On a public level I spent three days helping a group of people I love win something that they very much deserved and the pride and euphoria had me smiling for days. On an inner level, my personality was alternating between excited teenager and nervous lesbian.
First thing: the guy that I've been dating (who from this point on will be referred to as CP) dropped the B word. Boyfriend. Now I realize that this is not one of those big deal moments for most people. At our age, even the terms 'boyfriend and girlfriend' seem a little silly. Adults are either in a relationship or they're not. They're casual or they're not so casual. Labeling it in any other way is something that you do in highschool so it's socially acceptable for you and the other person to spend most of your time swallowing each others tongues in the hallway.
What happens though if you don't have a person to feel up in the 10th grade, or 12th? What if there were no slutty college phases or experimentation? For me (and my inability at that age to properly apply makeup or wear flattering clothes) having someone to flirt with was an unreasonable expectation, never mind someone who would connect themselves to me with that title. When I started having sex I realized that there were men who would want to sleep with me and I gained a type of confidence in that, but my independent and cynical mind stuck with the notion that that's as good as it was going to get, and I was genuinely ok with that.
Now, at 29, I get to use the phrase 'my boyfriend'. The 14 year old in me is squealing a little bit. The adult in me is telling the 14 year old to calm the fuck down. The thing is, the word its self isn't such a big deal. It's something you use so that other people can form a basic context for your relationship. It's what the idea represents that's causing the inner fuss. It's like telling everyone that yes, there is someone who finds worth in me outside of a kinky shag. There is someone who wants to be in my company as much as I want to be in theirs. It's proof that I'm not un-likeable. And if that's possible, then maybe I'm not unloveable either. This is deep Dr Phil shit people! And all of this was going through my head as I tried to play it cool while waiting in line for a hot dog.
Less than 24 hours later came the second thing: I outed my poly self to my parents.
This is one that I had been considering for a while, but I never saw any reason to rock the boat. Come the weekend however, the situation arose where my parents and my now boyfriend were going to be at the same event at the same time. I wasn't going to be able to hide one from the other, and I didn't want to. I want to be able to be who I am around the people that I love. (And yes, I realize the irony of saying that in an anonymous blog about my secret sex life.) Not mentioning it to my parents is one thing, but actively hiding it is another and a step that I wasn't willing to take. Also, I'm pretty sure seeing a wedding ring on the finger of the guy I'm kissing would have caused some fuss regardless.
I won't go into the gritty details. Both conversations were wedged into rushed periods of time, but the end results are that my mum thinks it's weird, a phase, and is convinced my heart is going to get broken. My dad's response? He thinks it's kind of cool and wants to take me to lunch so he can learn more about it. I feel like this is the closest I'll ever get to knowing what it's like to be gay and having to tell the people you love. There's the genuine "as long as you're happy" response, and then there's the "I'm going to say I'm fine with it but we both know I'm not" response. In the long run, I have no worries. This is part of who I am right now, and maybe part of who I'll be forever. I may have hoped for complete acceptance, but the people who don't get it will come around because I know that their feelings for me out weigh their judgments. And the most important thing is that I feel better knowing that who I am doesn't have to be (as much of) a secret. Now if I could just tell the world about my super powers, I'd be all set.
Signed,
....oh, right.
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