He brought another partner home last night. Well, a casual partner, a fwb. I had a heads up that they were almost home and hid in my room. I hadn't met her yet, and didn't want the initial hello to be while they were on the way to the other bedroom. As soon as I heard the door I felt a knot start in my chest.
I've never had a partner bring home someone else before. Well, not while I was home. I've never had to hear someone I love have sex with someone else when I wasn't involved. And I've never had him spending the night 10 feet away wrapped up with someone else.
I have no problem with poly, but I had a feeling I would have a problem with this. I couldn't jump into it all at once like that. I've told him as much, I wanted to go slowly. Meet the person first when sex wasn't on the menu. See if I could handle being in the house while they get it on, but know that he'll be there for me afterwards if I'm struggling. That's not how he saw it, and there's not much you can do when your partner has decided what they're going to do and invitations will not be reneged.
They put music on, which I appreciated at first but then found that all I could do was lay there and wonder what they were doing. I was trying to sleep, thinking that if I could just pass out it would be done when I woke up and I would feel better, but the music volume became a problem. When I worked up the courage to go out to ask them to turn it down I realized they had already moved on. I turned it off and went back to bed, only to find that I could now hear every moan and gasp that travelled up the hallway. The knot in my chest got tighter and tighter.
I could hear him slapping her, I could hear them fucking. It went on for hours and the more exhausted I became the harder it was to handle. All I could think was that he was giving her all this pleasure when it's something I'd been craving. That he was getting hours of pleasure from her when our sex life had all but died. That this beautiful, sexy girl was in my house having fun and laughing when I felt trapped in my room, too intimidated to even walk to the bathroom. That this entire thing was happening even though he knew I didn't think I could handle it and it didn't seem to matter.
I swung between sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe, to feeling so much rage and pain that I wanted to smash the doors in. I tried watching a movie with headphones but could hear the slaps regardless. I wouldn't hear anything for awhile and try to sleep only to have moans start up again. It made me so angry that I was in my room experiencing so much pain and frustration while he was going to drift to sleep blissfully happy and content. That I was having such a hard time and he had no idea. That he was so close and knew I was uncomfortable with the idea, but couldn't even send me a text to check in. The closest he came was when he popped in to pick up more condoms and asked if they were too loud. I was so tightly strung that I could barely force a "fine" past my lips.
I spent my night that way, crying and trying to deal with the genuinely overwhelming emotion I felt. Saying I got three hours of sleep would be generous. When I woke up I could hear them making breakfast followed by more moans and sighs. I stayed hidden in my room until I had to go out, terrified that I would see them on the way and frustrated that I still hadn't gotten so much as a good morning text once he knew I was out and about.
Now I can't even talk to him about it. The knot in my chest is still there and I'm exhausted from no sleep. If the situation were reversed he says he'd have no problem with it, and so he can't understand where I'm coming from. I'm afraid that if I try to explain again, it's going to be written off as an over-reaction, or he'll take it to mean I'm poly in words and not actions. I've thought so hard about it and I honestly don't think it's either. I've always been willing and open to making this work for both of us but I can't just jump in the way he can. Most couples are completely secure and solid with their relationships before getting to the point of being able to have their partners spend the night with someone just down the hall. Our relationship has fluctuated so often that I just need to take the big stuff in steps, and feel that I'm supported in that and not just written off as selfish or obsessive.
This post, I think, is mostly for him. My thoughts are better laid out in writing and this is the easiest way for me to sort them out. All I really want from all this is for him to understand what I'm feeling and why, so that the next time we can sort out a compromise that allows me to feel comfortable while working towards the freedom that he wants. I just know I can't handle another night like the one I just had. I'm not that perfect, not yet.
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