Acceptance

From day one of truly discovering kink I have sworn that I would never go 24/7.  I would not become a slave, I would not have an owner.  I would not have to ask permission to do perfectly normal things and I would not have to do things I don't want to just because someone else tells me to.

Oh how naive I was.

Sir has been saying since we met that I'm much more submissive than I think I am.  I always balked at this, both because I didn't want to admit it and because I didn't see how you can be more submissive or less?  You just... are.  I can see how people have varying degrees of bottoming, allowing someone to top you while never truly giving yourself up to them.  Submission though, no matter what shape it takes in your relationship I figure you're either in or you're out.  

So now, these many months later, I'm trolling the internet for articles on slave/master dynamics (though those titles really grate on me for some reason).  I'm admitting that I would find it both degrading and hot to be put on a leash and kept by his side in the house.  To have to ask permission to be allowed in bed.  To be made to sit in the corner if I've done something wrong.  This is ridiculous!  The old me would be smacking this version of me upside the head and sitting me down for a talk about self control.  So why the change?  Why am I contemplating this new way of living that, lets face it, would lead to a 24/7ish dynamic?

The first thing, I think, is that I'm becoming more confident in myself and more trusting of Sir.  I'm believing that it's ok to want to be treated in a certain way if Sir and I enjoy it.  I'm believing that wanting to be treated this way doesn't mean Sir actually looks at me as nothing but a pathetic slut.  Another reason is that having exposed myself to many different people in the community and all of their experiences, I'm realizing that 24/7 or 'master/slave' doesn't have to be done just one way.  I think I always had an image in my head of a woman who does all the chores, brings her Sir blankets and drinks, and is expected to just go along with whatever her Dom says.  And that is very much not me.  If Sir is cold, he knows where the blankets are.  And if I'm doing the dishes I don't want to also have to do the sweeping, cleaning, laundry, dinner, ect ect.  He has legs and arms and is a fully functioning human being capable of all of those things.  What I'm accepting now is that if we do go down this road, we can shape it to fit our personalities and life style.  I can be his sub and still tell him the cats need to be fed and the garbage put out.  

This was also just natural progression.  When we first met, all of our sexual encounters were very physically aggressive, almost violent.  For the first few months this worked for us since we only saw each other a couple of times a week and limits were being sought out.  Now we live together and we can't live up to the physical and emotional toll that beating the crap out of me every night would require.  So to keep the dynamic in a softer but just as meaningful way, these other elements come in.  Any of the things I mentioned a couple of paragraphs ago require just as much submission from me as the physical stuff, if not more in that I'm willingly allowing him to dictate, as opposed to him having to force me.  And lets face it, the derogatory nature of most of this really does something for me.  It always has.  To be reduced in such a way now and then is enough to fuel the spank bank for weeks.

And finally, on a very basic level I just want to be his little sub who he takes care of and who pleases him.  I can't tell you how much I've come to love being told that I'm a good girl, or receiving his praise or approval.  Normally I get off thinking about something degrading happening to me, the last time I was with him I got off while thinking of the fact that I was being good.  The warm fuzzies that I get when he calls me 'pet' or even 'my little slut' are addictive.  It's an incredible state of mind to be in, and I wouldn't mind being there more often.  I've actually asked him for a collar, which is something I never imagined myself doing.  One for home for those fun bits of degradation and play, and something that I can wear all the time.  I'm his, I really am, and I want a reminder of that throughout my day.  I want him to know that I know it.  

I'm scared, a bit, but we're starting slow.  At the moment he's told me that I have to start addressing him as Sir at certain times when before it was only ever in regards to sex.  We'll build from there and I'm sure that as with everything else, I won't realize how far we've come until I'm on the other side.  Who knows, maybe we'll get to the point where he can lend me to his friends who will beat me until the welts last for days.  Oh wait...