do things like sit at his feet and hope he'll acknowledge it, or cuddle up to him on the couch and hope he does or say something to make me feel like his little pet.  

And through all of it, I feel guilty that I'm thinking of sex and orgasms while he's dealing with all of his issues.  I want to be supportive and understanding but there are these parts of me that have become such needs in my life and our relationship that I don't know how to compensate for them.  And so I turn into touchy feely needy girl and get all stressy about it, which doesn't help anything.

Sir and I have talked about it and I now know he's aware of how I'm feeling.  I realize that it'll take time for things to improve and I'm going to have to work on this whole patience thing.  At least I know that if I'm willing to continue to follow his rules now when it means that I'm not getting what I want, that I'm making the right decision when it comes to this whole kink/dynamic thing.  This is where I belong, and this is what will make me happy.  He is what makes me happy.  I just have to trust that I can be patient for the first time in my life.  Ever.